Jackson and I at dblo
On Thu, I received a call from Seventeen that I had won 2 pairs of tickets to the Sentosa NY eve beach party. I was pretty excited as I hadn't been there for years. when I filled up the contest coupon I very much wanted to win as I knew I was reluctant to pay $20 for a party.
Went for another ktv singing session with Meph, his gf and Jackson last Fri. Jackson picked me up from home at 1015pm. Along the way we saw some street stalls and I got an elegant handbag for a steal at $11. Meph and his gf arrived later and Jackson and I were trying our best to sing In the End and Numb by Linkin Park and one of Eminem's songs. One thing for sure I suck at rap. Can't read the lyrics nor rap fast enough. We screamed too much and both our voices were slightly hoarse. Halfway through on a toilet trip, I saw Hui Buay which was a pleasant surprise as I hadn't seen her for a few months. She brought me to the room she was in and there was Kat, Jiaxiu and Phei Ying. We started bitching for awhile before I returned to the room I was supposed to be in. About 115am the girls came to my room to inform me taht they were leaving and this brainless gal continued singing her Shuo Ai Ni song by Jolin Tsai before realising that Pang sehing them was quite stupid. So I went downstairs with them and there we were taking pics and squatting like a bunch of ah lians. After some time, Meph and the rest came downstairs and I got Jackson to take pics of the 5 of us and they turned out quite well.
A Mercedes cab came up and soon the 4 gals left. Jackson and I were pretty hyper and we decided to head down to Geylang to watch the girls and makan. I saw only one alright-looking gal while the rest were hmm, I don't know what to say. Jackson wanted to eat Tau Huey but alas teh place was full house and we ate at the famous dim sum place instead. We ordered 5 dishes and we ate till we were almost bursting. We did take short breaks as we were chatting. On our way back to the car park through some HDB flats, we spotted a kinky sight. Imagine 4 cats having a mass orgy. Being a cat lover I cannot fathom the scene which was unfolding in front of me. You mean cats are that liberal?? My god. Jackson suggested taking a picture or video of the cats but as I was reluctant to delete some pics, we only have our memory to remember this scene. Anyway, I shouldn't invade the cats' privacy. I don't think they would have liked being photographed or taped. Jackson sent me home and we were amazed we could communicate with each other as if we were long time friends.
Caught Curse of the Golden Flower on Sat and if I could use only a word to describe this movie, that woould be the Woah! by Neo in the Matrix. The costumes, settings and scenes were spectacular. Not to mention the extremely good cast who brought the characters alive: My fave Chow Yun Fatt and the charismatic Gong Li. I wanna look like her when I'm in my middle age. Her captivating grace which enhances her beauty is beyond words. The whole royal family is extremely dysfunctional and I could not understand why illicit and incestuous relationships had to occur. But it appears the very psyche and actions of each individual character contributed to the tragedies which followed. Pa passed me a red packet which Aunt Alice gave to me for passing my exams and it came in handy as I was rather broke last week having to consume instant noodles for 3 consecutive days. In addition, Ma went Genting that day so she passed me $30 to settle my meals till she came back on New Year Day at night.
I was convinced that I was indeed very lucky for the week till New year's eve when I discovered it was that time of the month. What a downer. Met darling for lunch before meeting Jackson at Queenstown. As I forgot to bring shorts he drove me to Great World City to hunt for a pair. I didn't want to wear my white bikini bottom solely as I knew that when it came into contact with water, I would be showing more than what I want. I got my first yellow item in my entire life and it cost only $12. I've never liked yellow as I thought that the shade was too bright and just not suitable for me. Yet the funny thing is I like gold though which is a variation of yellow. Actually, I didn't want to go as I had cramps and was feeling uncomfortable, however as I had asked Meph, his gf and Jackson to go with me, it would be irresponsible to just ditch them with the tix.
Jackson and I reached there around 6+pm and we waited quite some time for Meph and his gf. They had some problems navigating to The Beach carpark and Jackson and I had a good workout walking to and fro trying to figure out their location and what to eat. When they finally arrived, we proceeded to the beach pub for dinner. After dinner, we went to Siloso beach and we were dismayed to find the pathetic number of people and the carnival like atmosphere. I was intially tempted to get a temporary tattoo and a fortune reading but I gave up looking at the queue. As we wanted to bring our mobile phones in, we faced some trouble trying to stuff everything in Jackson's and Meph's bermudas' pockets as we wanted to get into the foam party area.
We went in the foam party area twice and all I could say was that while the first time was enjoyable, the second was a nightmare. Anyway, Jackson and I lost Meph and his gf before we went in the foam area for the first time as I was too engrossed in Bluetoothing some Techno songs from Meph's phone while Jackson was looking somewhere else. As I was holding Meph's phone and his gf's phone was in the locker area, thank god they went to retrieve her phone to call Meph's hp. But the process was irritating and took some time. Trying to find 2 persons in a crowd was like finding a needle in the haystack. After the second time at the foam area, I just wanted out of the whole damn party as I had lost all my mood and enthusiasm due to some fucking assholes. I supposed I was shocked and indignant that I didn't want to speak much when Jackson and I were leaving in the car and at this coffee place.
Jackson took me to this famous prata place near NUS for supper as he was famished and actually I lost my appetite but he got me to order something. I chose Milo and a cheese prata. We waited like 30-45 min for our food. Jackson spilled my Milo all over my right side and my right sleeve of my cardigan and the bottom right area of my shirt was entirely wet when he tried to remove this plastic thing around my left wrist. I wasn't angry at all. The only thing which came to my mind was: what a fucking way to start a new year. My run of good luck has ended and in its place I felt like I was the most jinxed person. Especially everytime I ask Meph out, something bad happens to him. Alright, I will wait for him to ask me out instead. Maybe our 8 characters are not compatible as friends. Darling was extremely worried about me and he asked me to go over his place. He smsed and called me several times when I was at Sentosa.
All I felt then was stoned and numb. After bathing, darling and I had a chat before I fell asleep while he did not sleep a wink. Sorry darling for making you worried about me. I woke up around 2+pm. Went to Jackson's birthday party with darling and we reached rather late at 9pm as I had to go home to bathe and change before heading out to Jurong again. It was quite strange wearing darling's jersey and shorts which were extremely big with a pair of purple sequinned slippers on the way home. I had no choice as I did not have any extra set of clothing. Came home and I checked my email only to see one reply from Benny which was 4 months later from the email I sent him in Aug. He wrote that it was sad that I did not want to meet him and that some things are best left alone. I knew he's referring to our relationship. He misinterpreted that I didn't want to meet him when I told him I had plans which was true and he did not suggest another date. We aren't fated to be together partly due to his lack of quick response or action and heaven's will I guess.
It was kind of Jackson to invite a new friend to his birthday party. The food was delicious and I ate something more substantial though I know I was forcing myself to eat something when I've no appetite. Was watching the Liverpool and Bolton match on and off the entire match and was happy with Liverpool trashing Bolton in the 2nd half with 3 goals scored. Took bus 30 home from Boon Lay interchange and I fell asleep during the journey. I was lucky that the trip took only 45 min as the bus driver was extremely fast.
I have been reflecting over stuff like why I find it so difficult to sustain happiness when I do experience it. I do know it's a combination of factors such as my stupid actions, my maladaptive thinking and my inability to cope well with changes. I feel like a terrible person for doing many things which have hurt people whom I care about. I know how unfeeling and cold I have become, trying to rationalise things instead of trusting my feelings where they have failed me in the past. I know people don't understand how I can be so pessimistic and how my moods swing wildly without rhyme nor reason. Sometimes I know the reason for why I'm miserable but sometimes I don't. I'm confused myself when this wave of gloom overcomes the brief and short-lived happiness I find many times without warning. I do try not to think so much and it does work till something happens and my life is thrown off balance again. My past experiences keep replaying in my head even when I do not ask of this. I know how little self-worth and love I have. I do try to keep my spirits up but everytime some event would occur for me to sink into the quicksand. I keep struggling but all I find is myself getting sucked into the bottom much faster than I want to.
I want to live but living is difficult with each passing day. I know how ungrateful I am not to cherish my life but if anyone wants my life I wouldn't mind giving it up. Many times this wild idea of my life ending would enter my mind and I'm so tempted to seek out this alternative despite the uncertainty of whether the afterlife exists. Probably people would give this advice that I should see a psychologist or psychiatrist but I find no point in it. Why is it that when I'm supposed to be well-blessed and fortunate, I still can't be happy? I'm afraid of losing the things that I have and I know nothing lasts forever. I wish I can be as sure of knowing myself well as before but I seem to be getting worse. I know how much I have changed and I'm scared of this. I don't know who I am sometimes. I seem to be putting on a mask at a masquerade and people think I am strong when actually I'm just a nobody and a coward. I don't want to lose myself in my own feelings. Some days I wake up convinced that my life is a lie. What is real? What is not? I hate how I'm feeling and I hate being me. All I'm doing is letting my fears consume me like a wild fire which keeps raging on. If my life was a game, I give up. I don't enjoy playing this game.
