There is no finishing line to perfection <33

Friday, January 11, 2008

~Fearful~

Had pointework last night for ballet class after a few months of rest from it and I guess everytime I push myself beyond what I can do the results can be ugly. I hate that I'm not able to be motivated nor capable enough of following through a diet for losing that excess weight, of not sleeping right after a meal coz I feel drowsy and practising the ballet steps from the syllabus or stretching beyond the confines of the dance studio. Towards the last exercise I just couldn't do it on full pointe anymore and through the transculent pair of tights I was wearing after class, I could see a blister on my right big toe. The aching pain in my left 4th toe due to the nail being brutally thrashed on didn't look too bad until upon further inspection when I reached home, I realised some blood had clotted underneath the nail. The pain alternated between a continuous excruciating pain (especially when there was contact with water) and a feeling of the nail being almost dislodged but still clung on the flesh. The left 3rd toe had some skin being rubbed off till the deeper layer is exposed and this adds on to the pain. In any case it was my fault for putting on weight and I probably won't be able to do any pointework on Sat if any.

Lately my gums have been bleeding for a few weeks when I'm flossing my teeth and it's not due to me pressing on them too hard. I see my gumline receding and it's especially pronounced when I examined the back of the lower row of teeth. And eating certain foods which are cold or sweet causes discomfort which has been getting more pronounced lately. I do have sensitive teeth but it seems to be getting worse. I'm afraid of losing my teeth. And the few times I dreamt of that happening I was quite startled. Seriously, I would not step out of my home if I ever lose any part of my teeth except to the dentist coz I can visualise how awful and ugly I would look with missing teeth. Not to mention about 20 zits have popped up all over my face and scalp and I am motified to say the least. I feel hideous now and it doesn't help that that my self esteem wasn't that high to begin with and it has plummeted to zero level.

Today is my elder brother's birthday and the 2nd month I'm with dearie but I tink all that insecurity about my body and physical appearance is making me feel a little low and worried. I know how irrational that is but the thing is I can't help feeling that way. Lately the weather has been really cold and my nose seems extra sensitive, sneezing and dripping more often. I detest cold weather coz it doesn't make me sleep better and my extremities turn cold. All it does is make me awake more often and I can't get a restful sleep. Rain especially somehow has the ability to affect human emotions. For me, the rain usually induces vulnerability and sadness for some strange reason which I do not comprehend.I love cloudy days though cause it's soothing from the cool air. Hot days on the other hand brings out irritation and aggression.

Recently, I have been feeling kinda lousy about myself though there are ongoing attempts to comfort my ego which has always been in a fractured state. Just that one tries to cover it up but it never really goes away. There are certain advantages to being someone with high self esteem: having more power, having more credibility to what he or she speaks, being more popular. Even if the person is not liked, he would still evoke some form of envy or respect from others.

Words. Can mean much more when it is spoken through your loved ones. Words have the power to destroy or heal. I mentioned this before somewhere in my earlier blog entries. An "I hate you" or "You are not worthy" will crush a person's spirit when spoken by people whom he holds dear. Physical hurt inflicted will heal but emotional wounds take much longer to fade or go away with. Conversely, a "I believe in you" when spoken from the heart has the potential to strengthen bonds, reduce doubt and create optimism.

Conceivably, the adage that "familiarity breeds contempt" may hold true. The people who mean the most to us which comes to mind our family or lovers, we tend to treat them shabbily whereas we accord better treatment to strangers or people we don't know very well . Is it because we feel the need to put on our best behaviour since first impression do count and for people who are closest we tend to take them for granted and we become insensitive? If we were to compare the intensity of feeling we hold for loved ones and strangers doesn't it make more sense to be nicer to people we love instead? Or is it because it requires much more effort to sustain niceness if it's a long-term thing? For all that has been mentioned here, I have been guilty of being mean or selfish towards people I love and I do hope I'm able to change this.
Certainly, I do need to practise more care in the words I use or my actions with loved ones though I do hope it goes the same for everyone else. It may make this world a happier and better place to live in if we all give more thought and consideration for others.

On Pointe @)~~

8:22 AM