There is no finishing line to perfection <33

Friday, September 29, 2006

~The loneliest feeling in the world~

Has anyone bothered to stop to think when do you feel so alone and isolated from everybody else? Everyone seems so busy these days with their own lives and problems to care about anybody else don't you think so?

The answer to my first question is you feel most lonely when you are depressed (down in the pits, in the dumps, miserable and whatever you choose to name feeling like crap) or when you are sick and no one gives a shit about what happens to you. The best combination is when you experience both at the same time and it isn't a coincidence that depression makes one more prone to illnesses or that being ill makes one more likely to experience depression.

I started feeling damn down from Tuesday for no apparent reason and it isn't supposed to be this way. I've everything going my way. Studies wise, love wise, relations with my parents etc, yet why do I still feel like I'm facing this world all alone with no one to share my joy or burdens? Why do I feel as if I don't matter in anyone's lives? I haven't been sleeping well despite sleeping excessively but awaking once or twice every hour makes sleeping a dread (I still force myself to sleep anyway since I can't really walk or sit up straight plus I just feel so unhappy so it's a mechanism for me to escape from reality) Overslept till I missed my evening ballet class.

Come Wednesday early morning around 1+ am, my stomach started aching like hell and I awoke from my sleep several times before I decided to go to the bathroom in my parents' room at 5am. I started getting watery stools and I had this really sick feeling in my chest. I began vomitting some yellow liquid which I have no idea what it was. My legs started turning into jelly and I was stranded on the toilet bowl. I couldn't get up for about ten minutes and I nearly died from the stench. By the time I could gather enough strength, I stumbled onto the sofa clutching my stomach in pain and called out for my parents. Unfortunately, they were sleeping like some dead logs and couldn't hear me groaning from three metres away. After a while, i forced myself to go to their bed and called them up and guess what? My Ma said, "Who ask you don't eat?" My Pa said, "Ya lor, everytime don't eat? Go and take medicine then go to school" and they went back to sleep. Excuse me, I had diarrhoea, what has it got to do with not eating? I should be having gastric pain and not vomitting and diarrhoea. It didn't help matters that they din seem to give a shit about what was going on.

I got damn fed up before I staggered into my bedroom to fall asleep before the pain started killing me again and I had to get up finally at 830am. I went to my clinic downstairs and although it was less than a 5min walk downstairs, my stomach hurt so much that it was an arduous task so to speak. While waiting for my turn, I had to run to the loo again. My doc asked me if my depression was ok and I replied that I was fine. He diagnosed me with stomach flu from food poisoning, dispensed some medicine and gave me an MC for 2 days.

Great thing was my pa kept talking to me as if I missed classes intentionally and asked if I would be able to catch up with my lessons. He took leave for the day but he went out after paying for the doctor and getting me 3 bottles of barley for me to drink. I was really hungry come night even though I finished 2 bottles of barley. For dinner, I had two pieces of small buns and a bit of fish porridge and some longans. It must have been too much coz I felt extremely nauseous after that. The entire day, my stomach kept hurting and I just felt nauseous. I ran to the loo another time and watched Inuyasha on arts central at 11pm before dozing off after the show. Chatted with darling around 215am when he came home.

Yesterday, ran to the loo a grand total of 6 times (When you have no energy to do anything else, you'll do ridiculous banal things like count the number of times you run to the loo) and till now my stomach still hurts and that feeling of nausea doesn't seem to dissipate at all. My stupid asshole bro the greedy pig finished my share of porridge. He happened not to have work and he rotted the entire day with me as well at home. I was freaking hungry by 7+pm having not had anything to eat at all. I asked Sheela if she wanted to accompany me to the Old Airport Road hawker center and she said she was working on her assignment. Fair enough. So she suggested asking my bf to bring me out to dinner. I wasn't sure if he could make it so I was telling her I wouldn't bet on that. She said that from what I been telling her about him, he would spare that little bit of time since he knew I was sick.

Imagine my disappointment when I smsed him if it was ok if we had dinner together and I received a reply from him apologising and that he was going for dinner with his floorball friends. Seriously, this is the ONLY time I made a request of him from the time we are together. In my mind thoughts went through my head, "This is how important I am to you. I don't think I'm making an audacious request since I'm genuinely sick and I really wish for your company. I haven't seen you since Sat night and I really hope to see you and this is the reply I get." I smsed Sheela this: He's having dinner with his frens. I guess that's how important I am to him. He smsed me another msg apologising again and asking if dinner tomorrow would be ok.

I only went out at 9pm to take a bus coz I was stuck in the toilet again. I wanted to make sure I wouldn't feel sick again while travelling as it wouldn't be convenient to get a toilet outside. Had hor fun and almond jelly with longan at the hawker centre before walking to Mac to have some Apple Dippers and brought back some orange juice to drink. Wanted to have white porridge badly but couldn't find any stalls offering plain Teochew porridge. Porridge with ingredients such as pork, peanut or chicken will make me more nauseous as I can't take food with strong flavours when I'm nauseous. Then the feeling of nausea reached its peak on reaching home just in time to watch Inuyasha at 11pm again. I have been wanting to watch this show since catching a glimpse of it on You-tube. Actually I wanna get the box set so that I can watch the show anytime when I want to. It has been making me laugh for half an hour for these 2 days which hasn't been fantastic.

Imagine how du lan I'm when CY sent a msg to me on msn: Pregnant??????! Hello. That's not funny. Just coz I put in my msn nick that Diarrhoea and vomitting isn't a great way to spend at home. Excuse me. I wouldn't have diarrhoea for god sake if I was pregnant. I replied, "Mai Xiao la." And guess what he sent me, "use protection ok...dont get yourself into trouble" What the hell. Of coz i got damn irritated. Me: Omg. u dun talk cock can not.. Him: u in a bad mood? Seriously guys can be really stupid creatures at times. Of coz I was in a bad mood. I didn't need someone giving such dumb comments when I'm not feeling well.

I come to the conclusion that no one would ever bother to give a damn if I was sick. Just like how my parents expected me to look after myself since I was young when I was sick. If I had a fever, my mother would never take any days off to take care of me, yet she could take annual leave off to go on holidays or go for her extra classes (Aerobics, dance, singing) after work. Yes, I still do feel a tinge of resentment. When I hear of how my classmates had mothers fawning over them when they were ill, I can only envy them as I stayed holed up at home alone with the cold compress on my head and contented with going to the doctor alone and receiving a few calls from my ma to ask if I had taken the white porridge she had cooked for me. Sometimes if she didn't cook, I would go downstairs to get my own meals or cooked some instant stuff for myself. Now my mother say I'm old enough to take care of myself. How about then? The only time I felt they were concerned was when I had high fever and fits at 5. They had to send me to the hospital but even though I was quite young then, I thought that was the only time they cared. It didn't matter when the drips were going through my body and I was staring at them from a cot-like bed. Nor did it matter when I was screaming like crazy when the nurse bathed me in iced water in a white sterile room with big ice cubes and filled with water all the way to my knees. All that mattered was finally, they are giving a damn to my non-descript existence.

Not to mention bfs. NOT a single bf ever showered me concern when I was sick. It has always been me giving that attention to them when they fell ill which I never had in the first place. So I shouldn't be too harsh on darling right? Guys aren't that attentive nor sensitive in the first place. The most I will get is a phone call asking how I was. Maybe I'm not worth taking some time off to visit. I just have to be resigned to the fact that no one will actually care enough to even see my stupid face once when I'm all stuck at home. Maybe I'm just dumb to have such expectations of my bf. Which I know no one can ever fulfill even though it seems like something so simple. All I ask is I can just see my bf when I'm sick and that's all. He doesn't have to get me food or take care of me, getting towels to put on my forehead nor get everything I ask for. I just want to have someone beside me. Not having to be all alone and feeling down just coz of that. Feeling like no one care or bother about my existence. I guess I juz have to live with it. It has been this way for 18 years of my life what more can I expect? Just grin and bear with it. Don't expect anything in return for anything you do, coz it doesn't work that way. You can keep giving but no one gives a shit about that.

On Pointe @)~~

2:03 AM