There is no finishing line to perfection <33

Sunday, July 09, 2006

~Revelations~

Yesterday just found out something: They are not together. She treats him like a brother while he's carrying a torch for her, just like my unrequited love for him. It's strange how these youngsters can create a situation where almost 99.9% of people can misunderstand their relationship or friendship or whatever you call it. Isn't it a bit overboard giving each other endearing nicknames and all? I suppose now kids don't know what limits are. I think he probably feels like an idiot who misunderstood her intentions. Some people would say it's impossible for a guy and a girl to have a platonic relationship but I beg to differ. If both parties respect the boundaries it's not wrong to be very close to each other. Maybe people are too simplistic in thinking that when a guy and a girl are seen together, the first thing that comes to their mind is they are in a relationship. Sometimes it's true sometimes it's not. There's a subtle difference in the way a true couple and friends will treat each other. You can just look at the physical closeness between them. Friends don't hold hands, kiss or touch each other (Yes I know there are a few exceptions but I believe in our culture we are not that liberal).

It's wierd but these few days i just feel stoned. Maybe it's good in a way. Numb to everything. You won't feel hurt, sad or depressed. Neither do you feel excited, happy or exhilarated. A walking zombie. Without a sense of purpose. Probably it's great that I can no longer feel or express any emotion. Only way that I can shut myself out from the intruding recurring thoughts which used to bring tears to my eyes or a smile to my face. Maybe I will just continue the medication for the max of 3 months till I feel I can cope without it. Until I decide I want to feel again. It's human to be able to feel, but if shutting out this function makes me more capable to cope with my everyday life better I choose not to feel.

Yesterday, I went out with Jiaxiu at City Hall. 2 singletons who are extremely bored staying at home who came out to have dinner together at Cavana. Then walked around Marina Square and nothing caught our eye. It was kind of boring and we decide to settle at cafe Gelato to sit down and talk crap. Then bro called me around 945 asking if I want to go Old CH and I told him I'll reach Tampines interchange between 1030pm to 1045pm. After rushing and reaching there at 1045 I tried callin him but couldn't get through the line so I smsed him. And he smsed that he was at home. I was quite du lan coz I knew he wouldn't reach there that fast and he didn't bother to inform me beforehand. And in addition, yours truly wasn't feeling well with a cold and a sore throat so I didn't want to wait and came home instead to rest. With this condition, I tink if I had gone, I'll probably see a lot of our "friends".

Z called me around 2 plus and as usual we chatted till around 545am. That guy sure is damn persistent. He can keep repeating his same question for days on end. He said he was sure I like him. Yes I like him, but only as a friend. And if I'm tempted to go into a relationship with him, it's purely a rebound thing and I think this is detrimental to me. It's nice that someone can give you attention when you just feel like having someone around. But I guess if he wasn't interested in me, he probably can't be bothered. Everything that we do boils down to motivations and reasons. Sometimes, I'd rather be alone than have company. Yet when I'm alone I wish there was someone there. It's difficult sometimes looking around the cold walls of your room and you speak, only to hear your own voice. I used to be able to cope with being alone since young but as I grow older I become more vulnerable and prone to feeling lonely. I have to make it a way of my life. I need to learn that eventually I only have myself to depend on and there won't be anyone to pick you up when you fall all the time. I promised him that I'll be there for him no matter what happens but I realised now that is a promise that is difficult to keep. If he rejects me I can't be there for him, not because i don't want to but he won't let me.

I should stop smoking once and for all. Getting a stuffy and running nose doesn't feel good at all :(Besides, I don't want to stain my teeth and fingers. And it's not exactly my favourite activity. Sometimes you might not like what you are doing but you feel compelled to do so just because you want to. Sounds contradicting? It is.

On Pointe @)~~

4:52 PM