There is no finishing line to perfection <33

Sunday, October 28, 2007

~The past is over~

20 Oct 2007 8.36 am

"Morning. today seems a nice n sunny day. hope u would enjoy your day n be happy. there are something that I once done wrong n till now i still very heart pain n regret so i hope that your life won't be like mine n that u are happy always because all that i wish for now is that u are happy i'm sorry to ve interrupted your life. hope u would forgive. thank u for being a person that would forever be in my mind n a person that i will never forget. thank u. take care"

24 Oct 2007 5.05 am

"Sorry to message u so late. but i just can't sleep. now all e thing that is in my mind is u. your image your face your look your smile your happiness is all that fill me now. after so long i realise that what is e point for me to look for other girl when i've already found e girl that i love most n e girl i wanna be with for e rest of my life. I miss u terribly. I can't get to see u i can't get to hear u i can't even see your message. i really feel very painful. everytime when i receive ur message, i'm so happy that i forget whatever unhappy things that r happening. i hate myself for doing stupid decision i hate myself for being stupid i hate myself that i never be good enough to u. if choices r given to me to reduce half of my life just to be with u, i will accept. even if it takes all my life away n left 1 day for me to be with u, i will accept because u r e only girl that i love n u r e only girl that i wanna be with for e rest of my life. no 1 can ever replace your position in my heart. i'm really sorry to bother u so late. hope u r not awaken by this message n also hope that u r happier now than u are with me. i know nobody would forgive a bastard who ve done so many evil things. thank you for seeing through this message.i'm sorry for all e stupid thing i've done. i'm willing to give up my life just to be with u. 68 would u please forgive me?can we meet up? i really very very miss u. thank u for being in my life n in my heart."

I haven't met up with the sender of this sms for 2 years and I don't wish to. He messages me almost daily either morning or night for a few months now telling me his daily activities or to wish me good morning or goodnight. So far i replied a few times and I kept my smses short asking him to take care and good luck for his exams. There's a reason why I don't talk to my exes save for my first bf. That is coz whenever I think of them, bad memories start flooding my mind and I relive the past albeit briefly and all the pain comes back. It's not I can't forgive. It's more I can't forget. Do you remember you kissing another girl in my presence? The way you spoke to me when you saw me after we broke up? How you ran off leaving me with a phone debt to settle? You bringing her back to your home after you just sent me to the bus stop? Do you remember me begging you for us to have another chance, that I will not mention anything you have done in future so long you no longer kept in contact with her?

Then, I felt you were cruel and all I did was to weep and there was nothing else I could do. Now, I really have no idea what you are trying to do or prove, but rest assured I will never allow myself to be hurt again. Don't give me the bullshit that you still love me. I always believe actions count much more than words and no matter how touching you make your smses seem to sound I will never believe nor trust you again. My heart won't allow me to. I'm not the naive silly girl my bfs used to say i was. If you really loved me you would never hurt me the way you did. I do want to thank you though for showing me that love isn't as perfect nor beautiful as I had always envisoned. In fact it is often tainted with the ugliest of human emotions and actions. No longer will I want my life to be affected by people who have hurt me in the past. I don't believe in second chances coz if a person can betray you once, he will do it again in my opinion. My ma commented I'm very harsh on people. That I don't allow for mistakes or lapses on their part. I know people aren't perfect but then again shouldn't people think long and hard before they do or say anything which will have an impact on another person?

Well enough of that.. A run through of the ExCiTiNg week that I've.. :P:

23 Oct
Went to collect my skincare hamper from Watson's around 9+ am. After that, Ma suggested I head to Aunt Sally's salon to get my fringe and hair trimmed when I started complaining about my fringe poking my eyes. When we were there, guess what? She decided to give my ma a perm and I some additional highlights (green, in addition to the trim) from 1020 am to 1145am which meant a mad rush home after that as I had left my belongings there. I ended up being 10 min late for the admission to the hospital.

First they checked our bags and made us do the alcohol breath test and went through a quick medical history. After that, we put our bags in the lockers and were asked to take lunch. Lunch was steamed chicken with mushrooms, mashed potato, sago jelly, apple juice, bread with butter and green pea soup plus this gross green veg which I don't know what it was called. Amazingly the food was good. But then we were to be let down by the crap dinner afterwards.

Basically there was nothing much to do in there. It's like a high class prison coz we couldn't venture beyond that level 10. However, we can surf the net, use their phones to make free calls, play pool, watch tv, borrow dvds, play board games, ps 3 or x box games. But then it's not home. Somehow, there's a clinical cold (both literally and figuratively) feeling u get even if these are the activities you engage in when you are at home. The good news was I wasn't the only female and I shared a room with this 41 year old lady called Angela who was a great person to talk to. Perhaps coz we are the only 2 females, they put us as subject 1 (me) and 2 (angela) so that all the procedures started with us while the other 21 guys were behind us.. save for subject 13-23 which followed the timings for subject 1-12. We were very lucky indeed to be sharing a room with only 2 persons while the guys were 5 to a room each. My bed was beside the window and every night I would look out at the cars and buildings and wished I was out there not trapped in the hospital. Lights were always out at midnight and we were supposed to be in our rooms resting or sleeping.

Day 1 was free and easy. Let me tell you how crappy the dinner was. We had fried kuey teow and some soup with ginger. The kuey teow was so oily yet it tasted like plastic and was close to tasteless which didn't make any sense. It gave me a stomachache coz of the high oil content. The soups were always the same green pea and that chinese soup thing. Basically the drink accompanying each of our meals is either apple juice or orange juice. Then the dessert will be mango pudding, cocktail jelly or longan jelly. We had a night snack of pandan cake and either milk or soya milk which is repeated for the next few nights at 9pm.

I was actually surviving on 4 hrs' sleep from the day before and pretty much couldn't sleep. When night came I ended up watching The Butterfly Effect 2 and I was catching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory which I had borrowed till the next morning.

24 Oct
I was still awake in the morning at 740am when I had to have this candula thing stuck in my vein on my left hand. I can't describe how much it hurt when they inserted the thing into your arm and part of the needle was left exposed. It was some kinda thin tube to facilitate blood drawing for the entire day. You couldn't move nor bend your arm much as you risked bending the damn thing and it would hamper the blood drawing. 9 am we had to take the anti-diabetic medication and subsequently for either half hourly, hourly or 2 hourly intervals we had to have our blood sample taken like more than 10 times thereafter. Surprisingly the only time our arm did not feel any pain is when they were drawing blood, however at all other times, you can actually feel this discomfort or pain in your arm which varied in intensity.

Was pretty starved by 1pm when they did the blood drawing crap and we had mock char siew which was basically chicken and some green veg. When you are famished anything tastes good. I gobbled up the food like nobody's business.

Dinner was rice with chicken chop and green beans. The sauce for the chicken was good however, the chicken was so tough that I had a hard time cutting it (pardon the pun). After dinner at around 10 plus my arm felt this intense pain and I wanted so badly to chop it off. Anyway I decided to endure the pain and thank god, it was like an hour before it subsided and they took the last sample at 1am before bed time. I was thinking that's why they give you so much money to do this type of clinical study. Poke and inject you, keep drawing blood. And plus the crap food you are made to eat. The amount of food they provided was not sufficient for the males. No wonder some people lose weight during the stay there. Plus it was freezing, I drank so much water that I kept going to the loo like once or twice every hour.

25 Oct
They finally took out the damn candula at 9am. which meant another zuo bo day again like the first day. This inexperienced nurse made me really dulan. Started with an exclamation of "Oh my god" when she first looked at me. Huh? I don't get her. Later imagine having the needle adjusted in your vein after putting that band around your arm so tightly earlier on. The first time I told her the band was too tight and my arm was cramping, she replied that it was normal to feel that. I said I couldn't bear the pain already, then she adjusted the thing and guess what? It was still damn tight. I gave up and told her to just draw my blood quickly so I could get it over and done with. All this time she had a supervisor Siti who was really rude. Initially I said something which I can't remember what and she shot back with "Very funny meh?" And not to mention her supervisee was hurting me and she said nothing. Thanks to the blur inexperienced sotong, I got a bruise on my arm. Yet just the night before Siti was ok. She's really one weird woman. Yet I heard from Danny she was talking and joking with them later which made no sense. Angela and I weren't rude to her or what and she had to give us her silent treatment and black face the moment she came into our room.

Breakfast was fried bee hoon which was delicious and a small slice of mango. Lunch was chicken with rice. Dinner was sweet and sour fish with brocolli. I finally decided to play pool with Alan (43) , Wee Boon (22) and Danny (23) (all fellow lab rats) for an entire afternoon till after dinner time. Alan is an expert at pool. Coz he's the only one I can't beat :P. The guys were amazed I actually climbed up the table to get a few shots. Ok looks like in that kinda environment I didn't give a hoot about my image. I didn't have make up on for the whole stay already so don't really care la. There was a new batch of people coming to do another study and a few of them looked like Ah Bengs. So intimidating. I did have a brief break in between to play Warbook on Facebook and do my blog voyeuring thing again. However, the net connection was damn slow and a page took ages to load. Started feeling extremely thirsty on this day and I kept dosing on water. Alas, no amount of water alleviated my thirst and my lips were parched and tearing. This was the symptom of a cold developing. Silly me forgot to bring a lip balm so it was my fault that my lips tore. If anyone was to get sick, it wasn't coz of the medication they were feeding us. It was the extreme cold of 15-20 degree celcius environment. Air conditioning isn't always desired especially when it is set at extremely low temperatures than what a person is normally used to.

26 Oct
Had a last blood sample drawn at 9am and we had our breakfast of mee siam and finally we had more fruits! 14 grapes which were juicy, extremely sweet and seedless (Wonder why I always bothered to count the number of prawns , fishballs, dumplings etc in my meals, too free). Just the night before I was complaining to Angela that there wasn't much fruits except for the pathetic slice of mango and I missed having them. She joked that they should feed me with seedless grapes and this actually happened ;P. The best part of the stay was the end of it. Anyway, for the last 2 days and nights, it seemed as if the nurses were suffering from PMS or something. Their faces were so black like we owed them money. I think it's really unprofessional of them to bring whatever problems they have when they are on the job. If they are not happy there is no point in working in this line. What they are doing is spoil the image of nurses as caring, kind angels. That said there were a few nurses such as Shereen and doctors who are really friendly and nice. After breakfast Danny and I took the same bus home. The cycle of what I've done for these 4 days 3 nights in the hospital will be repeated next Tue again and I shudder to think of Wed when they stick the candula in my arm again which made it difficult to sleep. Ok if I can endure that kinda sharp pain, just think of all that money I will be getting and all will be worth it. Besides we are paid to entertain ourselves.

Yesterday I went back for ballet class and I couldn't remember the new steps. In all there are 2 dances and they are all quite long. For the first dance I only recalled like 60% of it. Then for the second slow dance I don't recall anything. Partly coz of my cold I kept sneezing and was kinda giddy with a heavy head. And also due to missing out on 3 lessons it was very difficult to catch up. Dec 5 is coming and I will be missing another 2 lessons again. I'm kinda worried. If I really can't remember anything I think it would be better for me to drop out of the performance. I wouldn't want to drag everyone down. Janet was teaching me the steps and I could tell she was quite exasperated. :( I was kinda frustrated and Miss Ho asked me to just follow what they are doing. Well, everything is to be done on pointe and I think I better watch what I eat or else I will have problems going up on pointe again. Actually I'm still not over my stage fright and I think this is a good chance for me to overcome my fear but I guess I'm more afraid of making a fool of myself on stage. Guess i will have to see my progress or lack of to decide whether to withdraw or to stay on.

On Pointe @)~~

3:57 PM