There is no finishing line to perfection <33

Thursday, July 06, 2006

~It's not working~

Tue night was a fun night. Technically speaking, it was a wed morning as it happened after midnight. Met bro, Andrew, Hadri and Jermin (Damn coincidental, his Chinese name is the same as him) yours truly suggested going ghost hunting at Old Changi Hospital. We took a cab there after having prepared 5 1-dollar coins which bro said would protect us. We started to light our cigarettes and poor Andrew kept trying to light his cigarette but it seemed like a spirit kept trying to blow the flame away. As we walked to the entrance, we could see spirits already who were blocking the path ahead. Actually I could see only one black figure which was slightly to the left from the centre. Bro suggested that we not go on our exploration. Then we all had to walk down the long slope. Halfway, I said it was a waste we just stopped at the entrance having taken a cab down. But Andrew told us to go down and talk later instead. All this while, Hadri was my partner (and I locked elbows with him)coz I was freaking frightened. On the way down, he whispered to me, "There's something beside me." But I couldn't see a thing on the way down while the others saw all kinds of spirits (Jermin couldn't see anything either). Then we waited at the foot of the slope when Jermin said it wasn't advisable we go up again once we had been there once. Bro said it would be ok if we lighted 3 ciggies as an offering for the spirits and he lighted 5 ciggies which all of us took a puff from and let our 1 dollar coins soak in the smoke.

We suggested getting more people down as bro said it was quite dangerous as we had two extremely depressed people and our yang qi not enough. So we waited and saw a van went up a slope. We were saying that those people damn crazy, find this kind of place to have sex which was plain ridiculous. Anyway, the van came down after awhile and we signaled to the people in the van to stop. So we had extra company (a guy, Jing Feng and a girl, An Qi) to go on our ghost exploration. All this while I couldn't see anything anymore and I wasn't scared like before. Everyone else in our group saw pontianaks or other things whereas the couple did not see any i think.

As the couple was leaving in their van, they saw us and offered to give us a ride. We suggested going Red House for more ghost hunting and we saw a group of ah lians and ah bengs outside. An Qi kept saying it wasn't scary and said a lot of stupid things that she wasn't scared and all. While the others didn't want to go in because outside they saw the spirits. I couldn't see anything though and I wanted to go in but nobody wanted to. So we had no choice but to head somewhere else. Jermin suggested going this place at Yio Chu Kang but guess what? He couldn't find the deserted HDB flat anymore which bro said he had seen it before too. Anyway, we went to a coffeeshop at Yishun as it was going to be six and also let Jing Feng rest as he was really tired. I was a little pissed after that coz actually we supposed to take mrt back to tamp, we ended up taking cab back (due to some stupid reason, in my opinion. This reason made me more du lan than the 2nd reason) and NOBODY suggested who should pay. In the end the cab fare came up to $14.30 and yours truly came up with $10 while Andrew came up with $4.30. After using the toilet, I took the bus home as I wanted to do my assignment. I had dumplings and crab puffs for breakfast before going home to sleep.

I woke up around 530 and had a chat with Elisa over the phone before my mother came home and she drove me for my 7 pm ballet class. Seems like it's time to go on my extreme diet (plain H2O with no food) again as I had put on weight and my leotard is bursting. My arms look damn flabby and gigantic and even after sucking in my stomach, my whole body looks like a dumpling. Before I put on weight, I quite like that I had the most prominent bones in my class though I wasn't the thinnest but today I just look like an ugly, shapeless mistake. Ms Ho said I better get rid of my sickled foot problem but seems like due to the fact the way my foot is shaped and years of this tendency to sickle my foot, the problem still persists. Now I got to practise really hard coz exam is coming in Sep and my technique still isn't up to par.

Ma fetched me from ballet class home which was a relief because I did not bring my wallet out. Coming home, I just had this down mood all the way. then I started a little on my assignment. I have this stupid thought to just isolate myself from everyone and just stay at home for this entire one week plus break. then stop talking entirely to anyone. Andrew called and asked if I could slack together with him but I had to say no because I had to complete my work. I think maybe the Prozac isn't working and from this morning I been feeling nauseous after swallowing the pill and till now I keep having this feeling that there's something stuck at my chest. It's stupid if I'm paying $1 a pill to suffer from side effects that mimic the condition that i'm having.

Tell your doctor if you notice any of the following and they worry you:
• nausea, vomiting• upset stomach, diarrhoea• loss of appetite, weight loss, changes in taste, dry mouth• trouble sleeping, unusual dreams• nervousness, anxiety• drowsiness, weakness• dizziness• excessive sweating, flushing, chills• sexual problems• more frequent urination• changes in vision.

I tink the only side effect I don't mind having is suffering from anorexia. Apparrently, there's a 10% incidence of anorexia in people who take this medication. I just want to be thin. I'm tired of people telling me that I'm thin and the worst part is hearing this from people who are thinner than me. Why is everyone telling me something which isn't true when I can see my whole body looking so obese? I hate that I look so ugly and fat yet I don't have the money to go for plastic surgery and liposuction to improve on my imperfections.

I'm not exactly in the most positive of mood and I'm exhausted. I keep having this suicide ideation and I wish I can act on my fantasy. If I'm gone, will anyone care? Will they even remember this negative, pessimistic girl? I don't care if that doesn't happen. I suppose only Ma and Pa will cry the hardest. At least my parents still love me even if others don't. This world is cruel and gloomy isn't it? There's nothing to look forward to in this life when everything is so bleak. I hate the nasty surprises in my life and as time passes, I'm more afraid of what's going to happen. I'm not that strong to withstand all this stress and trials. I don't want to break and buckle under all this pressure. But sometimes I do wish I will suffer a nervous breakdown. Maybe I will no longer give a damn to anything in this lousy life anymore then.

On Pointe @)~~

2:02 AM