There is no finishing line to perfection <33

Thursday, June 29, 2006

~A long time...~

Guess it's been a long time since i posted something and this is my new blog.. one that i don't want him to read, one that will keep me sane during this period of time while i'm waiting. It may take years and this wait may never bear fruit but i won't regret my decision because I made this choice.

Ever since good friday April 14, I guess I hadn't been living a normal life. It's hard to be as happy as the times before being with him and I've tried means and ways to cope with the breakup. Gorging myself silly on food, starving myself, smoking, crying most of the time, sleeping excessively, not being able to sleep, looking at his new blog everyday.. i know my studies is being affected.. as of now, I've a lab report which was due on mon and now is already thu and i haven't done it yet, another one due tomorrow.. Only consolation is I've obtained a distinction average for 3 of 5 of my core final year subjects.. if the 2 remaining subjects i do well, I'll be able to do an honours year though I'm not really keen on studying. If i don't get a distinction average i may consider taking an extra year for the graduate diploma. Coz i'm afraid by the time i go back to my studies from working some time to do my research thesis and all, I'll forget what I've learnt. And I'm keen to further my studies to obtain at least a masters in psychology so that I may be able to practise in future given the opportunity.

Yesterday I went to catch Superman with Z, Cynthia and Jimmy after my ballet class. It was quite touching and as usual I couldn't help tearing at some of the moments. Guess i can't stop being emotional. And i couldn't help thinking about him as I watched the show. Certain parts i sort of relate it to my love life (non existent now) and a few lines which lois lane spoke sounded like what i would have said and felt if i were in her shoes. It was kinda awkward when Z tried to hold my hand while we were watching the movie. And i kept trying to push his hand away. He's a nice guy but I'm feeling strange when he told me he has feelings for me a few days ago. I have been talking to him over the phone on most nights and the last took about 7hrs. Seriously, i did tell him it was impossible between us but he seems insistent on not giving up.

After the movie, he walked me home all the way from orchard cineleisure. We took the bus 14 route. along the way, he did his stupid holding my hand thing. I have no idea why he keep doing there but i just pushed his hand away everytime he did that. I suggested that he be my god brother coz that's what I feel about him. I treat him as an elder bro. But Z said he would never agree to that coz he wanted to woo me. He knows about Alan and I and he doesn't understand why I don't want to let go or move on.

Seriously, I know what everyone is thinking of what I'm doing. That I'm torturing myself while Alan has moved on and is interested in some other girl within this short period of time. I'm holding on in the hope that I'll be able to be with him again in future if what the lots I've asked for are true. It's just that now isn't the time. I guess this is heaven's will that i've to go through this if I ever want to be with him again. This challenge hasn't been easy. Just two months and many times I do want to give up. Not on him but on myself. It's painful everytime i see him blog about some other girl and the things that he mentions about the girl bring tears to my eyes each time. He said those things to me before and now he's saying this to somebody else. I can't comprehend how he lost his feelings for me so easily. And how he has changed so much within such a short span of time. Especially the way he blogs, proclaiming his love and want for the other girl. It's like he's so overly dramatic and he isn't the subtle blushful guy I know anymore. I know he probably doesn't give a damn about how I'm feeling or doing that's why I chose to disappear from his life completely, not blogging, smsing or calling him. Yes i do feel he's selfish and self-centred but this doesn't stop me from loving him.

I can't help feeling lonely and lost. Yearning for him to hug me or hold his hand or hear his voice. I miss him hugging me to sleep and looking into my eyes. But all these wouldn't happen now. I'm envious of couples holding hands or being so physically close with each other and everytime i see such scenes when i go out. His photo in my wallet is the only physical thing that reminds me of him. It's difficult but I keep holding the hope that if i wait there'll be a chance we'll be together again. Maybe now he's too immature and unstable and he's not sure of what he wants, that's why he's doing all these things now. It doesn't matter that I'm disappointed or sad coz I know he doesn't mean to hurt me this way. I don't understand why I love him so much but my belief that he is my destiny keeps me going everytime I feel like giving up. I will try to be strong and try to numb my heartache. I know it's difficult but I'll have to do it for him and for myself.

Bro, I'm sorry about things that happened between you and her. I really do wish the visions I saw of you and her and i and him will come true. But I suppose life just throws us nasty surprises and it seems like my visions will never come true. I guess heaven just keeps testing us to push us to our breaking limit and makes us want to give up. But if we keep the faith, even if we are not with them physically or in a real relationship, we will see a fairy tale ending eventually. Maybe this is the way our love life goes..

On Pointe @)~~

6:57 AM