~What is love?~
Review of the week 4 Dec-10 Dec
Mon 4 Dec
Caught Saw III with Desmond. Sheela was supposed to be going with me but alas, the girl was catching up on lost sleep. Basically Saw III was losing its shock value and the myriad ways to torture someone to death has become boring as hell. Thank god there isn't going to be Saw IV. Saw III seemed to be a featurette on the making of Saw I and II in certain parts but it addressed the curiosity of some people on how Jigsaw organised his hideous and sickenly psychotic "tests".
Tue 5 Dec
Ended up doing my Ethics reflective paper of 550 words the whole morning and afternoon (a last minute thing again) to be submitted that night. Found out that Jaya didn't want to continue the Honours year. Was kind of sad as he was the one who encouraged me to do the Honours year together with Dawne and Hansel. He was competent in assignments but if he did not think he could continue with this year, what chance would I have to think that I would be able to do it?
Wed 6 Dec
Went for Advanced Research Methods class and was miffed that I hadn't gotten my supervisor yet after enquiring about this matter from Kylie. Unlucky me was the only one who did not get her top choices for the supervisors as all of them were fully booked for supervisory work. Fuck the school and the bloody admin! And I got my 6th choice which was Kerry Anne. I put her so low on my list as I did not want to get her after getting this email from her in response to my late submission of my assignment last term for Health Psychology.
Given that you did not ask for an extension prior to the due date and have not produced a MC for the extra time taken to submit I do have to deduct the relevant late fees - 16 days will apply hence a penalty of 28 marks. Had you come earlier to talk about the situation I could have issued an extension - these rules have always been made clear to students.Sorry but my hands are now tied.
She probably hates me. It was my fault for submitting my work late and this email did little to alleviate the feelings of impending failure as I went on to submit late work for the business modules. I'm the sort of person who gives up immediately when I think I'm going to fail. And I thought I can forget about graduating from this course because of a stupid elective.
Thu 7 Dec
Finally got to see my darling at his home today after 10 days of not seeing each other. Yet I spent 3 hours plus on sleeping as I had very little sleep. Went with Ma earlier on to get her Nokia 6233 and she was pleased that she did not have to pay a single cent even though she changed service providers. In addition, this is my Ma's first advanced mobile phone. 3G with a camera. Coz Ma made a remark that she did not have a new mobile phone when Pa got me one 2 months back, I been looking through the Saturday's papers for phone offers each week so Ma isn't left out.
Anyway, Darling roused me from my sleep to have dinner with his family as they wanted to celebrate his Pa's birthday which was the next day. He shared the entire cost with his Ma. We walked some way to the coffeeshop to have zi char for around 15-20 min and darling was complaining all the way :P as he didn't have the mood to do. We had 5 dishes with rice which were cereal chicken, steamed fish, egg tofu, some yong tau fu thingie and sambal veggie with sotong. Basically, this ruined my plans for a diet as it was not possible to refuse eating in this kind of situation.
Fri 8 Dec
Met up with Kevin for dinner as we hadn't met for some time even though we both work and study in the same building. We had dinner at The Village place or something at the Heeren. I ordered a caramel banana crepe with Mango and passionfruit ice cream and mango pudding while Kevin had baked rice. The ice cream was terribly sour and I couldn't stomach it after 4 bites. I finished less than half of my crepe and bananas as I was rather full. Kevin still is an interesting person to talk to as he was much older than I am and could share his exxperiences with me. Towards the end of the night we talked about love (the age old topic) and it sort of made me more disillusioned that love isn't the big thing in anyone's life at all which I drew as a conclusion to our conversation. Pur-lease, dying for love is dumb now. It's relegated to just another part of our busy lives and there are other things such as friends, family, career or study to worry or care about. If I could, I don't mind spending all my time with my loved one doing stuff such as walking by the beach, travelling and just enjoying each other's company but the practicalities of life do not permit this. We still need money to survive.
The X'mas tree outside Heeren
Met Desmond for a movie The Last Kiss after dinner with Kevin. He was late as he came from Zouk and he had to settle some messy love affair which his guy friend had gotten into. His friend was dating two girls at one time and one of them found out about it. He was a mediator to the girl who found out and his friend. His whole face was red as he had consumed some alcohol. He got me a T-shirt as a belated birthday present with the words "Treat Me like an angel and I will be your devil". We had some food at the Chicago Steakhouse where he had drunken Fish and chips while I had French onion soup with garlic bread. His food was delicious while my soup was too salty. We hung around for quite some time as our movie was at 2am.
The Last Kiss was about a 29 year old guy,Michael who had the perfect life which he had planned out. Great career as an architect, gorgeous live-in girlfriend Jenna who was 10 weeks pregnant and fun friends. Till he met a college student Kim who caught his eye at a cousin's wedding. He did not anticipate this and his love for his girlfriend was put to the test. He was commitment-phobic and worried that he would lead a predictable life after settling down. Anyway, there is a scene which was rather heartbreaking whereby Michael's friend who could not get over his ex girlfriend dashed in her home where she had just finished having sex with her new boyfriend. Before that at the wedding, he had made such a scene at the wedding and he just couldn't forget and let go of her even though she had chosen to put him out of her life. The guy said, "Tell me that you don't love me anymore." She said exactly that to which he replied, "No matter what, I will always love you." With that, he punched her bf in the face before leaving the house dejectedly. What more could he do if the person he loved no long bear the same feelings as he did?
There will always be a party who is not as into the relationship compared to the other. And most of the time, it isn't that girls are the ones who seem to have it easier. It does not mean that getting a new bf after a failed relationship meant that her life would get better. Actions do speak louder than words. Sometimes one does a lot of things he does not want to even if he is reluctant to do so just so he wants so much to move on and start a brand new life. Well, Michael chose to lie about meeting Kim and Jenna found out about it. He had shared a kiss with Kim but he withdrew upon thinking about how wrong it was to pursue a new relationship and that the person he really loved was Jenna. However, Jenna would not listen to his explanation and he chose to meet Kim up at her hostel that very night and ended up sleeping with her.
When Michael managed to get back with Jenna, he told her the truth when she asked if he slept with her. Then she was so upset that she told him their relationship was over. Eventually, Michael's perserverence in getting her back by camping outside her home's doorstop paid off and it was happily ever after.
After the movie, Desmond and I had a walk from Cineleisure to the Istana Park where there were too many mosquitoes and we moved to Kopitiam at the Plaza instead. Had breakfast before I went over to Pasir Ris interchange to meet Keng Chong at 720 am before he left for Tekong.
The Christmas Tree outside The Cathay along the way
Sat 9 Dec
Met Keng Chong's friend Dawn (14 years old) and we ended up spending time together after sending Keng Chong off. A bit drama la, hugging Keng Chong and asking him to call me when he's free. Dawn is a bubbly mature girl who is way beyond her years. She is more mature than some 18 years old people I know. We hung around till 11 plus chatting away like old friends. I'm her senior as we both studied in the same primary school. I ended up cancelling my appointment with Floyd for a movie and Andy's appointment to meet up. Spent the entire day sleeping till 9+ pm. Checked my results and I got a HD for Health Psychology which was shocking as I thought i was going to fail since Kerry Anne spoke of deducting 28% and I thought I did badly for the exam. Could there be a mistake? Even if there was a mistake, God please leave the grade as it is.
Sun 10 Dec
Met Floyd up to watch The Page Turner a French movie at The Cathay and the poor guy ended up sleeping in the theatre. Gee, that was why I asked him what movie he wanted to catch before I decided on this movie. Arthouse movies aren'treally everyone's cup of tea. The movie was a little slow in unraveling but it was enjoyable though. We thought of having some food after the movie and meeting up with Desmond. However, after getting into a jam while looking for a carpark which wasn't full at Orchard, Floyd dropped me off at Cineleisure and ended up going home to sleep leaving me with Desmond to settle our own dinner.
Had some food at the foodcourt and we booked a chamber room for 2 hours at the 9th floor to watch this Korean movie called My Girl and I. I was joking that since we both were so sleepy we needn't have rented the DVD and should have just rented the room to sleep. Anyway, it was a complete loss of privacy as the left side of the room was see through in addition to the back of the room. Looks like an aquarium where the goldfish were Desmond and I. Darling called during the show and I was crying. He was kinda shocked. Although the show was a formulaic movie with the girl having leukemia and dying (as usual, actually leukamia is quitre rare in older children) and the guy having to cope with the loss. Yes and not to forget they were both high school students. If the person I loved left me alone in this world, I can't imagine myself living either. I think dealing with impending death is difficult but living on after your partner dies in front of your eyes is worse. Had Yoshinoya before getting home, exhausted.
It's so easy to get into a relationship. Both parties are willing to make an effort to pursue a life with each other in it. The guy doing all sorts of things such as showering the girl with more attention and vice versa, spending lotsa time together, relating your life stories to each other and trying to impress each other. The flaws are not apparent and the guy and girl are basically seen as gods and goddesses who can do no wrong. Otherwise, you gloss over the weaknesses and focus on what you wanna see.
With time, both start to drift apart. It doesn't help that other commitments start to come into play. Seeing each other much lesser, it won't help even if there are still smses and calls. Learning to cope without you by distancing myself from you, I don't mean to do it this way but inevitably it still happens. I should try to be more understanding, I should be more mature. I know how childish I am to be like a kid who wishes and demands to have more of your time. I still love you but why am I so tempted to pursue something else? Hoping to get that attention and love from someone else who will give me this where you can't. It isn't easy hearing, "Sorry dear I can't spend much time with you" when I perceive little effort to prioritise on your part and trying to convince myself that I still mean that much to you. I've not complained nor stop you from going out with your friends or being involved in other activities and I know you have just finished your exams. You know this too. Is money really that important that you have to spend more time to work? I feel as if I don't have a boyfriend even when I have one. Maybe Kevin was right: We shouldn't settle down quickly and instead should meet more people so there wouldn't come a time when we realise that we connect better with another person emotionally and start wondering how much love we have. Or maybe I should just forget all the goddamn thing about love and lead my life alone instead of worrying needlessly about it all the time. Maybe I'm so needy and clingy that once a week to meet up seems as I'm having a part-time bf arrangement. An extra day a week would be just nice but it seems difficult. Being able to stay home alone for days on end doesn't mean I don't experience feelings of loneliness. It just means I'm trying to cope with being alone. That's all. Not saying out how I feel sometimes doesn't mean I don't wanna share. It just means that I've been trying to consider your feelings and look at matters in your perspective and I don't wanna you to feel compelled to make choices that you don't want. I don't wanna hurt you anymore especially how insecure I was not long ago that I have done that countless times. Every tear you have shed have made my heart ached and doesn't that mean how important you are to me? That is why I promised not to do those stupid things anymore. I don't wanna treat you in the same way I was treated in the past as it isn't fair to you and you don't deserve it. I know how pointless it is to say sorry after hurting someone when you can prevent the hurt from happening in the first place. I'm trying. But do you see it?
