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Saturday, August 19, 2006

~Tears in my eyes~

I read a stranger's blog today. In it, he spoke of his love for a woman. But it was a forbidden love never to be. Both are married with children. Responsibility to their families has tore them apart from each other. I've never felt such sentimental tender emotions from a man's writing before. It was calm and composed yet such control seemed to be a deliberate attempt to conceal the extremely passionate feelings he has for her. In the ideal world, lovers will be together till death parts them. However, in reality, it's not picture-perfect. Circumstances, fate and destiny determines whether lovers stay together or separate.

Today, Suifeng smsed me telling me that Weisheng wants to apologise for what happened in the past and he wanted my address. Actually, I finally understand where my heart lies now and how I feel about my past relationships. I loved every single one of the guys in my previous relationships and I still love one of them. I don't blame Weisheng anymore. I had my mistakes too. It doesn't matter whether he let me down. It's all history. And i don't wanna rake up the past. We were immature and I wasn't the right girl for him. I stifled a free spirit.

There are many things I've done after my last relationship which I've regretted. I really didn't want things to turn out this way. I was blinded by the stabbing ache of the rejection by someone I love and couldn't think rationally. I yearn to feel your arms around me when I lie next to you as we go to sleep again. I feel protected in your arms when I sleep and everytime you tell me that I face away from you when I sleep, I try to make a conscious effort to face you each time I revert back to my usual sleeping style. I love waking up next to you seeing your peaceful face while you are still asleep. Your smile melts my heart each time and I experience joy when I see you happy. I've never felt more lonely than ever without your physical presence for this past 3 months. But if being with me can't bring you happiness I have to let you go. To pursue your happiness without me in it. I truly wish that my dreams of you sometimes where we are together again would come true. I awake each time wishing that I didn't wake up just to spend a longer time with you even though it's not real in reality. I can't forget the gentle manner you spoke to me. And the way you look at me with sincerity and innocence. I remember your scent and how it will linger on my skin when you hug me. I can't bear any grudges against you. I know the intensity of my love frightens people sometimes. I'm afraid of myself too, that I won't be able to control my passions and emotions for you. Maybe my love was too overbearing for you to take. I can't forget you or move on because I've set my heart on you only when I was with you. I don't want to be with any other guy and if you no longer feel any love for me, I can only leave quietly away from everyone and from you. When I made the vow that I'll never marry no one else except you, I knew I would never break this vow. I don't regret doing that because if you want me to be with someone whom I don't love, I can't do it. My entire life I've been searching for you, someone whom I'll love unconditionally more than myself and my family. Everything I do it wasn't because I was hoping to get something back from you or more love from you, I truly wish you would be happy. But when I saw what I have done pushed you even further away from me, I didn't know what was going on. Maybe sometimes the more we want something, the harder it is to acquire it. I ended up making you more pressured and unhappy. I should try to understand you that you needed your own space to withdraw into when you do not speak sometimes. My heart bleeds when I see you carrying all the burden you have on your shoulders. I wish I can share your burden so it won't weigh so heavily on you. I'll try to live my life as well as I can so you'll never need to worry about me. Just hope you are not losing too much weight and your studies are doing fine. I pray that you are safe and sound and happy. I'll always be behind you no matter what happens.

On Pointe @)~~
3:41 AM