There is no finishing line to perfection <33

Sunday, September 03, 2006

~I hate the fucking lying fraud(No offence to his parents, they are nice people but they have an asshole for a son)

Sorry peeps. For those who dislike vulgar language, please don't read this post if you'll be offended. Finally, I've learnt the truth about everything I need to know. I've been a stupid dumbass who have been wallowing in self-pity over a worthless fraud for such a long time. But it could been worse. I wished I had known it earlier so I can wake up from my nonsensical dreams and seen things for what they really are. After doing an assignment for Social Psychology on Love is Blind, and I found lots of evidence pointing to this, I think the strongest conviction in how true this is is reflected on something which happened to me. I have painted an idealised version of the guy whom I thought he was but the truth couldn't be more different. Kan ni na like an idiot kept in the dark for so long. I'm going to give myself a great birthday present by asking him out a few days before my bday and forcing him to admit the truth in front of bro and me. I want to hear the truth straight from his lips. And he better tell the truth then. Later I'll ask him to give me something that he owed me. He told me that I can slap him or whatsoever so that I will feel better. I didn't want to then but now is different. This time I will give him 100 tight slaps across his face for both sides and I want him to kneel in front of me. I want to humiliate him in front of a crowd. I don't mind if he is going to hate me coz I hate him. And I don't need a deceitful person as a friend. The truth hurts but what hurts more is being stabbed in the back by someone whom you had no bad intentions towards and all you wanted to was to be a friend to him. I finally see him for who he really is: selfish, egoistical, manipulative and opportunistic. Indeed, it is difficult to pick out the wolf in sheep's clothing from the truly good guys especially if he's extremely cunning and capable of projecting a different image to the outside world. Ok, yours truly have learnt another BIG lesson in life. Not to trust what you see on the surface as there is always something deeper lurking underneath.

1/9 (Fri)
Went to meet Keng Chong at 201 to check out something at 11am then took bus 12 to the temple to ask questions about the fraud. Basically, I got 3 lots out of which 2 were bad and 1 was medium. I was extremely upset but I couldn't shed a single tear. Then I went to Bugis Junction to take a look at the pretty tinklets to cheer up before taking a bus home. Sorry, Clarence. I didn't mean to pangseh you. I fell asleep after sending you the sms that I couldn't meet you for dinner. Was extremely tired and drained. Was supposed to take a walk with Sheela at East Coast again but she probably fell asleep and this did not happen.

R called me later at night to chat and yes indeed we've become closer although we hadn't met each other once. We share many similarities except of coz he's more guai than me. But I have to admit I'm rather impressed with him from our conversations for the consecutive 5 nights. He strikes me as a responsible, fillial boy who possesses a stong enthusiasm for life. And I admire his passion for sports and his sentimentality. This is not a crush and I feel something for this boy. I don't know how to explain it but for once my thoughts seem to be in sync with another person. For these few days I was afraid I would fall in love with him. Yes I like him and I was fearful that I was "unfaithful" to you know who. But after the truth is out I'm not going to give a damn about the fraud. If anything ever happens to him, seriously I think he deserves it and I'm not going to be soft-hearted and empathise with him.

2/9 (Sat)
Slept late as usual and woke up with a horrible stomachache. I had diarrhoea (as usual) so I did not go for the earlier 1pm ballet class. This was due to consuming curry bee hoon with watermelon at 3am which has been left in the fridge for a few days. Don't ask me why I have a habit of eating food which has gone slightly bad. I simply don't care and I don't mind getting a stomachache. It is a psychotic way of trying to keep my weight down but I guess it's the only thing which works for me. Having your cake and being able to eat it, isn't that wonderful?

Ma sent me for my 4pm ballet class and I was late for 20 min. I forgot that the pianist was hired to play for us today otherwise i would have hurried up in my preparation for class. Practice rehearsal for the concert started from 530pm and ended at 715pm. For 45 min, my group of classmates (including I) had to just stand around looking at the other girls dance and we were bored stiff. Kai Ting was extremely quiet today a totally different change from her usual chirpy perky self. I could understand her feelings of being marginalised, being thought of not good enough to play a bigger role. Ms Ho may be biased but she hasn't really expressed it in a bigot fashion. The entire dance is to be done on pointe and the girls who were chosen to do the opening were better than us in turns. For our turns on demi-pointe we are just not as good as them. Period. I thought it was fair to choose them to do the turns. Anyway, the music for this particular dance is kinda cool, the steps are neo-classical ballet and the music for the other dance is :Dance of the Bumble Bee.

Indeed, there is competition everywhere and the world is unfair. Why are some people born rich and spoilt while others are born poor and suffering? There can never be true equality in this world. For instance, I missed out by a few marks to distinction for my ballet grades exam (way back when i were taking classes at YMCA) despite being devoted to class, memorising the entire syllabus book and practicing my steps religiously at home. While my classmate Denise who doesn't attend class regularly and doesn't remember her steps gets distinction effortlessly. She took up ballet since young and she does has an innate talent for ballet. However, the ironic thing is she hated it and the only reason she continued with class was that she had already come this far and her mother wanted her to continue taking classes. The poor girl, I know how crappy it can be to do something that you have no interest in. It's like being forced to swallow a bitter pill without water. All I felt was that no matter how hard I tried I'll never be as good as girls who had learnt ballet since young. And Ms Teo made a comment that I would never dance as well as Hazel with regards to the earlier point. But the few times Ms Teo accorded praise since she rarely dished it out and in place it was biting sarcasm about how bad we danced, I truly cherished it. Like the time (Grade 8) for the compulsory classical dance Etude Lyric when she mentioned that I was the only one who could bring out the essence of the dance in our solo and the time that Michele and I were the only pair to exhibit the dramatic nature for the free movement section using our scarves. I recalled my anxiety in the past where I freaked out when we had to do any solo in front of my classmates but now I've learnt to overcome my fear by using positive thoughts. Like pretending that I am the best dancer (even though it's not the truth! and I know it!). Just like certain days I wake up feeling down and I tell myself that you should believe that the girl in the mirror can be attractive if she smiles. However, in this case, it does not have an efficiency rate of at least 70%. I guess it helps when I tell myself sometimes that striving for perfection won't make me happy and when I know I have done my best I need not worry too much. But most of the time when I see the person staring back at me in the mirror, it's difficult to control how harsh I can be on myself.

Ok, now for the part where people are curious about. How was the date? After ballet class, my mother drove Selina (coz she was late for work at Heeren), Phoebe and I to Somerset MRT station. We reached there around 810pm which meant he had waited for 10 min. Phoebe is the only person who has seen him besides yours truly and she whispered to me,"He's quite cute." So I introduced them to each other and Phoebe skipped off happily past the fare gates to Marina Bay for her seafood buffet dinner. He looks different in real person from his pictures but he cuts a dashing figure (FYI, he looks good in pictures, but he looks even BETTER in person) . Yes, yours truly can be superficial to people whom she does not know but people who know me has commented on how my choice of bfs is so CMI (in the looks department). I like him for his character and kind heart. The good looks is just a bonus to his personality. He's quite tall and gentlemanly and I was pleasantly surprised and touched to receive a jar of hand folded hearts and such (159 hearts, 39 triangular stuff and 5 roses) after Phoebe went off. This is the first time I ever received hand folded knick knacks from a guy and I was quite touched. He's really good at handicraft and I have a great deal to learn from him in this department.

So we walked to Cineleisure to have dinner at KFC. Just upon walking a few steps away from the MRT station guess what? Both of us kana birdshit. It was on his left shoulder of his shirt while some landed on my upper back near my neck. Suay sia, this is the 4th time I'm so unlucky. maybe it's a hint to buy 4D for tomorrow's draw because I saw my hp no on a registration plate 9699 on the way to ballet class. :P Somehow my appetite had been suppressed for this few days and it wasn't that fantastic. As I finished <>

Actually we had plans to play pool before but it was 9 plus by then. We strolled along the pavement outside Takashimaya and listened to this Latin American buskers who played really good music. So he said let's play scissors paper stone to see who would have to donate? I won la then he donated $2 and we walked towards Borders. As it was quite warm, I helped him to wipe off his sweat with a tissue. He did the same too after I pass him the tissue. We had some onion rings which he fed me with tomato ketchup and he taught me how to fold a heart using a receipt. He tore it into two and we both had one to work with. Alas this girl is S-L-O-W and she probably caught step 6 out of 20 steps. So he helped me to fold my heart and we both kept one each in our wallets on top of our IC. He mentioned that it was the first time someone helped him wipe off his sweat and asked me if it was the same for me(Of coz it wasn't). This sweet guy helped me carry my *pink* bag even when I told him not to and he said it was quite heavy for me. We walked through Borders and he flipped through Teens and FHM. I was amazed when he told me he doesn't read any lad mags and he only glanced through the pages when his friends had them. I was recommending him to read Maxim instead that's why I made this discovery. Nice to know he's a left-hander which i hardly see in people these days except in Addy and Jane.

He sent me to the bus stop at Paterson Lodge and I gave him a goodnight peck on the cheek when my bus came. Seconds before he had given me an air kiss. I'll stop here. I'm getting tired. Kinda abrupt. Ya suspense is exciting, don't you think? Want a cliff hanger? Haha. Ok la, don't wanna tease people. Will continue another time.

On Pointe @)~~

4:52 AM