There is no finishing line to perfection <33

Friday, November 24, 2006

~The present is the only thing which matters isn't it?~

Received a letter from Wei Sheng which i didn't think he would write even though he got my address from Sui Feng some time back. It's been more than two years since the unhappy breakup. Feels as if my heart is bleeding and it won't stop. It's not coz I recall the memories where he cheated on me or how hurt I was then. Perhaps the conclusion that fate is really in control of my life was the factor that made me weep.

I remembered my ex Peter (the 4th bf) who has a prediction ability telling me last year that my ex would want to come back into my life again within one or two years and I replied that it isn't possible (my first ex has a gf, the 2nd contacted me on and off and we believe we are never fated to be together, the 3rd one I had lots of animosity towards him then and I hadn't heard from him and he's now in RTC). A day after my birthday this year Benny smsed me "Happy belated bday my dear mingi. urs barn." I replied him why did he always reply me so late? Maybe we really aren't fated to be together. He asked if we could meet a few days later but I said I had something on. I think he knows I'm probably attached again and he didn't reply even though I did not mention that I have a bf now. During the months from april to september when I was single, he did call me once and emailed me. In the phone call, he was giving me his hp no and it cut off by the third no. He didn't respond nor send me an sms to give me his new hp no. And I replied his email but he din respond either. Everytime I end a relationship I always had thoughts of going back to him. The fortune teller said he would be the guy whom I loved most in my life and he loves me too. But we'll not have a happy ending as we will breakup as I will initiate it. Heaven's will I suppose. And I hurt him too much by initiating it. Then, I wanted so much to be together with him and I made him promise me that he'll never let me go if I ever suggest a breakup. I told him I wanted to go against heaven's will. If it's fated we'll never be together, we will still be together no matter what happens. But a human can never win against the wishes of heaven. Unfortunately, promises made in relationships tend not be fulfilled. He did try to dissuade me on the doomed day and even after seeing him sob loudly did not make me change my decision. After the breakup he did sms me for a meeting to patch but I had changed my hp no and I didn't see the messages. However, he had my home no and he never called. I gave up on us as he told me that he could never give me the future that I seek. Basically, all I wanted was that we could get married and lead our lives together, but if he could tell me that, what was the point of being together if he never harboured any intention of marrying me in the 3 yr plus we were together? Plus circumstances had a part to play in our relationship as we faced a lot of opposition from our parents and many other obstacles. And everytime he decides to respond, I would be attached to someone else. The funny thing is I could still sense his love for me in the last phone conversation. And I regret that I didn't have enough faith and perserverance to be with him then. I know he loves me too much that he bears the pain of knowing that I would always be with someone else. If only we had more courage to continue, maybe I wouldn't need to go through so many relationships which seem to make my life more pointless and accumulating more hurt and pain in my experiences which shape my pessimistic personality today. I felt as if I had let him down. And that I wished I had never even been with him when I knew from the first day we met that we'll never last. Love isn't enough to keep people together in a relationship. Perhaps we both wouldn't be tormenting ourselves over things that happened in our lives thereafter.

Weisheng was the first guy whom I thought maybe we could have a future together. Unfortunately, my overbearing personality made him felt as if he was losing his freedom. He chose to retailiate by cheating and I took it badly. He's the first guy who broke my heart and it was the beginning of my self-destructive behavior as I allowed my feelings to overwhelm me everytime a relationship ended. I can't blame anyone but myself. I let my own perceptions blind me. I tend to misinterpret actions and when his letter mentioned that he knew I only let actions speak for itself and not words, I know how silly I've always been. I only see the superficiality or surface of situations and I never see what goes on beneath. At that time when he cheated on me I thought he lost all feelings for me that's why he cheated and I didn't see why he did it. His actions seemed as if he didn't love me anymore especially his icy cold attitude towards me. However, I didn't take into account that he apologised many times that he let me down as a clue to what was going on. He never asked me to wait for him when he went into RTC and I did think had he done that maybe I would be silly enough to do so. Plus he was with Sui Feng then, how could I know if he still loves me? Seeing him write wishing me happy birthday, loving you, lao gong and lao po together, and missing me, did he know that we are impossible now? Ma was saying maybe my exes see me as some spare tyre and I'm not sure how true that is. Is this the case?

Weisheng asked if I would forgive him for the mistakes he had done and asked if I still hate him. He talked about the fish I gave him two years plus back and it's amazing it's still alive. The fish is still around even though I concluded that it was going to die as it had some parasitic infection. It really is resilient. It's funny he still remembers about my love for Qoo. He has a big Qoo cushion which I gave him and I have one myself. He's working inside and he asked if he should take the O levels next year. I think he should know that I always encouraged him to concentrate on his studies. His letter was really long and lengthy and he wrote really small because RTC had this envelop cum paper which limited the space you can write on and he had so much to say. But I'm comforted he's more mature and knows how to think for himself now. I don't know about the repayment for what I had done for him part which he wants to make up to me when he's out of RTC. Take it that I owe him in my past life and that when we were together, I was prepared to do anything for him. About the part where he wish I was happy, he can't be more wrong. I'm sorry I always give him that shit attitude coz of my PMS. The past, if only I can wipe the memories off my mind, maybe only then I will be happier.

I do think of my exes sometimes and how they are doing. Whether they are doing fine and getting on well. Maybe coz the memories always link me to them. And I do ask myself whether going through all those relationships meant that actually I never truly loved at all. Maybe all I ever wanted was for someone to love me when I don't even love myself. I need that assurance that someone will always be there for me no matter what happens, but maybe this is just my own wishful thinking. Wrong timing always works against love. Even though in every relationship, I put in all my heart and soul, just that when things don't work out, it seemed as if it was an unnecessary journey made. With each experience, I can feel my personality harden and getting more jaded and cynical of love. I never knew love can be such a troublesome thing nor how difficult it was to love without having your affections returned till so much has happened. And I'm afraid that I may never get to experience the happy ever after ending that I yearned for as a little girl and all my hopes will be dashed. I've never been a particularly giving person as I never really liked to communicate with people. Except only my best friends or people who are truly important to me I would share what I have. But sharing your life with someone else is a different matter.

For someone who truly loves me I'm sorry I can never give you the 100% of love that I have, but I'm willing to give you my full commitment and loyalty. I will never do anything to let you down nor make you shed a tear again. If I ever get into an accident, I do wish I can forget the past so I can love you fully. I guess being so emotional and intense has a price to pay. I know you treat me really well and I'm guilty that I'm treating you like your ex. You don't deserve it. I don't know why I have become like this when I know that's not my true personality. I did think that this was the only way for you to give up on me on your own accord so I can be alone as I don't deserve to have anything good to happen in my life. I'm not as good as you think I am nor am I sane and normal to give anyone happiness. But if you still insist on wanting to continue this relationship with me, I'll try my best to block those memories of past loves who shouldn't be in my life anymore. That's the only thing I can do to not disappoint you nor let you down to repay the kindness and love you've showered on me. It's the only way I can express my gratitude to you for the good things which have happened in my life even though I know that when I'm not happy it is beyond your control as this is my own problem. I love you darling and I'm sorry for making you sad. Please forgive me.

On Pointe @)~~

10:00 PM