<body><script type="text/javascript"> function setAttributeOnload(object, attribute, val) { if(window.addEventListener) { window.addEventListener('load', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }, false); } else { window.attachEvent('onload', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }); } } </script> <div id="navbar-iframe-container"></div> <script type="text/javascript" src="https://apis.google.com/js/platform.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript"> gapi.load("gapi.iframes:gapi.iframes.style.bubble", function() { if (gapi.iframes && gapi.iframes.getContext) { gapi.iframes.getContext().openChild({ url: 'https://www.blogger.com/navbar/30413509?origin\x3dhttp://candywaitingformarsbar.blogspot.com', where: document.getElementById("navbar-iframe-container"), id: "navbar-iframe" }); } }); </script>

Thursday, August 31, 2006

~It's all coming back~

I met someone new R on this website recently and he bears some resemblence to Alan. We've been talking on the phone for the past few nights and I realised I'm attracted to him because he reminds me of Alan. The way he speaks and his appearance (from his pics) are similar. Not to mention his age and course of study is the same. The only things which differ between them are: R is much taller, at 1.78m and he is more mature and expressive about his feelings. From R's smses, it seems as if I've a bf, a "miss u" sms more than 3 times in a day, "reporting" what he is doing and calling me gal gal. R is asking me out for dinner on sat after my ballet class and I wonder how the day will go. He said that he'll make me happy. So let's see whether I will smile on that day.

After I ended the conversation at 1205am I called bro and I went hysterical again, sobbing non-stop. Lately been crying again for the past few nights because my fear of not being to be with him is getting stronger. I really want to be with him. I don't mind giving up all my guy friends or everything just so he will love me again and we can be together. Bro and I are going to the temple tomorrow coz I really want some answers from Heaven. I feel as if I'm going crazy, alternating between numbness, unhappiness and false joy. It's as if time passes so slowly without him and this wait is tortuous. Yes, and I still have the mood to be vain. Friends have commented that I've aged alot,I've noticed this myself after the break up. I can no longer hide my haggard face under make up no matter how much powder I apply and my white hairs give away my misery. I look at myself and think that I no longer look like the girl he fell in love with initially. Maybe he's right: I've the mentality of a 30+ year old woman and now I look like one. They say love makes a woman radiant but when she falls out of it they didn't mention the opposite effect which will occur.

I should distract myself, maybe indulge in other stuff. Trying to forget him which is humanly impossible. Overwhelmed with everything. Ballet exam and the upcoming rehearsals for the ballet concert in Dec on sats (from 1-230pm to 4-7pm). Have to remember so many things and I am so absent-minded these days. Lost my 2nd umbrella in 2 weeks. I'm becoming stupid not that I am even smart in the first place but at least average. I don't understand the content in the Health Psychology tutorials. And there's the Human Resource Management test on next Mon. Plus assignments. Ok I just need to get a grip on myself and pull through. I want to complete my degree and pass my ballet exam. Stop thinking about him. It's tough but I must do it.

On Pointe @)~~
4:07 AM