There is no finishing line to perfection <33

Friday, October 06, 2006

~wierd pic yet funny at same time~

somehow i would like to think the stick figure on the right is a girl and the one who's doing that funny movement is a guy.. I guess he's trying to irritate her..

It's amazing how the media feeds into the insecurity of people and perpetuate false or inaccurate beliefs. The best part is how people don't mind and instead are willing to encourage this. I was reading this Life! feature on skinny size 0 stars and it led me to wonder what the purpose of publishing the weights of Hollywood stars was. Somehow at the back of my mind, I was thinking I guess I must be too heavy (56kg) as opposed to stars who are 48kg. If only I was as skinny as them. The whole article did sound judgmental (That it wasn't good to be skinny) but having a paper devoting two full length pages on skinny women seemed to be glamourising the phenomenon. That said I'm bought over, giving in to the pressure to be thin.

I do have a love-hate relationship with my body. Abusing it by starving or stuffing myself silly like a pig. That explains why my weight fluctuates like a yoyo ranging from 48kg to 57kg at any one time. At my lightest, I could see my collarbone and ribs sticking out yet I felt triumphant having made an achievement to be among the skinny girls. To be able to fit into an S size skirt or dress. I wasn't really happy then coz I knew how hard it was to stay there. Given my vulnerability in giving in to comfort (junk food) especially in times of stress or boredom, it wasn't long before I put on all that weight back again. It didn't matter that my bones and joints ached and creaked or I felt tired all the time when I was thinner: you have to pay the price to obtain something you desire isn't it?

In ballet class, the girls are more conscious of their bodies and we are always comparing how fat our bodies are and the diets we are on. I can see how my worth is inversely proportional to my weight. It seems like I have been obsessing over my weight since primary school. I know how abnormal it is to weigh yourself more than 5 times each day: in the morning when I wake up, after going to the toilet, after meals, before I sleep and how crazy it is to be on some kind of competition with your mother to see who can be lighter. FYI my mother is leading. She's at a featherlight 52kg. Ma has been saying of coz you put on weight since you never stop eating junk food and so much. I don't enjoy stuffing myself silly with food when I'm in my emotional lows and getting an upset stomach as a result yet I persist at doing so. My mind seems to play with my emotions all the time. I marvel yet recoil at the fact of anorexic girls having the most extreme form of self-control. I know I can never be bulimic. Throwing up isn't appealing to me at all or suffering from a puffy face isn't what I want. I've enough of my mooncake face.

Lately I have been been trying to tell myself to practise some self-control in my consumption of food but it hasn't been working. It isn't great having purple nails and pain from being too heavy on your toes while dancing. Furthermore, the ballet concert on Dec 12 and I don't think I look aesthetically pleasing now :( . I really want to be skinny in time for my birthday. To wear this gorgeous short black dress which is too small for my body now. I would sell my soul to the devil if I can be thin. If only...

On Pointe @)~~

10:01 AM