There is no finishing line to perfection <33

Thursday, April 24, 2008

~Change is hard, to remain stagnant is harder in this world of flux

I haven't been blogging anything really meaningful for some time and there are many times when I have thoughts which I want to express in words yet I wouldn't do so for fear that divulging my innermost thoughts and feelings on my blog would expose me to vulnerability. A blog is a public diary unless you decide to make it private.

How has life been since graduation? A combination of good and bad in my opinion. Not bad as in horrible though there are bouts of tearfulness and melancholic thoughts but what matters is that on the whole I'm still thankful to be leading the life I am leading now.

Gone are incessant nagging by parents about not finding a proper job and I have resigned myself to the possibility of giving tuition full-time for this year till my students have completed their O levels. I'm grateful that my parents have stopped exerting pressure on me and this has slowed down the process of greying hair on my head. Previously I was irritated by people who don't know me well trying to talk to me about my job search and till now the occasional asking still irks me. I've come to the conclusion that only guys will tend to ask the standard anything related to jobs and career after a Hi and this goes to show men have low EQ, however it also shows the importance of career in their lives (which is not a bad thing). I have enough of the well-meaning advice people dish out to me and seriously, if I don't ask, I don't need it. Thank you. It's not as if the advice has never occurred to me and as I always feel strongly about, "This is MY life." Others do not live with the decisions I make in my life and my attitudes, perception and behavior may not correspond to what others have in their well thought-out solutions in my job search.

For instance, I will not settle for anything below $2000 a month for an office job. Money is not the most important thing, that's bullshit if you think so. I know I'm not the type who will be happy slogging like a dog in a job for $1600 and the only type of job I will accept such low pay is if it's in the area of counselling or social service but that won't pay the bills. Nor will it make the $46,200 which my pa invested on my university worthwhile. Giving tuition full-time can give me an income of $2500 or more if I take on more assignments to fill up at least 5 days. The only drawback is not having any CPF which means I have to save more. That's also the reason why I will only do this full-time for this year and change it to a part-time basis and hold a full-time job simultaneously thereafter.

Fuck those who make comments like, "You are lazy", "Why don't you get a proper job" etc. Tell me how do you feel when you send countless resumes and those which reply you offer you a salary which is equivalent to a Poly grad. Yes I am a fresh grad with zero experience. I have some friends who aren't too lucky on the job front too and we can do without insensitive and moronic comments from people who barely know us.

I know I live for myself and I can't help getting affected emotionally by people who exist in the same ecosystem as I do. At least now I allow myself to be angry and annoyed or vent out other negative emotions for a while then I get back to normal. I recall how I used to brood over matters and other stuff for months or years even but now, I'm not going to let my happiness be dictated by what others think of me or what they think I should do.

I acknowledge these labels placed on me "weird", "insecure", "immature", "low self-esteem", "sensitive" and many others and at least I don't have a holier than thou attitude that I am better than the people around me. Instead of making comments about people behind their backs why don't we go about trying to improve ourselves or have the guts to say things in their faces rather than pretend to be moralizing on high ground?

I've always felt alienated from people surrounding me since I was little which accounts for my enjoying solitude more than the average person. Is it so strange for a girl to enjoy shopping, watching a movie, chilling out, traveling a distance for some good food at a restaurant alone? I would prefer hanging out with myself than waste my time at a meaningless party where I have to make small talk with some superficial people who are attention grubbing and think that they are part of the popular crowd. I am not popular and I don't give a shit about partying nor popularity. Getting wasted and hanging out with poseurs is not my idea of fun. I enjoy spending my time with people who are warm and genuine and these are my boyfriend, good and best friends which probably number less than 10. The only thing I regret is not being able to spend as much time with the people who care for me and I for them. But hopefully we will still be able to meet up for coffee or dinner or something. Imagine meeting your best friend for like less than 5 times a year. Though we do catch up from time to time in msn or a rare phone call.

I realise I spend more time and interact with people whom I don't know very well. It's not that I'm unhappy in these interactions just that I recognise that this could be my way of guarding myself. In not having to share my emotions or thoughts with people who know me well. Ironically knowing that they are concerned for me I choose to put them at a distance. I feel guilty when they worry about me. Especially when I have a long history of drama in my life which sort of drains their energy I think. It's a case of I want to be there for them but I don't want them to be there for me. It's kind of selfish on my part that I don't want to share. Actually I just want them to be happy that's all.

I am growing older and thinking that I am reaching my 25th birthday this November it scares me. Women start to age from 25 (Has it started yet?) while men from 30. I am also starting to forget many things from the past. What used to be meaningful and memorable has become a figment of my imagination. Sometimes I feel as if I am consciously filling in the gaps of my past life with a void. To forget most of the hurt and pain which used to be relived in my mind almost everyday. I choose to let it go for I want to remember only the good memories in the present and future. To hell that only depression allows me to pen more fluidly. I choose to engage in other endeavors instead.

Read the editor column in Mind Your Body About love and I have to agree with her that she's right about acknowledging love for its reality instead of holding on to cinematic notions of romance. Watched Before Sunrise and Before Sunset with dearie and I admit the former is more interesting than the latter. In the former, we see a love developing between 2 strangers on a train in a single day and in the second they meet 9 years later when the man has married someone else and the lady is in a relationship with another. As with relationships, in the initial phase, novelty induces feelings of excitement and romance and as time goes on it is no longer lust which is keeping couples together but bonding.

People say beautiful things are transient. If it is indeed the case, for instance, why were Adam and Eve not content living in the Garden of Eden where they should be happy? Facing all that beauty in the world, they could have held on to it till the day they died had Eve not instigated Adam into eating that apple. I feel true beauty lasts forever. Don't qualities and ideals endure the ravages of time? I think the most beautiful thing in the world is waking up next to someone who cares for you despite all your flaws knowing that he will not forsake you when times are trying.

Part of growing older entails the loss of innocence but it is a price to pay when responsibilities and duties set in. It affects the way we view love when we are younger and we see love differently when as an adult. When we are younger love is often seen with rose-tinted glasses but then when it ends it is never pretty. Is being romantic just something symbolic of what the young heart wants? I used to think that a romance which is all passionate and consuming is the greatest of loves but now all I want is to grow old with the one I love and using the typical notion of romance that wouldn't count as romantic. Romance doesn't take into account reality. We gloss over our partner's weaknesses and we don't truly accept them for who they are as our acceptance is based on idolization. It is pretty unfair to compare your partner to past loves and I have been guilty of that in the past. You only set your relationship up for failure or feel less than satisfied with your partner if all you do is measure your current partner with something which happened long ago. Are you the same person now as you are in the past? Do you even love like you do now? Love is irrational but sometimes we don't force ourselves to look harder at what is good in front of us and we choose to cling on to something dead. We choose to keep it alive thinking that it still has value and relevance in our lives. It took me very long to comprehend and understand that your exes don't give a fuck about who you are anymore and there is no point in continuing an illusion about something which has no meaning now. The only reason those memories have value is that the things we did then were out of a pure heart which hasn't been tainted with accumulated hurt. Not that I mean subsequent loves have ulterior motives or something. What I have in mind is that as people change, the way they love changes too.

Things were much simpler then. You meet someone and you think he or she is your world. You do the so called sweet romantic things together but eventually something happens and the bubble bursted. That feeling of first love I liken it to the novelty effect. When I try to recall it now, it isn't so wonderful thinking about how it ended and words didn't really mean anything. When there is a good relationship in front of you and you do not treasure it and instead you try to live in the shadow of the past and thinking it is better is foolish thinking. That's why we always hear people being miserable not being the one they loved most. And seriously, they deserve their unhappiness for they let it be that way. Either you try to get back with that "soulmate" and hope it doesn't ends again or just move on and live in the present. I don't think that anyone would relish having their partner think they are not good enough coz they are being compared to some ghost from the past. To those I have hurt for being such a fool, I am sorry.

I am rather relieved that the pain in both knees which began from the beginning of this month is subsiding and I cross my fingers that it would not return. The slight pain in my knees was aggravated by a ballet session on the 4th. On Tuesday I was well enough to play badminton with dearie, Nick and Su. For the first 2 weeks I had to contend with knee pain which went up or down in intensity which meant I couldn't bend my knees nor straighten them. It was quite bad especially when it rained and there were times I couldn't walk properly. I was quite down particularly when I was alone in my own room trying hard to fall asleep and thinking that I may have to give up ballet for good. That's one of the worst things I don't ever want to happen. I will only stop dancing if I am to have children in the future. And not being able to wear heels kinda suck too. Asking me to walk in flats is akin to asking a klutz to walk on stilettos.

It seems like Miss Ho is keen on sending us for the Advanced 1 exam this year. The other girls too seem enthusiastic about it but I don't think I can pass this year. Almost 2 years of doing this syllabus and I still can't do a proper double turn. And my extensions are only 90 degrees at best. Not to mention my pointework which is not up to par. But if I don't do it this September I probably have to wait for the Intermediate girls who will either take their exam this year or the next and that means another 2 or 3 years. Plus I will be in a different class then. And the older I get the harder it is to pass as flexibility and all is going on a decline. If my knee problem doesn't act up, I will try for this year and if I do I will need to set aside time for stretching and practise everyday.

Why am I still taking ballet at a ripe old age of 24? This is in the Handbook for Teachers for the Vocational Graded Exams in Ballet:

The Vocational Graded examination syllabus is designed for students wishing to make an
in-depth study of classical ballet, with a view to pursuing a career in dance or dance
related subjects. Pointe work is included for female students.

Students wishing to study for Vocational Graded examinations should have the maturity
and technical aptitude to enable them to respond to demanding study. For example, a
relatively proportionate, flexible physique with a degree of rotation in the hip sockets
necessary for the increased range of movement.

My reference
For the Advanced 1 exam there will only be 3 girls instead of the usual 4 for the other exams and the examination duration will be 1 h 35 min. That's an extra 15 min from the Intermediate exam.

In Advanced 1 and Advanced 2, candidates
must reach the minimum pass mark in the required sections, as shown below, in order to
achieve an overall pass.Candidates who do not pass in each of the required sections
will receive a Standard Not Attained classification, even if their total mark is in excess
of 39%.

Level Required Sections Minimum Pass mark
Advanced 1 Female Port de bras, Centre Practice and Pirouettes; Adage; Allegro; Free Enchaînements 16 overall
Pointe 4
Music 8 overall
Performance 4
Dance 8 overall

Max Mark Pass Mark
TECHNIQUE: PORT DE BRAS, CENTRE PRACTICE AND PIROUETTES • Correct posture and weight placement • Co-ordination • Control • Line • Spatial awareness • Dynamic values 10 16
TECHNIQUE: ADAGE • Correct posture and weight placement • Co-ordination • Control • Line • Spatial awareness • Dynamic values 10
TECHNIQUE: ALLEGRO (excluding Free Enchaînement) • Correct posture and weight placement • Co-ordination • Control • Line • Spatial awareness • Dynamic values • Use of elevation 10
TECHNIQUE: FREE WORK (excluding Pointe) • Correct posture and weight placement • Co-ordination • Control • Line • Spatial awareness • Dynamic values • Use of elevation • Ability to perform enchaînements consistently as set 10
POINTE (including Barre and Free Enchaînement) • Correct posture and weight placement • Co-ordination • Control • Line • Spatial awareness • Dynamic values • Ability to perform free enchaînement consistently as set • Music (see below) • Performance (see below) 10 4
MUSIC (generic: excluding Dance and Pointe) • Timing and rhythm • Responsiveness to music 10 10 8
PERFORMANCE (generic: excluding Dance and Pointe) • Expression, interpretation, communication and projection 10 4
DANCE (Waltz or Galop) Technique • Correct posture and weight placement • Co-ordination • Control • Line • Spatial awareness • Dynamic values 10
Key features for Waltz • Ability to contrast varied rhythmic structures • Ability to combine lilting movements with suspension, elevation, full use of the body and broad use of space Key features for Galop • Ability to portray varied dynamic qualities • Ability to demonstrate speed of movement, sustained positions en pointe and full use of the body 8
Music and Performance (as above) 10
TOTAL 100

TABLE A - Technique
0 marks The work was not shown.
1 – 3 marks The candidate showed little ability to demonstrate the elements assessed
4 marks The candidate showed some ability to demonstrate the elements assessed, but
this was limited and inconsistent. Some elements may be stronger than others.
5 – 6 marks The candidate’s demonstration of the elements assessed was secure at times,
but this was not sustained throughout all the exercises. Some elements may be
stronger than others.
7 – 8 marks The candidate’s demonstration of the elements assessed was generally secure
for more than half the exercises, although one or two elements may be less
strong than others.
9 – 10 marks The candidate’s demonstration of the elements assessed was secure and
sustained throughout nearly all the exercises.

TABLE B – MUSIC: Timing and rhythm
0 marks The work was not shown.
1 – 3 marks The candidate performed the steps in time with the music for a few exercises
and showed a very limited ability to respond to varying rhythms.
4 marks The candidate performed the steps in time with the music for some of the
examination but showed very limited ability to respond to varying rhythms.
5 – 6 marks The candidate performed the steps in time with the music for over half of the
examination and showed ability to respond to varying rhythms at times.
7 – 8 marks The candidate performed the steps in time with the music throughout almost all
the examination and showed good ability to respond to varying rhythms at
times.
9 – 10 marks The candidate performed the steps in time with the music throughout almost all
the examination and showed very good ability to respond to varying rhythms.

TABLE C – MUSIC: Responsiveness to music
0 marks The work was not shown.
1 – 3 marks The candidate showed almost no responsiveness to music.
4 marks The candidate showed occasional responsiveness to music.
5 – 6 marks The candidate showed responsiveness to music in some parts of the
examination.
7 – 8 marks The candidate showed responsiveness to music in over half of the
examination.
9 – 10 marks The candidate showed very good responsiveness to music in almost all of the
examination.

TABLE D – PERFORMANCE:
Expression, Interpretation, Communication and Projection
0 marks The work was not shown.
1 – 3 marks The candidate showed little expression or ability to communicate with an
audience.
4 marks The candidate showed some expressive qualities but a limited ability to
communicate with an audience OR the candidate showed some ability to
communicate with an audience but limited expressive qualities.
5 – 6 marks The candidate showed some expressive qualities and some ability to
communicate with an audience.
7 – 8 marks The candidate showed good expressive qualities and a reasonable ability to
communicate with an audience OR the candidate showed a well developed
ability to communicate with an audience and a reasonable level of expression.
9 – 10 marks The candidate showed good expressive qualities and a well developed ability
to communicate with an audience.

TABLE E – DANCE/ENCHAINEMENT/VARIATION:
Music and Performance
0 marks The work was not shown.
1 – 3 marks The candidate showed little awareness of music or performance.
4 marks The candidate showed some musical awareness and sense of performance,
although one element may be a little stronger than the other.
5 – 6 marks The candidate showed a fairly good musical awareness and sense of
performance, although one element may be a little stronger than the other.
7 – 8 marks The candidate showed a good musical awareness and good sense of
performance, although one element may be a little stronger than the other.
9 – 10 marks The candidate showed a very good musical awareness and a real sense of
performance.

Building on the achievements of Intermediate level, candidates demonstrate a
comprehensive knowledge, an understanding of the technique within the chosen dance
genre. Execution is considerably more refined than at Intermediate level with use of an
extensive dance movement vocabulary. The performance is presented as a coherent
entity in a confident and assured manner incorporating enhanced musical and artistic
qualities through a greater understanding of mood, dynamics and rhythm.
Candidates demonstrate their knowledge and skills mainly through the execution of
appropriately demanding pre-set steps, movements and sequences, as well as more
varied and challenging work arranged by the examiner.

By the end of Advanced Foundation, Advanced 1 and Advanced 2, a female student will
be able to:
Technique
• Show technical proficiency achieved through Advanced study
• Demonstrate with ease complex exercises, which demand the combination of
Advanced vocabulary
• Perform with a high level of control showing a refinement of line
• Perform with a high level of competency in the body moving through space and within
space
• Perform a breadth of vocabulary enhanced by the appropriate dynamic value
• Perform a range of movements en pointe with fluidity and control
Music
• Show acute sensitivity to the rhythmical structures, melody, texture and dynamic
expression of the music
Performance
• Show a high level of understanding of interpretation and expression colouring the
performance
• Show an assured and confident performance with a high level of engagement

In the examination, candidates will be assessed on their ability to:
1. perform a series of prepared Classical Ballet exercises which require the ability to
demonstrate secure posture, correct weight placement, co-ordination of the whole
body, control, line, spatial awareness, dynamic values, and (for female candidates),
the ability to successfully perform movements en pointe, or (for male candidates) the
ability to perform varied levels of elevation with exuberance, agility and use of space;
2. dance, throughout the examination, in time to the music and show responsiveness to
the music;
3. dance, throughout the examination, with expression, interpretation, communication
and projection;
4. perform one or more unprepared enchaînements in accordance with the examiner’s
instructions, demonstrating all the above aspects of Technique, Music and
Performance;
5. perform a Classical Dance/set enchaînement/variation which requires all the above
aspects of Technique, Music and Performance.

Co-ordination: of
the whole body
The harmonious relationship of torso, limbs, head and eye focus in
movement.
Control Sustained and balanced movements, achieved through strength and
correct use of turnout
Line The ability to demonstrate a range of harmonious lines through the
whole body, (achieved through the co-ordinated use of torso, limbs,
head and eye focus in movement).
Spatial Awareness Effective use of peripheral space and performance space, also the
ability to move through space.
Dynamic Values The ability to perform the range of movement dynamics appropriate to
each step, achieved through the co-ordinated use of feet, legs and
arms.
Pointe (Female
Candidates)
The ability to successfully perform movements en pointe.
Allegro (Male
Candidates)
The ability to perform varied levels of elevation with exuberance,
agility and use of space.
Music
The points listed under this heading emphasise that there is more to being musical than
merely dancing on the beat.
The following is an explanation of the elements that are assessed for Music:
Timing and
Rhythm
The steps performed in time with the music i.e. on the correct beat.
Response to the varying accents and the ‘shape’ of different time
signatures and dance rhythms.
Responsiveness
to music
The ability to respond to phrasing (musical punctuation), dynamics
(volume and musical highlights) and atmosphere (the style and mood
of the music).
Performance
The following is an explanation of the elements being assessed:
Expression Expression reflected in face, body and dynamics of the movement.
Interpretation Dancing with understanding and intelligent response to what one is
dancing about i.e. the motivation for the movement.
Communication Appropriate engagement with the audience.
Projection The ability to project expression, feelings and emotions to an
audience.

ATTAINMENT DESCRIPTORS
Examiners assess each candidate against the marking criteria in order to award the
appropriate mark for each element of the examination. The final total will fall into one of
three mark bands which equate to three different pass categories. The following are
broad descriptions of the qualities that the candidate will typically demonstrate in each of
these categories.
Distinction: 75 – 100 marks
Secure and precise technique throughout most of the sections, with an ability to
demonstrate contrast in style. Musicality is highly developed most of the time and
performance shows appropriate expression and communication.
Merit: 55 – 74 marks
Proficient technique in many of the sections, although it is probably stronger in some than
others. Musical qualities are evident, although they could sometimes be a little more
consistent. Performance shows expression and communication, although these aspects
could be more sustained.
Pass: 40 – 54 marks
A basic competence in the technical aspects of the work, although some areas are
stronger than others. Some musicality is evident although there are limitations in certain
areas. A basic ability to show some expression and communication in performance is
evident.
Standard Not Attained: 0 – 39 marks
Little awareness of technique is shown in most sections. Musical and performance
qualities are very rarely evident.

On Pointe @)~~

2:54 AM