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Friday, July 07, 2006

~I don't want to care anymore~

I don't want to get involved in your relationship matters anymore. I don't mind listening to your problems but I'm not going to say or comment on anything. The way you are handling things I don't want to know. All I can say is it doesn't agree with my values or principles and I don't want to judge. It's not that I can't empathise with you I did but the way you let a problem spiral into a complicated web of problems, I just can't sympathise with you.

If love was that simple. Boy meets girl. They fall in love. They live happily ever after. Fairytales make love sound like a simple affair. They do not add the little gritty details. They don't say that couples will quarrel and feelings will change. Isn't love supposed to be caring, kind, faithful, wholesome and pure? When has it become a game where each party tries to outdo each other in winning? Modern love has become so complicated and selfish. The things I have been seeing these 2 weeks, I'd rather not know. I just want to disconnect myself from all this mess. In the first place, I'm not supposed to be involved. Secondly, the more I try to help it seems like the parties involved don't bother to try to make matters better, and I'm just wasting my time and effort.

Today, I went to school around 430pm after waking up to hand in my MC and came home to sleep again. I keep waking up but I'll force myself to go back to sleep these days. Everything seems surreal. And I don't even know if anything I'm seeing when I open my eyes to face this world is real. The experiences I have upon waking up everyday feels as if I'm trapped in a nightmare, one that I can't escape from. There's no difference between sleeping or being awake these days. If only I can just sleep forever and not wake up. If the reality of life is this bad, I choose to run. I'd rather not face anything in this life if I'm given the choice. Why can't I stop ruminating or obsessing over thoughts or things which make me upset or miserable? Why can't I stop thinking? Why am I disappointed with life and the way people treat one another? Why am I born in a time and place where I have no control of my destiny and fate rules me?

I want to give up. I don't have any fighting spirit in me any longer. I regret that I'm an idealist stuck in this realist world and I can't change myself to suit this world. Can I just disengage myself from this world and not bother about anything which goes on in it? I'd rather live in my fantasy world where there is always peace, love and joy. Although it is just make-believe, at least it's the only place I can seek refuge in from this world which is cold and unfeeling.

On Pointe @)~~
1:19 AM