There is no finishing line to perfection <33

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

~The Love of My Life~

Thu-Finally got my brown ribbon knee high boots.

Fri-Went to school for a compulsory enrolment activity. Irritating to waste a trip down to tick two boxes and check my personal particulars. What the f!

Sat-Watched Unseeable, a Thai movie with darling. The review for this movie is "unseeable". Sometimes, just by looking at the title and you will know whether the movie is worth watching. Finally saw my darling after a long week. And he has thinned down from working too hard. Makes me wanna cry.

Sun-Woke up at 6 am to get prepared for my 1st ballet class at 930 am at Bedok CC. Alas, after waiting for half an hour and chatting with a 15-year-old girl who was taking the Grade 7 exams, I realised that class was postponed to 130pm. By 11am, I was extremely sleepy and fatigued (from 4+ hrs of zzz) and I was on the bus home to take a short break before Ma drove me to class seeing the exhaustion. I felt guilty for letting Ma and her friend wait for an hour and rushing from grocery shopping when class ended at 4pm.

This class really pushed me to the limits. Miss Ang was strict and the fact that there was only 1 2 girls, Carine (doing Advanced 1, the girl whom I did the ballet exam with) and Jamie (Seems like girls whose names start with J tend to be better dancers, in Advanced 2) made me stand out like a sore thumb. This was my first time doing the steps in the syllabus and the music was much more challenging to dance to.You really have to concentrate to catch the subtle nuances in the music which indicated a change of beat and the different type of emphasis on a step and yours truly being tone deaf was always too slow for the music.

Throughout the entire session, this was what Miss Ang said of my dancing and I accept that all comments are true. "There's no head.", "no dance quality", "very bad technique", "weak footwork", "wrong emphasis for the steps", "It's a joke to know you've danced fo 9 years as it isn't reflected in your dancing" and "I'm not going to put you through the exam like that". True, the comments stung but I knew I hadn't put in as much effort as I should after the Grade exams 3 years ago. The only good remark I had was, "a better back bend compared to Carine" (which was negated by "Too bad you don't use it" :P) to which I found amusement in Carine insisting that coz her waist was very short and Miss Ang replying that everyone has a waistline.

I know I should push myself harder. Coz even if you dance well, there's no finishing line to perfection especially when you are doing a classical dance which is physically and aesthetically demanding. I know I wasn't the same girl who used to dance at home with crazy jumps and practising all the dance steps religiously. I know how my passion has waned and people would tell me what's the point of continuing to dance if you don't have the interest or passion anymore. Somewhere inside me I know it's a temporary setback but how can it be temporary if this has been going on for the past 3 years+? Particularly the bad experiences I had with Miss Teo when I was supposed to have taken my Intermediate exam in April 2004, they still come back to haunt me. I'm not good enough. My pointework can't make it. I'm just not cut out to be a dancer. Taking a month break undid everything. My double pirouettes went back to the stage it was 5 years ago: No spotting, bent supporting leg, tense shoulders. Jumps wasn't as high as it should be. Flexibility went back to zero.

That's still not an excuse for adopting a heck-care attitude. Learning under a gentler and more positive teacher, I made excuses for skipping class. I no longer aimed for 100% attendance nor felt I could do well. I was intimidated by the girls whom I felt were much better than I am and thought that no matter how hard I tried I would never be anywhere near them. I no longer pushed myself as I did doing 4-5 classes in 2004 where I had perpetual muscle aches from exerting myself too hard and it hardly recovered as the next class would come around before it did.

I did think of giving up on ballet for good during the 3 month break till last month but I found myself missing it when I would make feeble attempts to do a step or two. My affinity with dance began when my mother made a remark that I would always did things halfway. It wasn't just ballet. It was something to prove to my parents that I could finally have a commitment to learning something. My relationship with ballet is the same as a boy-girl relationship. It is a commitment. How can I just dump it aside just because it doesn't give the same rush as the beginning? It all lies on my own efforts to revive that passion. If I do nothing about the indifferent feeling, I would never be happy with it. Probably I still hang on to ballet for dear life coz it defined my life at a time when I was lost and aimless. It was the only thing in my life which could brighten my day yet at the same time it can bring my world crashing. It was the only constant as my life went through ups and downs throughout my adolescent years. Coz no matter how bad things got, I know I could rely on it to lift my spirits (Dance being a dead thing is much more reliable than a human in a relationship). I'm trying to make my love come back to me by immersing myself in doing more classes.

I'm hopeful that having more individualized attention under Miss Ang would improve my dance technique and spur me to work harder. I will be getting the syllabus book to make a photocopy from her either tomorrow or Fri so that I can memorise the steps and practise them. I will need to stretch everyday to improve my flexibility and extensions. Ijust need to get focused and not be distracted by school, negative thoughts or anything else. It's my goal to be able to do the exam next September and to pass it well. Nobody can force me to do anything and it's my choice in making decisions which affect me personally. I need to practise more responsibility in my life and isn't this a good opportunity to do so? To be more disciplined. To reach for the skies and beyond.

Mon-Day of zzzing

Tue-Last Ethics class. Seems like the exam wouldn't be as intimidating as I thought from Dr Lim's tips. So long as I remember these 6 fuindamental principles: Honesty, Openess, Goodwill, Prudence, Dignity and Equitibility and extend my arguments in the 4 case studies.

Today-Thought of expressing my gratitude to this wonderful and amazing person in my life who is obviously my darling :P. Throughout these 5 months we are together, I apologise for the trying times I've put you through with my insecurities, fears and anxieties. I've learnt that you are the only person in addition to my parents and best friends who'll be there for me regardless of what happens. You are special to me coz you are the only guy I want to marry. Do you know how I have made you the benchmark for measuring guys and you are always the best and nobody comes close? I do not think it's love which has blinded me from making such a judgment.

I know how hard it is to accept someone with their flaws and all. You have never passed judgment on nor criticised my failings or character problems. I know how wilful, ah lian, stubborn and lazy (Just to name a few) I am but you will never shoot me down for being who I am. Instead you will always gently remind me that I can as good as I want to be. When I face any problems, you will always be optimistic that I will be able to overcome them and give me encouragement to soldier on. You embrace my bad points and all that is why I'm certain we are in for a long haul in our lives together. Because when people marry or even in relationships, things start to fall apart when they realise that they see differences in each other that they can't tolerate. As you are as idealistic as I am about commitment, even when the passion is gone we still have the attachment and fundamental love underneath to support our relationship. I know that we will both change in the future but I'm sure our love for each other will not though we will face some trying times such as when you are going for NS or when I'm starting work.

Of coz I acknowledge you are imperfect too as all humans are. Sometimes I think you are too caring (Gee) that's why I deem your reminders as "nagging". But you are merely reminding me of things I would have forgotten as I'm absent-minded. If you weren't concerned about me, you don't have to waste your time and effort on me. I no longer make stupid demands about letting this relationship end as we've passed the 3 month mark where normally guys and gals show their true colors (as I call it). Your care and love has not lessened (in fact, it's increasing) and your treatment towards me has not changed into one of indifference as what most guys will do (in 1 mth or less). I can see and feel with my heart that you are sincere and true. I can't ask for more in a guy who would be prepared to give up everything for me because he loves me and shows it. I know how promises are easily broken yet I'm confident that you'll be the only one who makes them and keep his word.

I know I haven't been a perfect girlfriend to you but I'll try my best to do the best that I can. I want nothing more than having a life with you. And I know how mushy we can be always talking about the children we will have when we get married. You know something? In my eyes you are always the dream guy in every girl's dream and I'm fortunate to be your girl. I know how fragile relationships can be in today's times but let us be testament that good old-fashioned love still exists in this world. People will give up at the slightest obstacle but we won't as we are romantics at heart. Till death do us part? I don't think so. I wanna be with you even after death and in my next life (and the next and next...) if reincarnation does exist. I will never stop loving you. And I hope I can see the day when you will be the last guy in my life. Just as my mother say the day I'm getting married is the day she is convinced my boyfriend is truly the One. Darling, thank you for all the wonderful times and sticking with me through thick and thin. I look forward to future memories created together and may the bond between us never break. An early Happy Valentine's Day to you! ")

On Pointe @)~~

3:54 PM