There is no finishing line to perfection <33

Friday, October 13, 2006

~Is this what there is to life?~

Haven't been blogging due to a lack of mood, my post which i typed on Wed disappeared and couldn't be recovered and a crappy cold which I'm hoping I'll recover from before my Health Psychology exam on Mon.

6/10 (Fri)
Met up with my darling at his home and slacked for a few hrs before we headed out to The Cathay to catch Miami Vice. It was an exciting show with its fair share of action and romance which was interweaved into the plot seamlessly. The chemistry between Gong Li and Colin Farrell was sizzling hot and the age difference (almost 10 years with Gong Li being the senior) between the two did not hinder the way the actors protrayed their love and affection for each other in the movie. The ending was a sad one as the 2 characters could not be together due to the conflict of loyalty to the police force and the criminal activities which the other had engaged in previously. Anyway, I'm quite into police movies and I'm gonna catch The Departed next week. These 2 shows have something in common which is having cops who go undercover. The rave reviews for The Departed is making it difficult for me to sit and wait till next week to watch it. Kinda impatient for next week to come soon. :P

Darling and I walked to Orchard after the show and we had dinner at Long John Silver at Far East Plaza (seems like we eat there kinda often when we are out. Another Long John Silver fan. Ting, your kaki :P) As usual we walked around the whole place and the haze was really bad. Couldn't really see the things clearly in front of us and the arid smell in the air irritated my nose. Everytime the haze is back, my sinus problem which is in remission will return and it's like some sort of haze indicator. I saw the range of calenders for 2007 and a lovely Hello Kitty organiser caught my eye. I saw one Dilbert one too and another organiser with comic cats but my love for Hello Kitty meant I had to sacrifice them for her. Plus there was no 50% discount which was for my organiser last year which had paintings of cats and each was like close to $30. I made a reservation for the organiser which I bought the next day. Darling waited for my bus with me and I got home around 11+ pm.

7/10 (Sat)
Went for the 10am make up lesson which Param set. Having a lack of sleep, it was the usual when yours truly was struggling to keep awake. During the break, Param spoke to me and amazingly there wasn't a tinge of sarcasm in his tone. He started off by asking, "Struggling to keep awake just now?" And I started rambling about how i couldn't sleep at night. He moved on to another topic about noticing that we the psychology students seem to be taking turns at attending class. And I replied about my classmates having work commitments and all. Didn't want him to have a bad impression of us la. Our grades at stake too. Well, Param went through a past year paper and some case studies till 1pm. Was really tired but still went ahead to Orchard to get my organiser and walked around at Far East Plaza.

Afte a brief window shopping trip, I had to take a bus home quickly to get changed for my 4pm ballet class before Ma drove me to class. Never did I expect today would be the day I lost control of my emotions in class and allowed my attitude problem to resurface.

I'm finally out of the ballet concert. I toyed with the idea of withdrawing from the ballet concert previously and whatever happened on Sat was the push factor in making me do it actually. I hadn't gone for the concert rehearsal since my ballet exam and the events which occurred probably is an indication that maybe I just wasn't cut out for ballet.

Miss Ho made the girls stand in for us and they showed us the steps twice which was done to the music. I admit I probably am the slowest girl to pick up steps as the way I remember steps is vastly different from others. A huge majority of dancers learn from observing others dance, however, I learn through remembering the steps and reciting them in my mind. Maybe that has got to do with my memorising the steps from the entire ballet syllabus book every year for grades 5 to 8 with every count for each arm and leg movement. I don't see images when I dance, I see words. I struggle to remember new steps and movements and it ws no exception that day.

Miss Ho got exasperated and she commented, "Your leg is the only one sticking out in the circle." FYI I didn't realise that the leg extended to the back was supposed to be in an extremely twisted position and that you had to keep it really close to the centre of the circle we girls have to form. Another round with the music. Miss Ho with an irritated tone, "Why are you facing Priscillia? You are supposed to face inwards. (She covered her face with her hands) Someone please tell her what is going on and teach her the steps. She doesnt know what is happening. I give up." I had to face outwards at the ending part. All I know was that I started getting upset at her calling out my name and emphasizing I had made mistakes by saying inwards. I got fed up and confused when I saw the girls changing direction during the dance. She stopped the music for awhile and Deena taught me the steps but by then the damage had been done.

I didn't want to dance anymore. I was angry. that I had been singled out. I could feel my anger increasing and it was the first time I ever gotten so pissed in Miss Ho's class. Phoebe, Priscillia and Deena knew how I felt. They tried to comfort me by telling me that I should try to learn the steps when I said I wanted out of the concert and I didn't give a damn if I didn't take part (My speech was peppered with lots of fucks). Some girls are unhappy about not having a more substantial role in the concert, I am unhappy because I don't even want to do the concert in the first place and I felt compelled to participate just coz everyone was in it.

Miss Ho could sense my displeasure and as the rehearsal went on, my entire mood to dance was spoilt and I wasn't dancing properly. She tried to make me feel better by saying it's ok not to be able to do turns and that I didn't have to get too worried about learning the steps and that I can take my time. I'm not sure if she knew by saying those things I felt much worse. That I was incapable of doing something simple. I couldn't tolerate the terrible feelings I had inside anymore and I went straight up to her during a brief break at 505pm.

Me: Miss Ho I don't want to do the concert anymore.
Miss Ho: Why? Is it because of today?
Me: No (I was partially lying). It isn't this. I'm just not good enough to participate in the concert and I don't wanna ruin your performance just because of one person. I haven't been able to do the steps properly since the beginning of the rehearsals as I can't remember the steps at all. And each lesson I'm just doing rubbish.
Miss Ho: But you can learn the steps even though you don't want to take part in the concert.
Me: No I don't want to. I'm sorry. I'm very busy with school and all. And I can't handle so many things.

With that after a few more minutes I decided to just get out of the studio as I needed to use the bathroom and I could feel the tears which had accumulated in my eyes were threatening to run down my face. I didn't want anyone to see that. I'm much stronger than that. I can't break down, not in front of my classmates and most of all, Miss Ho. I don't wanna concede defeat. Moments later when I was in the cubicle, I could hear Phoebe's voice. "Mindy what happened? Why are you so pissed? Come out ok?" "I need to use the toilet how do you expect me to come out?" I sounded angry but I was dabbing my tears with the toilet paper I had pressed against my eyes. She was cajoling me to try learning the steps and take my time. I couldn't understand it: Why can't everyone see that I DON'T WANT to do the concert at all? I went back to class and after a short while at 515pm, I grabbed my bag and belongings to get changed in the bathroom. I couldn't tolerate another 1 hr 45 min of rehearsal and besides there was no point learning since I'm out of the concert anyway.

I didn't care that eyes were on me when I walked out without informing Miss Ho. All I wanted to do was vent my frustrations at the arcade. Strangely I was relieved and happy that I finally got my life back on Sats. No longer do I have to come for class since they'll be doing rehearsal. And ballet class being right smack in the middle, I can only meet my friends after class end at 7pm and it's pretty late. Now I'm free. I don't have to get all stressed up trying to remember the steps and my social life can be resumed.

I spent $3 on Time Crisis II at the arcade and strangely my accuracy improved to 58.3%. Seems like the more credit I used, the higher my accuracy rate. My position was 13th again at the same arcade. After the game, I had a missed call from darling. I got him to call me back and I sounded really angry but it wasn't directed at him. He wanted to see me dance and I told him that I won't take my words back and tell Miss Ho that I wanna do the concert. And I don't have the interest. He asked if I would go watch my classmates perform and I said No. Best thing was he asked Is it because I was jealous. Unfortunately, no. i just don't want to see something which was the cause of my unhappiness. Had my dinner at Yoshinoya and walked to Katong to have some rum and raisin ice cream before going home. I haven't told my ma about my withdrawing from the concert. I don't want to disappoint her and she will only think I'm a quitter and give some disparaging comments which I do not need to hear. Ma has too many expectations of me since young and I just can't fufill them nor show her how good I can be in her eyes. I just ain't good enough.

8/10 (Sun)
Went over darling's place and we watched a little of 15 the movie on You-tube and I went through some stuff with him regarding his project's report. Went home around 1040pm.

9/10 (Mon)
Overslept and missed HRM's class. Slacked at home.

10/10 (Tue)
Caught a stupid cold and did my Health Psychology Literature review instead of attending ballet class.

11/10 (Wed)
Went for Organisational Behavior class and spirits was up due to it being last day of class. Watched Lower City with Hansel and we were amazed by the Huh? kinda ending. Seems like arthouse films tend to have strange conclusions. Had a short chat at KFC at Plaza Singapura before I headed to Far East Plaza to meet darling.

Had dessert at Food Republic at Wisma and we met 2 strange older people. Darling was looking at the cleaner auntie who wouldn't leave our table after she cleared our table. She was just standing there for a pretty long time with the towel in her hand on the table and looking dazed in a direction. After some time she finally left and along came this middle-aged woman who asked if it was alright to share the table. Yours truly said ok while darling wanted to say No actually. She took a picture of the food she was having and proceeded to slurp her food. Darling was looking at her with a disgusted manner and we did feel constrained speaking to each other in the close proximity of an unknown stranger.

We went over to Cineleisure to have oyster mee sua and got a blueberry ice cream. Anyway both our tops had ice cream on it and darling was kinda pissed off. The customers being blur enough, we had a silly shop assistant who put mini chocolate toppings on top of our ice cream and of coz the toppings kept falling off. We had to go to Taka to wash up before darling waited with me for the bus home.

12/10 (Thu)
Slept for the entire afternoon after getting shocked by darling with his seriousness in a call. Woke up around 730 pm to catch a Korean show on tv. Was glued to the tv from 10 to 12midnight watching a documentary about children's relationships with their siblings, Inuyasha and another documentary about parents with special children. It was heartrending to see people who have the courage to care for and love their children and not entertaining the idea of aborting their kids despite knowing that their kids would have defects. What made me angry was the unfairness and difficulty these parents had to endure to give their children an education. For normal children, there is a subsidy on education whereas for children with special needs, there was no subsidy and their education costs much more than that for normal children. These parents are not very well-off and sometimes all the medical expenses constitute a large part of their expenses. It isn't easy to face the stares from strangers when they go out with their children and to care and give unconditional love to their children just because. The government mentions that no child would be deprived of an education but what does the long waiting list for special education schools tell us? There is a group of marginalised persons they have chosen to turn a blind eye to. They spend so much on education for normal children yet they neglect a group of children who need more help than the normal children. I guess sometimes life's like that: Born to be different and your treatment from others become different. And all that talk about a more caring and civilised society, Singapore won't be able to be one. If people can understand the woes about parents who have to look after special needs children, they wouldn't be so moronic to stare at these kids and make disapproving or stupid comments. What right do these people think that they are superior to people who are different? Seriously, I think they are pathetic as special needs persons show us a lot of lessons about life and happiness. We all coexist in this world so why can't we love one another and stop discrimination and ignorance? I can only see things getting worse as this society becomes more sophisticated but loses its heart in the process.

On Pointe @)~~

12:09 PM