<body><script type="text/javascript"> function setAttributeOnload(object, attribute, val) { if(window.addEventListener) { window.addEventListener('load', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }, false); } else { window.attachEvent('onload', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }); } } </script> <div id="navbar-iframe-container"></div> <script type="text/javascript" src="https://apis.google.com/js/platform.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript"> gapi.load("gapi.iframes:gapi.iframes.style.bubble", function() { if (gapi.iframes && gapi.iframes.getContext) { gapi.iframes.getContext().openChild({ url: 'https://www.blogger.com/navbar/30413509?origin\x3dhttp://candywaitingformarsbar.blogspot.com', where: document.getElementById("navbar-iframe-container"), id: "navbar-iframe" }); } }); </script>

Sunday, July 02, 2006

~If only happiness is like a switch which u can just turn on~

It's not that I haven't tried.. I wish I can get on with my life. I wish I can cheer up. I wish I'll stop thinking about him. I wish I can forget everything. And everything is just my wishful thinking.

Just now I dreamt of I scolding bro over the fone and he called me in real life which awoke me from my slumber. Happened that we had the same dream around the same time. Maybe that's why we are so close, the telepathy thing. Bro, if you are going to continue torturing yourself without eating for three days I'll do the same. I really hope I can help. And that things between you two would get well. I feel your pain and anxiety and it saddens me to see you like this. I don't mind bearing your pain in exchange for your happiness if only god will let this happen. I wonder why is it so coincidental that whenever I'm sinking at the lowest point about him, you will have problems with her. Maybe this is god's way of a joke on us.

The worst type of pain is having an excruciating heartache yet you can't cry anymore. It's not like you have become numb coz you still can feel. It's not that the tears have dried up, it's being lost, hollow and having this void inside which frightens you. I'm resigned to my fate. If I can't get out of this, I should get used to being unhappy. Every little bit of happiness will eventually leave me. Maybe I don't deserve to be happy that's why I keep experiencing this misery for the large chunk of my adolescent and young adult life.

I want to smile without having to fake it. I want to be happy without having to try so hard that I want to give up because it has all been in vain. I appreciate the little things in life such as being able to enjoy dancing and movies but this is slowly losing its lustre in providing me simple pleasure. I'm losing my interest and zest in this lousy existence which is devoid of meaning, purpose, goals and joy. Why can't I just summon enough courage to end everything? Having friends who are concerned and give you advice ain't enough to protect you from sorrow or lift your spirits because ultimately you still feel alone, broken and hopeless.

Yesterday, ballet class wasn't that great and at the rate I'm going, I may fail my pointework. I guess even if I try my darnest best, I may not pass. I'm never going to do well in anything or be the best even if I try. After class, i went to Parkway to play Time Crisis II at the arcade to vent my frustrations about what I'm feeling. Spent $2.50 got till final stage act 2. Didn't want to waste my $0.50 for one act. Maybe should try to train till I can complete the game with $2 and not $3. Went home after that and as usual, was rotting and not doing anything productive. Then came online listen to music and my stupid brother was commenting to my mother that I kept listening to sad love songs and that don't know whether I'll commit suicide. Crazy ass does he have to do this? It's fucking difficult having to put on this mask at home pretending that I'm alright. Maybe what he said was true, I'm turning psychotic after my breakup.

I need a break from everything. Maybe I should just check myself into IMH and just take time off from school and everything. I'm getting overwhelmed by everything and I'm losing my sanity. I don't know how disappointed my parents will feel, having a mad daughter who is always giving them problems. I'm exhausted always putting this nonchalant front in front of them that I'm doing fine and alright but inside I feel terrible for being this bad actor. I'm sorry for giving them this fucked up temper coz lately I keep losing my temper and getting irritated at the slightest thing. I'm starting to lose control of myself. How much longer can I take or tolerate this situation? Please show me the way.

On Pointe @)~~
3:48 AM