There is no finishing line to perfection <33

Friday, June 30, 2006

~I shouldn't go on deceiving myself~

It's official: They are finally together. I was prepared for this but it didn't make it any easier. I just didn't expect it would be so fast. Barely 2 months+. Just disappointed with hearing lies from him. On that fateful day, "Is there another girl?" I asked. Him: No, there isn't. And that was a lie. I wished he had been honest with me. It wouldn't have hurt so much if he had told the truth instead of making it sound like I was the reason for the breakup. And my blind faith in him from then to now is the cause of my unhappiness. I just wish all the pain would just go away. Someone stabbing your heart repeatedly, with words. Tears running down in streams down your cheeks. And the part of him asking me to concentrate on my studies and that he wanted to concentrate on his, i guess that's another lie. If his idea of relationship no. 2 for him was to help him concentrate on his studies, that's total crap.

I'm not noble. I can't bear to see the one I love be with someone else and say I'm gonna be happy for him. All I can do is disappear from his life and let him move on in a new direction while I learn to cope alone. There's a part in me which wants to hate him but I can't do it. I know if I hate him I'll get over him and life would be much easier for me but I won't. Call me delusional or stupid but I can't let go. Of the past memories, for the future that may never be there. Promises have been broken. Are words that worthless and cheap? Why is it that everything he has spoken to me he's telling them to her? Is it true that when a guy is wooing you his words can't be believed? I'll love you till the end. I want to be with you forever. Why does it sound all so familiar? Are feelings nothing but transient emotions for guys? I shouldn't be so naive and trusting in love. I shouldn't commit. I have heard it all before. "You should move on.", "Get another guy.", "He doesn't deserve you.", "He's a jerk if he can do this to you." I just wanna be alone. I don't want to think about having another relationship anymore or put love as a priority in my life. People learn from mistakes and it seems I never learn. Maybe this is the final straw for me to wake up and not think that love is everything in my life.

Mother, about you telling me that I should be careful about him finding a younger girl, I wished I had heeded your warning. And Ma your warning that men are all bad, it is indeed true. I guess I'm always so obstinate, holding on to beliefs that are simply so ridiculous and laughable. Maybe the world is truly black and white after all. There are no shades of grey. There are smart choices and stupid choices. And I always choose the stupid options. I think the part about me having to fall and pick myself up each time something like this happens, it's just plain stupid.

I can only change myself for my own good. Quit having idealistic notions of love and just develop a heart of steel. Concentrate on other things in life like study, work, getting more money etc. Sometimes I wanna run away. Somewhere where there isn't anyone around. Where there is no unhappiness. Where I can be in peace. I'm tired of everything. Tired of having to worry all the time about everything. I don't want to be burdened by the responsibilities and duties I have in this life. Is there anything I can do to just escape from my life?

On Pointe @)~~

6:01 AM