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Tuesday, July 04, 2006

~My new life~

My first day on Prozac. Hopefully, I'll be happy in a week as what Dr Lim had said. Reactive depression he calls it. From faking a headache, he started running the route of depression, and crazy me couldn't help crying. It's just that I hate it when people point out how miserable I am. The good thing is I'm on MC for a week hence I'm exempted from my exams.

I thought I was ok till early this morning around 2+ am when silly me just had a feeling that he posted something important on his blog. And I had to look. Curiosity kills the cat. I was on the phone then with Z as usual the persistent guy kept delving into the topic of asking me to consider him and I had to find 101 reasons to reject him. Actually, being in love with only MARs Bar is the most legitimate reason to not accept any one. It's not the vow I made which makes me obligated to stay true to it but it's just the simple reason that I can love nobody else except him. He mentioned that he feels bad that I'm suffering because of him. I guess what hurts the most was he wrote that he has no feelings for me. I didn't have the courage to ever see that in his eyes or hear him say these words but I had to see it in writing. The whole issue of avoiding him and not contacting him is something I can't bear to do but I do so simply because I can't bear to see the guy I don't know anymore. I don't know how the selfish and self-centred him could actually know I'm unhappy but I don't want him to know. He can continue his wonderful life without me with his new paramour. Isn't this what he wanted? He never cared how I felt from the day of breakup so why is he doing this now? To spite me?

I couldn't hold my tears inside anymore. I was overwhelmed with anger and sadness at the same time. I can't let go. I can't forget. I don't want to. I have already taken steps to get him slowly out of my life but he still occupies a special place in my heart. I just didn't want to talk to Z anymore and I called bro. He came down with Gwen, Andrew and Hadri to Mac's. I was touched by this gesture. Thanks to them I was able to get over the sobbing nonsense. Otherwise it would be the same days as before, weeping non-stop and drowning my sobs with the music from the radio as usual. About 4+, we went back to my home. Had a long talk with Andrew. I suppose sometimes life is just unpredictable and it doesn't go the way you want it to. Just hope that the people who is in the same situation as me would be happier. Although they say misery loves company, I'd rather do without the company. I'm envious of happy people but I don't want people to be unhappy like me. Life just goes on. Time just passes so quickly and I'm afraid that I'll forget the past. Because I never want to.

On Pointe @)~~
11:36 AM