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Monday, July 17, 2006

~Complicated~

Haven't had the opportunity to blog as my home com has some problem where it keeps shutting down by itself and it has been sent for repair for a week. Now I'm using the school com to update my blog.

Life got pretty much complicated though I hadn't expected it over the past week.

Wed 12/7
Got hit by my brother. Ended up in tears and went out of the house around 10+pm. Sat at the bus stop for around two hours before Z came to pick me up with his friend. I hate my brother. This is the last push I need to sever all sibling ties with him. No matter how many good things he has professed to do for me, they can never make up for the psychological, physical and verbal abuse I have to endure for the past 22 years of my life. I don't owe him a single thing and the whole episode just makes me realise how pathetic my parents can be if they are so afraid of their own son. I'm waiting for the time when I'm no longer defenceless or powerless and I can get back at him but this seems to be quite some time. I wish I can leave my home but I never can be independent unless I get a full-time job soon. Sometimes I wish either he or I dies so I never have to remember anything between us.

Thu 13/7
Z keeps assuming I'm his gf from this day. He insists that I agreed to be his gf. I don't remember that I accepted him but if it really did happen, I must be insane, hallucinating and didn't know what the hell I was saying. Because no matter how tempted I am to go into a rebound relationship, i don't want to because I don't love anyone but Alan only. Bro helped me collect some stuff from Alan. And I don't know what to make of it when he told me Alan loved me to be happy and cheerful. And he broke up with me coz he felt I wasn't happy with him. I didn't know I deserve to be loved only when I bother to put on a fake smile or a happy front. Thanks. The only person who can make me happy expects me to be happy when he forsakes me. How funny. Yet I can't laugh at how ironic the situation is. It doesn't matter that I block you on msn coz you won't message me anyway as you have someone else in your heart. I don't like looking at your msn nick when you go online. I can't bear to delete you from my list and I haven't changed your name in my contact list where you are listed as 60. I miss you terribly yet I wouldn't want to see you in case all the feelings for this past 3 mths since you went away come to overwhelm me and I can't handle them. If I'm gone will you care?

Fri 14/7
Went over bro's home. Then spent the entire night outside slacking.

Sat 15/7
Watched How Much Do You Love Me? with Daniel late at night and it was funny as hell.

Sun 16/7
Slept the entire day with intervals where I awoke. This got to be the day of many phone calls and smses. Only answered some of them when I decided to get up.

Emotionally, I'm still numb save for the few occasions when bro was upset and I ended up crying. I've lost interest in everything I'm doing and all I want to do is indulge in sleep all the time. My life is like a machine, going through the daily motions on some automated program. I know I'm becoming irresponsible not attending my dance classes and not caring about anything anymore. When you no longer possess any passion in things you used to enjoy, life loses all its meaning and drags on for eternity.

I'm reminded that I still love him when my tears start flowing like a tap when I read the smses in which he formally addressed me by my name on wed night. I can't feel the hurt or pain though in my heart. It's like subconsciously I cry because I'm supposed to be sad but I can't feel the ache. I hope he knows my love for him is neverending and till the day I take my last breath, I'll never stop loving him. I love him much more than my family and myself and no matter what he has done or is doing, it doesn't change a thing about how I feel about him. Even though he doesn't love me anymore, I still want to continue loving him. He can't hurt me anymore because I can no longer feel. I'm afraid I'll never be able to have a chance to be with him in future. If only a miracle would happen and we can go back to the old days when we were happy...

On Pointe @)~~
1:13 PM