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Wednesday, August 02, 2006

~You can't fight fate~

Z smsed me last night while I was asleep. In it it seemed as if I was never going to see or hear from him again. I feel guilty that I can't do the thing he wants me to do that can express my gratitude. Although he did mention that he was wooing me he made an effort to call me almost every night and tried to comfort me when I got into my crying spells. He could have spent the time on someone else or done something more productive but he chose to waste it on this silly girl who doesn't seem to come to her senses. Actually, it's become strange when he doesn't call or sms and I'll wonder what has happened. It's not that I don't trust him: I do know he's the type who'll be a loving supportive boyfriend but I can't bring myself to love anyone else other than Alan. It's not that I don't want to give him a chance; I'm not the girl I used to be who used to be hopeful that love would end in a happily after scenario, trying time and again just to fail. Committing yourself to a guy or relationship only to be disappointed repeatedly when they stop loving you or fall in love with another feels terrible. I attribute this to retribution and God thanks for this punishment. I've learnt to see people and things more clearly and learn not to be optimistic or hopeful anymore. Having found the guy I love the most in my entire life, it's time to stop looking for love even when it comes in the form of someone else.

Maybe I don't deserve to be loved. This sounds familiar coz Alan said this before. Every single day there's this ridiculous part of me which hopes he'll just call or sms. I feel sad when I read his blog that he's unhappy or not doing very well. I wish I can do something for him but I know he doesn't love me and most probably he would reject me. He can't be bothered with me and he seems selfish. I know every one who asked me the question "What is it you see in him that you are so attached to him?" is baffled when I reply I don't know. My love for him is like a mother who loves her child regardless of the fact that the child has done the worst or most atrocious acts and things. It doesn't matter that he isn't caring towards me or he seems only interested in his own welfare, I can't stop loving him. Maybe I've owed him too much in my past life and it's time to repay the debts. If things have to turn out this way, I can only lament that it's my life and there's nothing I can do about it. It's pointless to put the blame on anyone or anything coz things won't go back to the way it was. At the very least, I know I don't want to cry anymore for him. I want to pick up the broken pieces in my life and just move on, but I'll always leave a space for him deep in my heart. All I can do is wish him all the best in everything he does and he'll find happiness.

On Pointe @)~~
2:02 PM