There is no finishing line to perfection <33

Monday, July 31, 2006

~I need to stop being a complete wreck~

Why does fate enjoy making a sport of man? Why is it that the one we love the most does not love us and the ones we do not love will like us anyway? Was looking forward to ballet class on sat but Ms Ho came down with a fever so class was cancelled.

Went out with Esmonel, a 26 year old friend I met on Friendster and chatted on msn for about 7 mths but haven't met or conversed over the phone even once. We share a common love for WW2 history and the same horoscope. He was late for our 7pm appointment and he wasn't kidding when he mentioned over msn that he was always late. We nearly missed each other coz i wanted to leave at 725pm when he eventually called me (He changed his hp no but din inform me when i called his old hp no). We caught the movie "Thank You for Smoking" at 740pm. I enjoyed the show thoroughly as the political satire was filled with biting sarcasm and witty lines. He asked me if I wanted to join him at MOS and as i hadn't been there before previously, I agreed. I met some of his friends Samantha, Ah Boy and a few others whom I have forgotten their names (old age, what to do?!!). The experience wasn't as bad as the reviews my friends had given me. The music was alright, except for the R N B arena which I have a personal bias against. We were there till 3 am and the only grouses I had were the air-conditioning was too cold, there was a pathetic lack of eye candy and the exorbitant cover charges ($23 for gals and $28 for guys inclusive of 2 drinks). Took a cab with Esmonel and reached home around 340 and had some porridge before falling asleep.

Yesterday, accompanied Robin to buy a pair of sports shoes and a long sleeved shirt. The last time I saw him was New Year's eve and we had a strained friendship as he was sore that I had chosen Alan over him last year. On and off he smsed me but he always gave me the vibe that he was angry with me. Since I wanted to get out of my home and he sounded alright this time, thought there wouldn't be a problem with meeting him.

First I accompanied Robin from Hougang and we took a bus to Queensway Shopping Centre where we met Iris and it was like a mini reunion from the new year's celebration minus many people. I was surprised that Iris was younger than me (22) i thought she was like 24. maybe coz she looked a little mature and she was rather tall (175cm). The girl is quite blur like me, she took the wrong bus so ended up she was quite late. I was amazed there was so much food at the shopping centre but the layout was quite strange and the food outlets are like right smack in the middle and the walking pathways were quite cramped. It was my first time at the area and I was fascinated by the great assortment of sports apparel. We shopped till about 7 then we took a bus to Orchard where we had dinner at Sushi Tel. Iris made Robin pick up the tab for dinner and it came up to $65.70. Actually wanted to take a walk with Sheela at East Coast Park when i got home but she sent me an sms at 10 plus to tell me that we should have our walk another day. Robin wanted to have some drinks at Beach Cabana (the place where we first met at his birthday celebration for X'mas last year) so I went with him. He was feeling quite down due to the failure of his relationship and he ordered a barrel of Tiger Beer. This year seems like a very bad year. Seems like the people I know are experiencing breakups and it's quite depressing. There were the memories I had at the place because that was where it all started when i got together with Alan last time. The guy got teary eyed at some moments but being a guy he never let the tears roll down. I couldn't control my tears when I recalled the memories especially of that day during new year's eve when bro and elisa were there too. He was trying to drown his sorrows in drink while I was sipping on my fruit punch. I got to know his friend Jason who was working there and Robin was joking that he was younger than me and I could consider him. Robin mentioned that 100% of guys are after one thing which is basically sex and that I should be wary of every guy including him. Even without his warning then I had heard this piece of advice from my cousin Andy and other guy friends whom I share a purely platonic friendship so it wasn't anything new.

We talked till about 3+ am before we went over to Mac's for supper or breakfast. We stayed there till 530am. He was damn shacked from having only 3 hrs sleep the previous night. He was asking me why I had to reject him twice when he asked me whether we can be together again this time as he said that I was the type he could settle down with. I just felt it doesn't mean that I have to try to be with someone whom I don't love and worse just be in a relationship just for the sake of what? Companionship? I've learnt to take men's words with a pinch of salt now from bad experiences, especially guys with tattoos and if they are older than I am, all the more I should keep my guard up and a distance away from them. I have always wondered if I'm really that gullible and naive that they use the same lines. "I want a girl to settle down with and you are a good girl.", "I will love you and treat you well but I won't make promises". He asked if I could send him home and considering that he had taken the tabs for dinner and breakfast, that was the least I could do for a friend. I took the bus with him to Hougang. He did the holding hand thing but I didn't whack him like I did to Z. As it was raining and I was damn cold it was comforting to feel the warmth from a human hand which I did explain why I let him hold my hand. But I drew the line when he tried to kiss me and I turned my head away. All the while I did mention it was impossible we'll be together and I treated him like an elder brother. Maybe I'm too used to the nurturer's role in my relationship and when a guy treats me well, I just regard him as an elder brother. I do ask myself sometimes why is it sometimes guys don't get it. In the sense that a guy and a girl can share a friendship. It puts me in an extremely awkward and uncomfortable position when my guy friend expresses interest in being more than friends. I've more guy friends than girl friends and it so happens that some of them were friendships which started from the "I like you. Can I know you?" thingie. It's not easy finding the words to reject someone nicely but I don't believe in wasting their time when I know I don't like a guy in a more than friend's way. I'm happy for my guy friends when they find someone who loves them.

It's tempting to start on a relationship when you feel the stone cold loneliness from being single sometimes. But I have this impossibly incredible belief that heaven is testing me. If I'm with another person, there is a high possibility I'll never be with the guy I love the most ever again and I'll regret my decision in future. Even though he's officially with her now, I won't be doing anything to wreck their relationship. I don't know how likely my vision will come true ever but I hope that if I keep the faith and when it comes to the point when I'm calm in my wait, maybe heaven will decide to grant me my wish. I've come close to breaking my vow to the heavens but I mustn't. If I had the guts to make the vow, I should keep it no matter how difficult it is. I'll give up on him only when he gets married and I'll lead my life alone but I can always try to make my life more fulfilling by helping others instead of moping. Although since young I have always wanted a happy family but life isn't that perfect. We can't always get the things we wish for even when we work for them. Many things are predestined and fate can be cruel. The only thing I can do now is try to improve my outlook on life and get back to the stage where I was the jovial gal that I used to be rather than make my friends and closed ones worry about me being depressed and suicidal. Bro, I wish we both can learn to pick ourselves up again instead of staying on the ground after falling down.

On Pointe @)~~

7:12 PM