There is no finishing line to perfection <33

Thursday, March 29, 2007

~Love addiction~

Sometimes we are so in love with the concept of love itself that we fail to love the one we are supposed to be in love with. We project our fantasies on someone hoping he/she will rescue us from the cruel hard world we are living in yet very often he/she cannot do so as our love is selfish to begin with.

The different love addicts (Perhaps you can identify yourself in one of the maladaptive patterns here, isn't it time to change and be a better person so that your true love will find you?)

Obsessed Love Addicts: OLAs cannot let go of someone they love, even if their partner is:
Unavailable emotionally or sexually
Afraid to commit
Unable to communicate
Unloving
Distant
Abusive
Controlling and dictatorial
Ego-centric
Selfish
Addicted to something outside the relationship (hobbies, drugs, alcohol, sex, someone else, gambling, shopping etc.)

Codependent Love Addicts: CLAs are the most widely recognized. They fit a pretty standard profile. Most of them suffer from low self-esteem and have a certain predictable way of thinking, feeling and behaving. This means that from a place of insecurity and low self-esteem, they try desperately to hold on to the people they are addicted to using codependent behavior. This includes enabling, rescuing, caretaking, passive-aggressive controlling, and accepting neglect or abuse. In general, CLAs will do anything to “take care” of their partners in the hope that they will not leave—or that someday they will reciprocate.

Relationship Addicts: RAs, unlike other love addicts, are no longer in love with their partners but still cannot let go. Usually, they are so unhappy that the relationship affects their health, spirit and emotional well being. Even if their partner batters them, and they are in danger, they cannot let go. They are afraid of being alone. They are afraid of change. They do not want to hurt or abandon their partners. This can be summed up as “I hate you don’t leave me.”

Narcissistic Love Addicts: NLAs use dominance, seduction and withholding to control their partners. Unlike codependents, who accept a lot of discomfort, narcissists won’t put up with anything that interferes with their happiness. They are self-absorbed and their low self-esteem is masked by their grandiosity. Furthermore, rather than seeming to obsess about the relationship, NLAs appear aloof and unconcerned. They do not appear to be addicted at all. Rarely do you even know that NLAs are hooked until you try to leave them. Then they will no longer be aloof and uncaring. They will panic and use anything at their disposal to hold on to the relationship—including violence. Many professionals have rejected the idea that narcissists can be love addicts. This may be because they rarely come in for treatment. However, if you have ever seen how some narcissists react to perceived or real abandonment, you will see that they are indeed “hooked.”

Ambivalent Love Addicts: ALAs suffer from avoidant personality disorder. They don’t have a hard time letting go, they have a hard time moving forward. They desperately crave love, but at the same time they are terrified of intimacy. This combination is agonizing. ALAs also come in different forms, listed below.

Torch Bearers are ALAs who obsess about someone who is unavailable. This can be done without acting out (suffering in silence) or by pursuing the person they are in love with. Some Torch Bearers are more addicted than others. This kind of addiction feeds on fantasies and illusions. It is also known as unrequited love.

Saboteurs are ALAs who destroy relationships when they start to get serious or at whatever point their fear of intimacy comes up. This can be anytime—before the first date, after the first date, after sex, after the subject of commitment comes up—whenever.

Seductive Withholders are ALAs who always come on to you when they want sex or companionship. When they become frightened, or feel unsafe, they begin withholding companionship, sex, affection—anything that makes them feel anxious. If they leave the relationship when they become frightened, they are just Saboteurs. If they keep repeating the pattern of being available/unavailable, they are seductive withholders.

Romance Addicts are ALAs who are addicted to multiple partners. Romance addicts are often confused with sex addicts. However, unlike sex addicts, who are trying to avoid bonding altogether, romance addicts bond with each of their partners—to one degree or another— even if the romantic liaisons are short-lived or happening simultaneously. By “romance” I mean sexual passion and pseudo-emotional intimacy. Please note that while romance addicts bond with each of their partners to a degree, their goal (besides getting high off of romance and drama) is to avoid commitment or bonding on a deeper level with one partner.

A Note about ALAs: Not all avoidants are love addicts. If you accept your fear of intimacy and social situations, and do not get hooked on unavailable people, or just keep your social circle small and unthreatening you are not necessarily an ALA. But if you eat your heart out over some unavailable person year after year, or sabotage one relationship after another, or have serial romantic affairs, or only feel close when you are with another avoidant, you may be an Ambivalent Love Addict.

Combinations: You may find that you have more than one type of love addiction. Many of these types overlap and combine with other behavioral problems. For instance, you may be a codependent, alcoholic love addict. Or a love/relationship addict. The important thing is to identify your own personal profile so you know what you are dealing with.

For instance, Robert was a love addict, relationship addict, romance addict and sex addict. He was married but did not want to divorce his wife of twenty years even though he was not in love with her (relationship addiction) His hobby was masturbating to pornography when his wife was not home (sex addiction). He had affairs with several other women simultaneously without his wife finding out. He really cared about each of these women (romance addict). One day he met Jennifer and fell in love with her. It did not take long before he was obsessed with her. She did not want to be with him because he was married, so he began stalking and harassing her (love addict). Robert finally got into recovery, divorced his wife, gave up the pornography and affairs and married the woman he was obsessed with. At first his jealousy was out of control, but after a few years of therapy and 12-Step meetings he began to trust his new wife. Because she was mature, well-grounded and had high self esteem, the relationship began to normalize. Today, all of Robert’s addictions are in remission.

Narcissists and Codependents: It is very common for love addicts to end up in relationships with other love addicts. The most common kind of love-addicted couple is, as you might have guessed, the codependent and the narcissist. In the beginning, narcissists are often seductive. After they have hooked their codependent partners, however, they change.

Here is an example of a narcissist-codependent relationship.Nancy and James met at a bar and were instantly attracted to one another. Within days, Nancy (the codependent) had fallen madly in love with James (the narcissist). From the beginning, she was helpful, nurturing, attentive and went out of her way to make him happy. James, on the other hand, appeared to be able to take or leave the relationship after they made love. He canceled dates, neglected to return phone calls, saw other women, became very domineering and for the most part seemed aloof and detached. Still, six months later, Nancy married James because she was in love with him and secretly hoped that he would change.After Nancy and James were married, the pattern of neglect continued—especially his affairs with other women. When Nancy objected, James bullied her until she stopped nagging him about it. This went on for years. Nancy tried to save her marriage by placating James in every way she could think of, but he continued to do what he wanted. Eventually, Nancy stopped loving James and thought about leaving him, but she just couldn't bring herself to face the loneliness of being single again. This was better than nothing she thought. So she continued her codependent behavior, always trying to keep James happy and comfortable even if it meant sacrificing her own happiness in the process. Eventually, Nancy sought counseling and within a year she felt strong enough to leave James. He had other ideas. The first time Nancy brought up the subject of divorce he laughed at her. Then he threatened her verbally. The day she presented him with divorce papers, he beat her so badly she had to go to the hospital. It seems that despite his lack of love and respect for Nancy, James was addicted to her and the relationship they shared. He also felt that if he couldn't have her, nobody else could. Eventually, Nancy got away from James even though he stalked her for months—threatening to kill her if she didn't come back. Thankfully, he eventually let go. However, you have only to read the newspapers to realize that such a volatile combination of codependency and narcissism can lead to homicide.

Switch-hitting: Many love addicts switch-hit because they have more than one underlying personality disorder. For instance, a relationship addict may play the role of a codependent for years, then finally get out of the relationship and fall in love with someone who is unavailable. Suddenly, our relationship addict is an obsessed love addict or a torchbearer. Even narcissists switch-hit, believe it or not. For years they can be in one relationship after another, playing the role of the dominant, uncaring partner. However, if they ever fall hard, they can easily turn into a torchbearer or obsessed love addict. If they fall in love with another narcissist then they have no choice but to become the codependent love addict in the relationship because the narcissist will not stand for anything else. Even ambivalent love addicts will start obsessing instead of running away when they are addicted.Love addicts switch-hit because of separation anxiety. If another form of behavior is necessary to placate a partner and to hold on the him or her, the love addict will adopt that behavior. Is it an act? Sometimes . . . but if the love addict has weak personality boundaries, they may actually become the other person while under the spell of the addiction. The point here is not to identify all the kinds of switch-hitting going on, or even to explain it, but to point it out and learn from it.

Conclusion
The Importance of All This: If all this seems complicated, it is. And, to be honest, the only reason it is important is because it makes a difference when it comes to treatment. Codependent love addicts, for instance, need a boost in self-esteem and self-acceptance. They must learn to think better of themselves. Narcissistic love addicts, on the other hand, use grandiosity to bolster their low self-esteem and need to come down to earth. They need to learn some humility and how to become unselfish. Ambivalent Love Addicts need to find a healthy relationship and stay engaged in it even when their fear threatens to overwhelm them.

40 Questions To Help You Determine If You Are a Love Addict
If you can answer yes to more than a few of the following questions, you are probably a love
addict. Remember that love addiction comes in many forms, so even if you don’t answer yes to
all of the questions you may still be a love addict.

yes no
1. ___ ___ You are very needy when it comes to relationships.
2. ___ ___ You fall in love very easily and too quickly.
3. ___ ___ When you fall in love, you can’t stop fantasizing—even to do important things.
You can’t help yourself.
4. ___ ___ Sometimes, when you are lonely and looking for companionship, you lower your
standards and settle for less than you want or deserve.
5. ___ ___ When you are in a relationship, you tend to smother your partner.
6. ___ ___ More than once, you have gotten involved with someone who is unable to
commit— hoping he or she will change.
7. ___ ___ Once you have bonded with someone, you can’t let go.
8. ___ ___ When you are attracted to someone, you will ignore all the warning signs that this
person is not good for you.
9. ___ ___ Initial attraction is more important to you than anything else when it comes to
falling in love and choosing a partner. Falling in love over time does not appeal
to you and is not an option.
10. ___ ___ When you are in love, you trust people who are not trustworthy. The rest of the
time you have a hard time trusting people.
11. ___ ___ When a relationship ends, you feel your life is over and more than once you have
thought about suicide because of a failed relationship.
12. ___ ___ You take on more than your share of responsibility for the survival of a
relationship.
13. ___ ___ Love and relationships are the only things that interest you.
14. ___ ___ In some of your relationships you were the only one in love.
15. ___ ___ You are overwhelmed with loneliness when you are not in love or in a
relationship.
16. ___ ___ You cannot stand being alone. You do not enjoy your own company.
17 ___ ___ More than once, you have gotten involved with the wrong person to avoid being
lonely.
18. ___ ___ You are terrified of never finding someone to love.
19. ___ ___ You feel inadequate if you are not in a relationship.
20. ___ ___ You cannot say no when you are in love or if your partner threatens to leave you.
21. ___ ___ You try very hard to be who your partner wants you to be. You will do anything
to please him or her—even abandon yourself (sacrifice what you want, need and
value).
22. ___ ___ When you are in love, you only see what you want to see. You distort reality to
quell anxiety and feed your fantasies.
23. ___ ___ You have a high tolerance for suffering in relationships. You are willing to suffer
neglect, depression, loneliness, dishonesty—even abuse—to avoid the pain of
separation anxiety (what you feel when you are not with someone you have
bonded with).
24. ___ ___ More than once, you have carried a torch for someone and it was agonizing.
25. ___ ___ You love romance. You have had more than one romantic interest at a time even
when it involved dishonesty.
26. ___ ___ You have stayed with an abusive person.
27. ___ ___ Fantasies about someone you love, even if he or she is unavailable, are more
important to you than meeting someone who is available.
28. ___ ___ You are terrified of being abandoned. Even the slightest rejection feels like
abandonment and it makes you feel horrible.
29. ___ ___ You chase after people who have rejected you and try desperately to change their
minds.
30. ___ ___ When you are in love, you are overly possessive and jealous.
31. ___ ___ More than once, you have neglected family or friends because of your relationship.
32. ___ ___ You have no impulse control when you are in love.
33. ___ ___ You feel an overwhelming need to check up on someone you are in love with.
34. ___ ___ More than once, you have spied on someone you are in love with.
35. ___ ___ You pursue someone you are in love with even if he or she is with another person.
36. ___ ___ If you are part of a love triangle (three people), you believe all is fair in love and
war. You do not walk away.
37. ___ ___ Love is the most important thing in the world to you.
38. ___ ___ Even if you are not in a relationship, you still fantasize about love all the time—
either someone you once loved or the perfect person who is going to come into
your life someday.
39. ___ ___ As far back as you can remember, you have been preoccupied with love and romantic fantasies.
40 ___ ___ You feel powerless when you fall in love—as if you are in some kind of trance or
under a spell. You lose your ability to make wise choices.
Total ______ yes
______ no

© Love Addicts Anonymous
www.loveaddicts.org

If I was to fill up this survey in the past, I would have 36 yes. Does that make me a love psycho? :P Most probably. Hope I've changed or am at least on the road to recovery. It's kinda sad that the three words I like you or I love you is bandied around like a toy. A guy friend whom i don't regard as a friend anymore tried to get me to break up with the bf. Just coz he has a car and a pay pocket of $3900 per month does not attract me to him. Initially I did not think he will go too far and that he had accepted my explanation for choosing the bf over him when he questioned me on my decision. He had the cheek to utterly make me disgusted with his behavior which made me doubt his feelings in the first place. He made some indecent proposal on that day itself and to suggest something like this isn't very appropriate. Somehow I never have a good feeling about him. I guess my natural instincts are sharper now and if someone gives me a bad feeling I will not get too close to the person. From the beginning, I had never given him the wrong idea that he had a chance. Anyway, it's related to the only time we clubbed together where he forced me to drink so much Martell with green tea till I was 3/4 drunk and I was almost knocked out. When I insisted on going home repeatedly, he refused to accede to my request. I puked twice before finally I reached home in a horrible state. Subsequently, I had 2+ hrs of sleep before I had to drag myself for my ballet class the same morning. And I kana rashes for 4 days scratching myself till my skin tore. Guess what happened 2 days later? In his msn message, he wrote: My heart belongs to valerie and my mum only. I think anyone would have already known what he meant about professing his feelings. I do not understand why some people need to put on a fake persona to get what they want. Maybe it's a matter of mutual benefit, manipulating people to obtain something. Is deceit and lies necessary, knowing that they are so easily seen through like a transparent window?

Fell sick over the weekend with a fever and muscle ache but I forced myself to go for ballet class on Sat and Sun. Alas I was not able to do my best. Miss Ho commented that i danced like a person with no fitness (she didn't know I was sick) and Miss Ang chided me for not remembering the steps for the 2 days respectively. For the first day, I could barely lift my legs off the floor during jumps while for the second, my brain was totally dead. I did all the barre work wrongly and I couldn't remember the centre work stuff. My head was spinning like a top and I felt as if my whole body was as heavy as lead. Maybe the Honours year is stressing me out. Getting sick once or twice every month on average ever since I started. I enjoy doing ballet class so often but if I could, I wish I can dance everyday. Maybe it's the feel good happy endorphins which are released when I'm dancing which spurs me to carry on. Higher jumps greater splits, more arched feet, perfect double and triple pirouettes, more graceful arms and lines, higher extensions, beautiful pointe and a 180 degrees turnout. Ballet is about striving for perfection even though we know it's impossible but we can only push ourselves to be close to the ideal because we want it so much.

French lessons are fun but I still speak French with a Singapore accent. Darling, mon mari. Je t'aime. Miss Brenda Chin is quite patient to repeat phrases though she has done it many times. Talking about teachers, when Miss Ang said that a student previously from Ms Ho's class said some negative things about Miss Ho, I felt very uncomfortable. Maybe it's the ballet community thingie. I admit that teachers and students can be very bitchy. We tend to give negative comments a lot. I was thinking Miss Ho is actually quite nice, perhaps just misunderstood. And Miss Ang is warm and friendly, sending me back home on the last day of CNY on a rainy day so I can do my assignment while her students waited for her at her home. She stays at Upper East Coast Road, 2 stops from Siglap South CC where I take Miss Ho's ballet classes. TEachers can be quite anal about their students taking classes with other teachers. Hopefully I never get busted. Once a week of Advanced I class won't get me prepared to take my exam next year. Additional practice of 2 Advanced II classes per week builds up my strength and stamina so that I will be able to find the Advanced I class a breeze.

About gossiping, can't really avoid it whenever we go. I think the worst thing that can happen when my friends don't like each other. I will feel stuck in the middle if they bad-mouth each other and I end up trying to defend the "accused". Everyone's talking about someone else isn't it? Especially as humans are social animals. I was looking at my handphone and I find that I can't talk to anyone these days. Except for my darling. Perhaps I was made to be anti-social. I would rather bury myself in magazines, the newspaper or dance than to interact even with my friends. Shopping and eating alone? I'm used to it. It so happens that everytime I ask someone out, he or she will be unfree 80% of the time. So I have chosen to let others ask me out instead. It's a choice I make. To isolate myself from everyone except for the 1/2 times a week I meet up with darling.

Ma isn't talking to bro either and I'm beginning to question what this home is turning into. There are times I feel guilty yet I can't bring myself to speak to her. Pride, ego or plain fatigue in interacting with people? Ma still cooks and buy food for me and bro. Maybe I'm really heartless and ungrateful which she said before in an angry fit when we had one of those quarrels. I don't even know if it is a quarrel. I don't bother to explain anything anymore. I just do what she had always done when I made her angry in the past: Walk away and give the cold shoulder. If you want to win, I surrender to you. It's not exactly a tit for tat. You are caught unaware when another incident like this happens. Again. Again. And again. I'm no longer a teenager who has the energy to argue nor slam doors anymore. I'm tired of the vindictive words you use on me. Why is it that I'm your daughter yet I feel as if I need be validated by you? That I have little worth and nothing I do is ever right in your eyes. Why is it that you can smile at strangers or babies yet you treat me with contempt sometimes or say that I talk too much when you can spend hours on the phone with your friends? Am I not your flesh and blood? Do I not feel hurt when you treat outsiders better than your own family? Sometimes even a simple "How is your day?" would be nice. I did try to fulfill my duties as my daughter, trying to be amicable and caring even though I know this is not second nature to me. I truly love you so much yet you are the person who hurts me just as much. I know I can't blame you. Your life has been fraught with difficulties. You lost Grandma to brain tumour and lung cancer at 17 and Grandpa was with someone else when you were younger. Then he passed away. You had to raise your 5 siblings and half siblings all by yourself. You had to give up your education and all that burden is on you. You were mother, father and sister to your family. At that age you had to deal with great responsibilities and grow up fast. Maybe that explains why you have the wanderlust. Always into travelling: to be free now that your siblings have their families. You enjoy joining new activities such as singing and dancing. It should be the time for you to rest and enjoy your life. I know I take after you in many ways, physical appearance, stubborn character and love for dancing and singing. Yet sometimes the similarities become a source of tension for the both of us. I used to cry in bed when I was in primary school. I was afraid I might lose you or Pa. Without letting you know that you are the most important person in my life. That I wouldn't be able to repay whever you have done for me in my 23+ yrs of life. I know I hardly share anything about my life with you, that's because I don't want you to worry. I know how soft your heart is and where I got my emotionality. It's you. I don't want you to know that I'm unhappy and you end up weeping for me. Cause sometimes tears will flow uncontrollably when I think of you. You know actually I'm not afraid of death but what I'm afraid of is if you or pa ever leave me. Even if I appear strong outside, without you as my support I can't live.

At times, there is such a thing as doing the right thing. Even if it's painful to shake off the usual routine of what you are used to in the past, there comes a time when change is inevitable. It's just like if you don't throw out the garbage accumulating in your attic, the decomposition and decay will still take place and in the end you are left with a dirty, stinky attic. Or to dispose residual emotions and past hurt and live for a better future. In life, there are people who are basically toxic waste, poisoning your life system slowly sapping your life force. Isn't better to just leave them in the dumping ground where they should be? Would they give a fuck about you if you were in trouble or if you were dead? Might as well just take it that they don't exist in your life anymore and start anew. Always feeling as if you are the victim? Don't allow yourself to be abused in the first place. For instance if you know you are in love with a jerk, why are you still hanging on to him when you are so unhappy? Is being alone that scary compared to enduring psychological and emotional abuse day in and day out? Nobody can help you unless you learn to love and help yourself. True, humans are social creatures but we decide what we do in our lives. We can be independent and eventually we are responsible for the life we make. If people are always taking advantage you, maybe it's time to remove the rose-tinted glasses and see them as they are, the opportunistic manipulators. Then to those who genuinely care and love you, cherish whatever they have done for you and repay them much more as kindness is not a given. Letting go is not always easy but hanging on is harder.

On Pointe @)~~

2:45 AM