There is no finishing line to perfection <33

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

~Thoughts just thoughts~

Addy called me a few days ago to talk and since helping out at her wedding, it had been a long time which is almost 5 mths. Funny thing is no matter how long we take to catch up with each other, we never have one of those awkward moments of silence over the phone. We just continue where we've left off. Maybe we are not as close as last time, with her settled down and me still messed up as always. It seemed as if whatever expectations which people have of both of us are reversed in reality. Addy being deemed the Ah Lian sort from her appearance while I was supposed to be the goody two shoes but the truth cannot be more different. We thought she would be the one who would have a string of boyfriends while I would be stuck with a long-term one. She was always the one who attracted the guys like bees to a flower while I was contented being the supportive sidekick as she wowed me with accounts of the guys who were pursuing her.

I did wonder: How nice would it be to have many choices to pick from? at that time. But now I realise that things are not as simple as it seems. I finally understood how she felt: Not being sure of whether the guys' affections are solely based on the outer appearance or whether they are truly interested in who you are. The former would be short-lived: Once the novelty wears off and familiarity sets in, it doesn't matter how well you present yourself outwardly, their affections fade with time as you no longer capture their attention in the visual sense. On the other hand, the latter guarantees a slightly longer lifespan but when they see the side of you which they never expect, it isn't easy for them to accept the sudden truth of realisation.

Perhaps people are such strange creatures: They hanker after things which are difficult to obtain. It poses a challenge to them. Giving all your affection to another person does not mean that the person will return your devotion in kind. You will be lucky if you don't get hurt for people tend to take things for granted. Does it mean that throwing your entire being into a love relationship will result in a happily ever ending? No. You'll probably experience a partner who is not as enthusiastic as you are, who doesn't have the same level of emotionality as you do. Maybe that explains why for them it is easier to let go or forget because there is a "there will always be someone else out there" mentality. True, why do persons who have a nothing or all attitude seem to have it worse than the person who don't really care? Is it unfair? Yes, it is unfair but the world has never been fair in the first place.

Loving too much is called stupid by people today. Maybe they see strings of relationships as easily obtainable and commitment has become much feared. Does putting in all your utmost effort into a relationship mean your partner will treasure you more? Unfortunately, it isn't the case. It doesn't mean that 100% input will yield a 100% output. Very often, the extra effort is buried somewhere to be forgotten by the other party. We tend to treat the persons who care or us most with a bad attitude, for instance, our family members who'll always be there for us. Whereas we feel compelled to treat persons who have a don't care attitude towards us well. It's as if we do it to win their affections and there is some kind of sadistic satisfaction when they respond even a little. Yet when they still maintain that icy attitude, we antagonise ourselves by obsessing over what we had done wrong. Is it a mistake of falling in love with the wrong kinds of people? Can it be helped? Maybe we can help ourselves by letting go of persons who are unworthy of our love. If we can perceive injustice in the way they treat us, why should we still give them the power to hurt us when they are no longer connected to us in physical distance?

Addy says there are two kinds of love the sizzling hot, chemistry type and the dull, uneventful, peaceful type. The first type has lots of highs and lows. Quarreling followed by intense passionate kiss and make up. The second type is just a constant all the way. No quarreling just puer peaceful love. The first type seems much more exciting than the second. Experiencing the intensity of emotions at the highs and lows compared to a dull monotonous love feels more real in sense. To be moved in such a big manner, it must be you are madly in love we think. But Addy chooses the second. She says that she'd rather come home to a warm inviting home after a shitty day at work than to face a round of quarelling with the other half. Perhaps the happily ever after love belongs to the seond type: We don't hear of the couples arguing over issues. However it seems that most of us would choose the sizzling passionate affair instead. Heart over mind? The heart almost always certainly truimphs over the mind each and every time for persons who are deeply emotional. Maybe we need to step back and think rationally about love so that we'll never experience hurt or pain.

Darling, I think my madness has rubbed off you or something. How long do you know me to really understand me? I really don't wanna put you through this pain but I have yet to resolve my own emotional baggage issues. You don't have to put up with this at all. I'm not trying to test your limits and it isn't fair to drag you into the black hole with me. Maybe I'm fated to go through my life all alone not to experience a true love. I have thoughts of abandoning everyone I know and be this reclusive creature that no one can understand nor get close to me. I've actually started on it by cutting off contact slowly with the people I know. I know I'm getting impossibly hard to fathom, I don't know what my next move will be. This is not your typical mood swing in case you are wondering. True when i saw your message on my tagboard, my tears couldn't be controlled. I don't even know why I cry anymore nor can I explain the stabbing ache in my heart. By being alone, I do not need to feel any attachment towards any persons and maybe I won't be sad anymore. Since I can't be happy, at least I'll try to stop the unhappiness which stems from relationships with anyone, be it my parents, friends or you. I just want to stop loving anyone so my life will be easier to lead for myself. I'm selfish I admit. I no longer have the capacity to love anymore. I can't go through that process. I don't want to.

On Pointe @)~~

3:16 AM