There is no finishing line to perfection <33

Monday, August 07, 2006

~Affairs of the heart~

I had my first experience of roller blading yesterday on Robin's invitation and I got to meet his best friend Hanrong, Hanrong's gf Lijun and his two friends Lukai and Kevin. Kevin, who's a rollerblading instructor taught me how to balance and take steps. The beginning was terrible as I kept clinging on to his arm and refused to let go. :P I managed to skate extremely slowly like a tortoise although I likened it to taking baby steps at a snail's pace and it wasn't completely successful and fluid as it should be. I fell multiple times and each time, I would laugh for some time before I regained my composure and picked myself up. I'm sort of strange, ever since I was young when I fell I would never cry even if it was painful. Laughing lessens the pain in a way and I thought it was useless to cry since the damage has been done (bleeding and the thought of sustaining scars as a result). Kevin was extremely patient and I appreciated that.

After our skating session, we had dinner together at the foodcourt at Parkway Parade excluding Lukai. Robin tried to play matchmaker, getting me to sit in the front seat of Kevin's car and made many references to me as Kevin's girlfriend. All just because everyone was waiting for us for 20 minutes after they had returned their skates and Kevin and I had been sitting under a pavillion talking while Robin was wondering what the hell we were doing. I was extremely embarassed because I did have a favourable impression of Kevin as we were able to communicate freely without feeling awkward despite us meeting for the first time. Kevin comes across as mature, adventurous and optimistic and it is coincidental that he's working at the building where I study. Age-wise, he's 30 this year but he doesn't look his age at all. I think he has a very attractive personality and he's the type of guy I admire. The mature, independent take-charge male. After dinner, Hanrong and Lijun left while Robin and Kevin accompanied me to the arcade to play Time Crisis II with $6. They played at the arcade like ages ago but their standard was not bad considering it was their first try. We took turns to play as a 3 person tag team and we nearly completed the game at stage 3 the last act. The 2 guys were surprised that I was quite hiong playing the game. A bit paisay that we were the last customers at the arcade the cashier had to wait for us to finish our game.

Robin wanted to go for drinks so we went to Coffee Club which was near Cineleisure to talk till about 1am and it was quite enjoyable. It was quite interesting to look at one another's perspectives on all sorts of topics and issues. Robin got Kevin to send him back first as he said he wanted Kevin and I to have more time together. Geez, he damn wierd sia. Not like he'll get paid to play matchmaker. Kevin passed me his name card on sending me home and I'll probably email him to keep in touch as friends. And I do feel paisay that the tab was on him at the session at Coffee Club. Anyway, Robin treats me as a friend now as we shared a conversation till 5am this morning.

Does it always end there or will residual feelings remain dormant until they suddenly resurface one fine day? On reading an email from Benny, all the memories of our 3 years+ relationship came running back. I've always wanted to reconcile with him after my failed relationships before Alan because he's the only guy who understands me inside out and we have been through a lot together. We share a unique bond that is beyond words and there is this shared mutual feeling that we are fated to meet but never to last. That is the reason why we have that much affection for each other. We treasured the love we had together because we knew there would come a day we'll part.

I've come to realise the possibility of accomodating many loved ones in your heart. We can love many people and the feelings are different with each one. I used to think there were only one soulmate in our life but actually, there are destined people we are able to be with, people we can never be with even though we love them and people who'll love us but we don't love. I guess we never stop loving someone entirely because there will remain a vivid reminder of the love you once shared in the form of memories. Love is very complicated and I think this is a gross understatement. This is the very thing which can drive people to madness, incur overwhelming feelings of jealousy, hatred, selfishness and the consequences on acting on a wimp can be disastrous. Crimes of passion and other incidents bring out the worst in people just all because of the four letter word.

I'm getting confused over what I'm feeling now. It becomes difficult to discern admiration from liking in a special way. It's tough to differentiate all the emotions from one another. Will the one we marry be the one we love the most or is he or she the one who loves us most? Love is perplexing and complex. Having different bags which contain the gifts and things from each ex boyfriend, I can never bear to throw anything away. Maybe that explains why the emotional baggage gets heavier with each relationship because I'm afraid to let go of the past history and fond memories. Being emotional is a weakness since feelings can no longer be trusted. It doesn't make sense at all. If everything starts on a blank slate every time we start a new relationship, maybe the world will be much simpler.

There are temptations everywhere and it seems it's so easy to like a person. Sometimes being able to communicate well on a first meeting may bring out feelings of exeriencing a crush. I get that sometimes and although you present an outward serenity to the world, inside you are torn and confused over who you really like. It cannot be you like everyone in a special way? Or is it just certain character traits and qualities that draw you to them and make them seem attractive? Maybe it's a matter of deciding to commit to one person and giving up on the rest which determines the one you love the most. Whether you are willing to make sacrifices or going through thick and thin together may be an indicator of how deep your feelings are for a person. I should try not to overanalyse banal stuff like this. It's just going to increase the number of white hairs on my head and make me stressed. I'll just see how things go. Maybe the future is going to hold some unexpected surprises which will change my entire perspective on life and love.

On Pointe @)~~

2:03 PM