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Thursday, July 27, 2006

~Ren yan ke wei~

Today I woke up with a happy chirpy mood only to have it go all the way down when Eric called me around 1+pm. Hearing untrue stuff about yourself that you sleep around with friends and being known as a sex symbol doesn't feel pleasant at all. What's worse is hearing it from someone whom you just knew recently whom in turn got this piece of information from a person I don't know at all, some old ah beng who's like 26 or 27. I used to think I wouldn't mind the stuff people would say about me but I'm quite affected by this. Firstly, my future husband (if there's 1 in the 1st place) or his family will probably think the worst of me and I'll probably remain an old spinster because of a malicious rumour. Secondly, I'm a girl and my reputation is in tatters and I've no way of rectifying it. Fuck la, I just wanna run to a place where there isn't anyone around and I wouldn't feel hurt by stupid gossip. It doesn't mean that not talking about other people would mean you would never be a victim of rumours. If gossip can drive people to suicide, it's a powerful albeit vicious weapon to harm others. It's stuff like these which make me terrified of human contact and communication. You never know who'll stab you in the back, it hurts even more when he's someone close to you. At least now I know when a person whom I just know looks at me in a strange manner, I can attribute it to a cause.

I thought today would be a wonderful day when my spirits are up for the first time. I shouldn't have answered that phone call. Maybe I would be happier not knowing things which I don't want to know. Ignorance is bliss I suppose. Why can't we all be nice to one another in this world? Can dislike and hatred ever be banished from this world? Why is life so negative and unfair sometimes? How does one remain optimistic when he sees the unfortunate and unhappy incidents and events around us? If life is all about trials and tribulations, I'd forego it. I don't need to know that things happen for a reason, that I need to undergo challenges to learn something. Because ultimately I'm going to die and these stupid lessons mean nothing to me at all, especially if it makes me disillusioned with life and people in general.

On Pointe @)~~
3:40 PM