There is no finishing line to perfection <33

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

~Perhaps~

Don't let me see mistakes and lies. Let me keep my faith and innocent eyes.

Have you ever felt as if skies are grey even as the sun is shining brightly? It's as if you are blind to what others can see.

Didn't talk to ma for almost 2 weeks. Maybe I really don't wanna talk to my family anymore. Which daughter hangs up on her dad without him finishing his sentence each time? I'm tired of him calling me at 11+pm when I'm out saying that I'm always going out EVERY night when I'm out at most 1-2 times a week and I haven't stayed out till morning for the past 1 mth+. I'm 23 not 3. I don't wanna explain where I am or what I'm doing. Bro got into trouble and previously I was upset but now I don't think about it. In my own home I no longer want to speak. Family is supposed to be a pillar of support yet it seems like I pass by each day getting more reluctant to say anything to them. Only when they are not at home or I need to wash my clothes do I come out of my room. I lock myself up so they can't come close to me. Maybe coz they have never been close to me in my heart. Even if they love me and vice versa, I guess we never show it at all. Screaming, shouting, negative remarks passed, little time spent together, maybe it has taken its toll. I know why I'm pessimistic and negative about everything coz this is what I see and learn since the day I was born. As a baby, I was insecure and always crying. 90% of the pictures that were taken in my childhood was either of me crying or grimacing.

Psychologically she's probably damaged beyond repair which explains the numbness now. Maybe she's too tired to continue being the emotional being she was that's why she gave up. On ideals, on people, on love, on feelings, on everything. Indifferent to events which happen in everyday life. Pretending to be who she used to be. The slightly naive girl who used to have intense feelings about everything in her life when she isn't now. Skeptical about people, viewing people interaction as a form of mutual benefit. Passing each day as an actress, trying to maintain an outlook that she's fine when she realises this is actually the beginning of the end. Took the last straw before the metamorphosis. Only human and there's so much one can take. What doesn't kill you doesn't make you stronger; it drives you to the brink of madness.

She isn't really afraid she is falling to pieces coz maybe she really wants that to happen. Maybe she has been holding on too long trying to resist the collapse that when it's going to happen, the accumulated load would just crush her and kill her eventually. She knows there are people who care and truly wish she would be happy but she doesn't want them to worry when she knows she can't see that happening in the future. She can only give them that illusion that she's happy coz that's the only thing she can do for them now. Teetering on the edge of the cliff, knowing a fall is imminent. Perhaps in the afterlife she may find the wonderland she has always dreamt about. Death is an escape from the pain of living. Hasn't this been the reason for people yielding to it through suicide?

On Pointe @)~~

7:36 AM