There is no finishing line to perfection <33

Sunday, September 24, 2006

~Reflections~

Yesterday was the day I screwed up for my Intermediate ballet exam. I was the 4th and last girl and there was only one girl whom I felt threatened by. Her performance quality was evident and she smiled as if she was giving a performance throughout the whole exam. Her name's Jessica and I think she should be the youngest in my group. Anyway, the four of us made mistakes and blunders during the exam due to the exam nerves. I did relatively fine listening to the music and executing the exercises for the barrework correctly till it came to the freework section in the centre. I still recall the 8 steps. Start Right foot croise. Assemble derriere, assemble devant, sissonne en avant ouvert, sissonne en arriere, jete ordinare derriere, pas de bouree, stretch, plie. Repeat. Do four sets altogether. The examiner Mrs Morre was kind enough to repeat the steps more than 5 times and allowed us to practise with the music. I was sure I got the steps till it was my turn and I lost it during the 5th step and I stopped for the 2nd set and I had no choice but to copy Veronica, the 3rd girl. The thing I was most afraid of came true. I went blank. What the fuck! The moment the music stopped, the steps came to my head again!

I wanted to cry. I wanted to ask for another chance to do the exercise but there was no turning back. I could see Mrs Morre's face change. From a smile when I was dancing before the free work exercise, it developed into a negative disapproving one. I hate that I could have done the steps correctly and yet I didn't. All the girls could do the steps except me. I kept convincing myself not to let this affect the rest of the exam with this downer. But my mood just wouldn't lift. I was so anxious that my arms and legs were trembling for the finishing poses and the adage exercises where we had to balance on one leg and lift the other. I tried smiling but I'm not sure whether it came out as fake.

The pointe section was fine as I no longer had problems with the shoes being too hard. Unfortunately, I think I lost marks from having that stupid black face after fumbling in the free work section. After the exam, chatted with all the girls and I found out that Vivian (the 1st girl) was 28 and Veronica was 24. Exchanged contact numbers with them while Jessica left early with her mother. She was upset she slipped in one of the pointe exercises. I pray that all of us will pass. The exam is expensive $182 plus the blow from a failure in your dance exam, it inflicts a lot of damage to your self-esteem. It will be difficult to overcome the "why wasn't I good enough to even pass" mentality should you fail. If I fail, I don't want to take the exam again. Maybe I'm a coward but I hate failure. I want to do well not be defeated. I don't like being branded a low-achiever or failure. I had that before and I wanna make people eat their words. I want to be among the best not a mediocre person languishing in obscurity where nobody will give a fuck about you. I met Abigail my ballet classmate after the exam and she was to be next up for the exam. She has a snobbish air around her and I don't really like her especially the comments she passed to another girl about Phoebe's turns. Yes, she has a beautiful arch in her feet and she's one of the best dancers in my class with Hannah, Nicole and Andrea but she has that diva-like attitude I can't stand. I don't see the 3 girls behaving like that even though they are very good and they are always so helpful and obliging when we ask them how to do certain steps. Wished her the best of luck.

Maybe people can say I'm fake but even if I don't like or hate a person, I don't really want something bad to happen to them. That explains why I would still smile and say hi back to someone I can't stand. If I dislike someone I just cut down contact time with them so I don't have to speak with them. But I don't think I'll make a very good diplomat. That said, I recall a certain someone who mentioned that I treated people unequally, I thought it was funny coz he did the same thing. He said he treats everyone equally. However, I don't think he treated me as well as how he did to others. Lame. If you are my friend, I will do my best for you. If you are my bf or parents, I'm willing to lay my life down for you. Even if you are a stranger, if I can, I'll try to help if you need something. But don't expect me to be extremely obliging and giving to people whom I don't trust or annoying people who like to make use of and manipulate others. I don't think I'm wrong in giving differential treatment, not that I'm hurting anyone in the process or letting down my conscience. I don't give a fuck about people who can't wait to see something bad happen to me or bring me down. I believe in retribution especially those evil people who hurt others, they will get their just deserts one day. Hump.

Back to yesterday, after the ballet exam, had dinner with Ma at the hawker centre before going home to bathe and visit darling at his home around 750pm. Poor darling, leg in a bandage coz he hurt his ankle on Friday during floorball training. :( At 1045pm, I left Darling's home. Sad thing is Darling lives so far. Then have to change buses. Took the bus home and got off at Kallang Mac to use the washroom and it was flooded with water. And it's not any kind of water. It was sewage water. The cubicle for the squatting toilet had this notice on the door: Toilet choked. Please do not use. The Malay auntie probably had been waiting sometime for the cubicle with the toilet bowl and she couldn't wait so guess what happened? She went into that cubicle while I went into the other cubicle when the woman who was probably doing her BIG business came out after a while. I saw water creeping into the cubicle I was in within seconds. Imagine my horror when i saw pieces of shit floating on the floor when earlier on I didn't see that upon opening the door. The Malay lady was no longer there. I had to navigate my way carefully and washed my hands before rushing out to inform one of the crew that the toilet was flooded with sewage. Eww. the most disgusting thing to see.

Friday. Bumped into many people whom I haven't seen in a while.Took the first picture with darling together at Print Club in Century Square before rushing off for floorball training. On the way at the linkway to Tampines bus interchange, saw Simon who looked extremely surprised. I guessed he wasn't aware that I had broken up with Alan. He was still working at Blazing mobile handphone shop. Went up to him to chat and introduced Darling to him as my boyfriend. :P Anyway, we aren't that close as we don't even have each other's mobile phone numbers and exchanging numbers doesn't seem very appropriate.

Darling went off for training while I went to Long John Silver for dinner. I was tucking into my meal halfway when I saw Wui Meng and Chang Yong coming up to me. I was really surprised. They spotted me while I was queuing up to order my meal. They were waiting for Wui Meng's gf Charlene to buy popiah and then they'll head back to Wui Meng's home for a round of mahjong. CY was commenting that I was as talkative as ever and that I was still skinny. Haha. I never can shut up. My teacher at Fig Learning Centre was amazed that when nobody talked to me I'll talk to myself. Haha. I guess I'm nuts. :P And always kana singled out or doubled out (my partner in "crime") in school. Ok, I should learn to listen more. People who talk a lot aren't very smart.

After they left, I read my Female and Teens magazines till about 920pm. Popped over at Metro where I saw a lot of nice clothes at reasonable prices. Imagine a Yen white tube dress going for $13! Why is it everytime I'm broke I will see so many things I fancy yet when I've money I will not see anything which catches my eye? After that just had a feeling I needed to meet darling after his training. On the way, I passed these bunch of guys and one of them yelled, "How much?" I ignored that bastard and he continued, "Hey bitch, how much?" Doesn't mean if I dress very sexily I'm one of those call girls. I was damn pissed off and I nearly flared up. I wanted to hurl a string of vulgarities at that asshole. Something like, "KNN. You fucking bastard. You want sex go Geylang. Go look at your bloody goddamn face in the mirror. I think no one wants to sleep with you even if you paid."I didn't look to see who he was by the way. I thought better not to react that way since I was dressed up and I didn't want to spoil my image.

The whole day darling wasn't very happy as he had to diao those guys who stared at me and they would look away or down when he did that. He said he would get jealous very easily and that I shouldn't dress so sexily as it attracts guys' attention. (I was in a knee-length black dress with a high slit on the left side) The only thing about me is that I won't let ANYONE control my dressing. Not my parents or boyfriend. I can change anything for my bf but not my dressing. I can be quite anal about that . I dress as I like and if I don't get to dress up now, do I dress like that when I'm old and wrinkly? And most of the nice clothes tend to be rather revealing.

On reaching the stadium, I saw darling limping to the toilet while I waited for him. Had dinner at the foodcourt before sending darling off at the train station.

These days, have been thinking a lot. About Love. About people who have affected my life in a positive way. Will I still love the guy I'm with if something happened? Like if he met with an accident and become disabled? Will I run or stay on in the relationship? Darling asked me this question and I answered that I wouldn't leave him. I read last Sunday's Life! section about this guy who made a difference to the lives of disabled people and he himself was one. Before a diving accident, he had a bright and promising future ahead of him. He was the youngest doctor to be a director of a hospital and his dreams were all dashed in an instant. I couldn't help tearing profusely when I read that his wife left him and took the children with her. It just goes to show his wife never loved him. She was just with him because he was successful and healthy and well. When tragedy struck, she didn't want to take on the responsibility to care and look after him. In the interview, he mentioned that he still feels a little resentful towards his wife and that he wishes he can see his kids more often. If you truly love someone, even a disease where he gets Alzhemier's Disease where memories are robbed from him and he isn't the same as he is before won't change a thing about how you feel about him. The truth is in reality, people only love with strings attached. They can only love if the person they are in love with is perfectly well and healthy or have certain possessions such as money, status or looks. And love isn't about hurting your partner nor inflicting pain on each other (bro, you are most clear about what i mean) . It's not tic for tac. Granted, some people can be selfish in love but you can choose not to behave like them. All that bad blood accumulated, when will it end if everyone wanted revenge? Just let it go if the love you have doesn't come back to you.

Thought about my time at DHS and it wasn't that bad when I recalled my basketball cca seniors like Joy, Jin You and Yi Wen who guided me and treated me like a friend. We spent time outside occasionally having dinner together. I wonder how they are doing now. The bad thing is I've lost all contact with them and there seems to be no way of contacting them. I miss them a lot and I'm thankful that they were there during the rough times at school. Hope they are all doing well now and they are happy. How I wish I can bump into people whom I love and care about but they are no longer in my life now due to loss of contact. Sometimes all those memories about people who impacted my life in a positive way will bring a smile to my face. But I wish they aren't just memories and that I can do something for these people.

On Pointe @)~~

4:26 PM