~Mixed Feelings
I shall start with the negative first so my post will end on a positive note. Note: this is going to be a rant and rave session for the first half. I've been tolerating the crap remarks made by my irritating annoying brother since he has been back home from being away for a period of time. Seriously, if he don't talk no one will think he is a mute (A personal fave Chinese saying). Ya my parents have not pressured me about the job thing anymore but then I keep having snide remarks from someone who is no better than me and I feel he doesn't have the right to make stupid comments like this. First, he is 31 and he has an educational qualification of N levels. Fancy him saying, "You have a degree and you don' want to work (Fuck. Is giving tuition NOT work? ), "Still taking money from Pa" (I'm going to stop taking $50 a week from pa by Jun coz Pfitzer study this mth would form part of a certain amt of money which I'm saving up for doing my Honours again in 3 Years time + and the tuition money will be in full. Sigh I need to save up $500 a mth for doing my Honours for 3 years. Anyway, at 31, Why are you taking money from your mother every time when you don't have enough money? That $20 you take each time is cumulative and every time you promise to pay her back it is just empty words. And she's still paying for your transport! And ma herself said you haven't given her a single cent. Not to mention you signed a 2-year cable TV subscription with no intention of bearing the cost at all without consulting our parents which as you can see is going to Pa's account again and the Singnet subsription you signed a few years ago which you promised to bear the full cost of $40 a month is also on Pa's list of monthly payments. FYI, I think you jolly well know no one watches Cable except you for soccer matches. FUCK you. You haven't made good a single promise to our parents), "You are damn useless" (See previous point. Who is MORE useless? I know I don't have a so called proper job but I'm making plans to alleviate our parents burden. I have stopped depending on ma for my transport which comes up to $100 monthly coz she is not working. And I don't want to take any pocket money from pa soon. Even though it may mean surviving on a pathetic $200 a month after factoring in saving a little and transport costs. So WTF are you making so much noise when you are so parasitic yourself. Pa still help you to clean and pack your room. You leave dirty clothes and dishes lying everywhere in the house and all you do is create a mess. At least I wash my own clothes, dishes and pack my own room. SUCKER!). The funny thing is I know he is trying to get me down coz he has been jealous that my parents have been spending more on me than him but sometimes I let myself be upset at his remarks and feel horrible. My low self-esteem can be attributed to this person who always tells me any one of these things every day since I was a kid and some new ones added as I grow older: "You are fucking ugly.", " I don't know what your bfs see in you", "You are a slut.", "Your legs are so fucking fat", "You are fucking anorexic (when I lose weight)", "You are so fucking fat (When I put on weight)", "You are damn useless", "Study degree don't work". In his eyes, nothing I do or my very existence is of any use or good. To anyone who thinks I am exaggerating, come and live my life for a day at home and you will see what I mean.
Probably he got this from pa. For the whole of my bachelor's degree without fail every single day pa will say, "Don't know whether you are going to pass or not. I think you will fail." If my pa thinks reverse psychology worked on me it didn't. All he did was to strengthen my doubt and lack of confidence in myself. Although I managed to get a GPA of 5.3 for 24 modules, it wasn't easy the years I was in uni when I just wanted to give up from month 2 of degree. Sometimes I am surprised that I actually went through those times and got the stupid degree in the end. People don't really care how you got to where you are. All they care is the end result. Luckily ma gave up on criticising me in my academic work since JC so there was one less person to add that kind of pressure. From 3 persons who always dish out negative comments it reduced to 2. I consider myself to be very lucky indeed. But I always wondered had my family been more loving and caring would I be a different happier individual instead?
I know I shouldn't always dwell on the negative but all I ask is that my brother just leave me alone. I let him be but he doesn't give up on trying to torment me psychologically and emotionally day in day out. It's as if when he manages to elicit a reaction from me (ie arguing and talking back) he is ecstatic or something knowing that he is causing me anguish. I know he has issues and he always chooses me as his target while outside he pretends to be someone else. 31 and still partying at Zouk every week with people who are like around my age. And most of his friends are high flyers whereas he's a nobody. And his 2 attempts at the Basic theory test is a fail coz he doesn't study for it. What's weird is that he is much more intelligent than me being able to switch from the Normal acad stream to the express stream after 3 months in sec 1. Not only that he can draw a reproduction of a picture. I wonder how can someone who is smart can end up where he is today. Probably his laziness and desire to earn fast cash albeit through not very legal means had led to his downfall. I have been trying to ignore him and not talk to him but on occasions it's a matter of reaching the boiling point. I shouldn't let him win by reacting but sometimes I am really angry and fed up.
Ok, I think I better talk about something more pleasant. The good news is: I'm going down to IKEA tomorrow to pick out these stuff.
1. bookcase
BILLY
$59.00(Reg.price:$99)
(Price applies for this product as per description shown)
Particle board, foil. W80xD28, H202cm.
2. sofabed
two-seat sofa-bed
SOLSTA
$99.00(Reg.price:$199)
(Price applies for this product as per description shown)
100% cotton ransta dark grey cover. Readily converts into a bed. 
3. coffee table
LACK
$45.00 (dar says he bought it at $25!)
(Price applies for this product as per description shown)
Black-brown effect printed and embossed acrylic paint/ABS plastic. W55xL90, H45cm. 
4. 1 desk
FREDRIK
$75.00(Reg.price:$145)
(Price applies for this product as per description shown)
Pigmented epoxy/polyester powder coated steel base/ particleboard top. W139xD72, H74cm.
5. 1 chest of drawers
RAMBERG
$98.00
(Price applies for this product as per description shown)
Medium brown foil finish. W90xD41, H79cm
6. 1 floor lamp
STORM
$19.00(Reg.price:$29)
(Price applies for this product as per description shown)
Paper shade/ steel tube. White. Ø33cm. Cord L2.95m.
7. 1 organiser
SKUBB
$6.00(Reg.price:$8)
(Price applies for this product as per description shown)
White. 100% polyester, polypropylene plastic. W15xD35, H120cm. Also available in black.
8. 2 storage baskets
KORALL SKÖLDPADDA
$6.00(Reg.price:$12)
(Price applies for this product as per description shown)
100% polyester fabric/ polyethylene foam filling. H45cm. Ø35cm. Blue.
KORALL FISK
$6.00(Reg.price:$12)
(Price applies for this product as per description shown)
100% polyester fabric with polyethylene foam fillings. H45cm. Ø35cm. Red.
Plus delivery it's $40
TOTAL DAMAGES: $453 (pa is sponsoring $310. yours truly is paying the remainder). If includes assembly it's $471.8 which is 5% of retail price for those items which need assembly individually. Does it mean before or after discount? Argh!)
Sigh. A large chunk of my tuition money is going to extra furniture and the late ballet fees of $340 which ended last April for the term. The government has kindly sponsored the full $150 for my contact lens which I have recently ordered. Luckily the furniture is a one off thing and the Pfitzer study is coming up so by mid June I will have some positive cash flow again. Don't really regret having to spend money to revamp my room coz I've been waiting for this day for 24+ years. Here's why: Ma has a knack for choosing furniture which in my opinion is bad taste but I really don't know how to tell her. An oak birch old school desk with drawers (Those 1970s kind. I hate the colour but I've been having it since sec sch. It's some 2nd hand junk from some people she knows), birch 2 door wardrobe with 2 drawers (I hate the color birch! Also those retro type plus after fighting with bro once when I threw 1 drawer so hard and on my toe accidentally it broke and gave me a black and bleeding big toe. The other drawer is falling apart from the bottom coz I put too much weight on it when I try to stuff it with my clothes. It was my wardrobe which is now used to store my Psychology books, assignments and magazines) and this ugly blue single bed frame with a bed bug infested mattress which is super single sized. I'm throwing out the first two items once the new furniture arrives while the last item I will clear it next month when I get a new bed frame and mattress for myself. Finally I can see my dream bedroom soon in the flesh as I have always wished in my vision.
I went to Leisurepark with Sheela to play Bowling just now but in the end we shopped till she was low on cash to bowl. It's only $4 a game but as she bought some cute knick knacks and we had our fave Yoguru yogurt ice cream she had no money left. She didn't want to borrow any cash and she had to work tomorrow. I managed to get a door curtain which is filled with red and orange flowers. Will hang it up after I have gotten my new furniture. Out with the old and In with the new! Hopefully, I will have better luck by changing the fengshui of my room.
