There is no finishing line to perfection <33

Sunday, May 20, 2007

~Sometimes it's much easier to destroy than to build~

Why am I so antagonistic towards people who are closest to me? Why can't I learn to forgive and let go? Is this all my fault? If I were able to answer all these questions, I would be someone who is beyond his years and I wouldn't be who I am today.

Quarrelled with Pa on Thu night when he opened my door with my room key (which ma has one too, amazingly they don't have the key to my brother's room) after 3 seconds when I had switched off my room light. He must have been standing outside observing for some time for no good reason. Firstly, what the fuck is his business in 1)peeking under the gap of my door when the lights are ON (Why would anyone bend down and look underneath his daughter's door without knocking?)and 2)opening my door when it's LOCKED (Especially when there were many instances of him coming into my room while I was sleeping and I awoke from the noise and when my light was spoilt, he actually fixed it without me telling him that it wasn't working)? Ended up hurling a string of expletives and vulgarities at him and him threatening to punch my face and all. The one thing I hate the most is having my privacy invaded. Which explains why I lock my room door before I go out which is kind of pointless since both my parents have the key to it. The funny thing is the older I get the more my pa engaged in this ridiculous freaky behavior. I'm 24 this year not 14. This is the major reason I've been in shouting and screaming matches with my pa since I was in secondary school. Just look at the side of my room door and you will notice obvious cracks from slamming the door too many times. And this time I did it again. Been a long time I flared up like this but I had tolerated this behavior from him far too long.

On Fri I missed my last French lesson. Endured 2 rounds of beating from the asshole whom I no longer regard to be brother even though we are linked by blood. This time he was more vicious raining punches and kicks at my head and body repeatedly, pulling my hair and I did not retaliate at all. He said he should give me a much worse beating and I guessed I wanted it badly too. I was going to endure a 3rd round but my body was hurting quite a lot that I forced myself to stand up and walk away. The result: bumps on my head which hurt a lot when I lie on my head to sleep, visible scratches on my chest, bruises on my chest, back, shoulder and right leg. Finally there was some evidence that he hit me and I felt a sick sense of joy in knowing finally this is the last time I will put up with his behavior after going through it for 14 years. Strangely this time I did not cry in his presence even though the abuse was more intensive and it was only when I was out of the house, my tears kept flowing uncontrollably.

I took a cab down to the police post to make a police report. And this time I'm not afraid of the hassle in pursuing the matter. Was given a form for the doctor to examine the injuries and keep and a copy of the police report to hand to the magistrate so that the matter can be investigated. Apparently the maximum charges for voluntarily causing hurt is $1000 or 1 year imprisonment or both. Given that I'm seeking redress on this incident only I felt I had already given the asshole too many chances previously. If nobody could help me I had better learn to help myself. My parents could do nothing against him no matter what wrong he had done.

Somehow I do know what I'm doing may cause the family to fall apart. But somewhere in my heart my family ceased to exist. Physically everyone is still around yet emotionally the support, care and love has long gone evaporated. I don't intend to tell my family about the police report till the time comes they will know. Been to the polyclinic yesterday and Mon I will be going to the subordinate courts to file my complaint. Probably people will think: but he's your brother. Precisely because I thought like that for years that I put up with the psychological abuse (telling me how ugly, stupid, useless, fat, giving me all kinds of names and labels even that for private parts almost every single day of my life. On another hand, I've him to thank that I wouldn't be an arrogant overconfident bitch), beatings, things thrown at me, shouting directly into my ears(which explains why I'm kind of half deaf which is getting worse and I always hear things wrongly) and annoying me like following me whenever I go. Till now my parents don't know about this matter since my ma is not talking to the AH and both him and I did not tell my pa. I still remember how he would taunt me after he had hit me each time, saying I deserve to be whacked and he will either use this as a threat or laugh at me subsequently. My ma used to say I should ignore him and leave him alone and that it takes two hands to clap. Somehow the blame is shifted to me as well. Basically my pa said almost the same thing and I always wondered why they were afraid of their own son: that they wouldn't throw him out despite the many things he had done.

I guess this one time I will never forget was him kicking me repeatedly in the living room as I laid crouching on the floor. His friend saw the whole thing and he told him not to do it. But that was it. I ran to my room to cry and the AH thought I was trying to attempt suicide and he forced open my door and apologise. Somehow he didn't seem sincere coz he was laughing at the same time. Then in other instances his ex gf and my parents tried to restrain him from lashing at me.

I always wondered why people like him got away with almost everything: shoplifting, fighting, taking drugs etc and I was convinced there wasn't such a thing as justice and retribution. I supposed I'm angry at my parents as well for letting me bear the brunt of his violence and all they did was ignore him for a couple of days. Sometimes I wonder if I hate him or them. I never asked to be born. I never asked to be the favoured one. I never wanted to usurp his place in my parents' hearts. If I had a choice I never want to be living this life.

The only thing I'm looking forward to is my new life out of this home next year after I have gotten a job. Maybe when I'm married, I'm not sure even if I would invite my family to the dinner. Sometimes I wish I'm away from them just so I can lead my own life with the one I love. I know how selfish i am but I find living with them is taking a toll. I won't be able to pursue my happiness.

On Pointe @)~~

3:45 AM