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Tuesday, September 26, 2006

~I'm afraid~

Darling, I know I'm starting to withdraw from you by becoming detached.. I don't want to be dependent on you, I'm afraid we won't last.. I'm afraid I can't handle it should one day you leave me.. I'm afraid of losing myself in you only to find that the happily ever after scenario will never come true. I love you but at the same time I'm afraid of loving you. I admit I'm insecure and a coward. I'm afraid of putting myself in a vulnerable position and risk getting hurt again. I'm afraid of losing you so much so that I may give you up first even if that is not my intention.

Most of all, I'm afraid that you will stop loving me suddenly one day. I really don't want that to happen. I may appear strong outside but inside I'm weak. Indeed I'm selfish. I want to withdraw into my own world where no one can reach me. I know I'm hurting you by not putting my trust in you. I can't trust anyone fully anymore. I don't want to let my guard down coz I want to preserve that little bit of rationality I've which will protect me. Will you understand how I feel? I don't believe that I'll experience a long term joy with anyone. Coz I don't deserve it. Heaven won't be so kind to me. One day everything will be taken from me just when I least expect it. My heart will break and this time it won't mend ever again.

I'd like to think I'm so over my past relationships and that they haven't affected one single bit, unfortunately this isn't the case. I'm disillusioned with the concept of a lasting union, loyalty and love. Coz it can't be true nor it will ever exist in my life. I choose not to believe in it anymore. Please forgive me. I'm sorry. Maybe it's better for you to give up on me coz I can't bear to let you go.

On Pointe @)~~
3:10 PM