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Tuesday, December 05, 2006

~My fear~

Dozed off for 30 minutes in the morning today and I dreamt of something I'm fearful of. My darling admitted that he did something with another girl and I did not wait for him to finish speaking. I started bursting into tears and ran to my room's windows and looked down. I wanted to jump down and I hesitated for a moment when I saw how blurry everything looked to me. Whether it was the tears or fear from heights or fear of death I'm not sure. When I wanted to jump he rushed to pull me back. And then I awoke not knowing what happened after that. Who knows if I committed suicide in my dream, I may die in real life.

There's that part of me who is afraid of being abandoned or unloved again. Fearful of letting another person see her vulnerabilities and putting up barriers between herself and the one she loves. She's so disgusted and disappointed with betrayals she has become cold. She treats someone who has given her the best treatment with contempt and speaks with cruelty sometimes. Yet it is the only way she knows which will guarantee she'll never need to bear the pain of abandonment. Loving someone wholeheartedly exposes your vulnerabilities and gives them the opportunity to hurt you, how many more rounds can you take? Until you finally get sick with the whole process and just yield to death as an easy way out of this mess? If you have always been a naive person and your trust has been abused time and again, do you not learn from your mistakes?

On Pointe @)~~
4:14 AM