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Thursday, November 06, 2008

~A sick gnawing in the stomach

Blue
morning: 5 spoonfuls of rice, 1 mushroom and 4 small pieces of pork cubes
lunch: 7 coffee sweets
dinner: some rice, a bit of omelette, sambal fish, 1 tall Starbucks Dark Cherry Mocha

Stomach hurts on input of food and can't seem to taste anything except the fiery spicy sambal. Have to run to the toilet after eating each time.

Glad to meet up with Dave who treated me to dinner. It's nice to meet up with friends whom you haven't met for a long time. I figured I must be really fat to begin with if people whom I haven't seen comment I've lost weight. It's not intentional. Just that food isn't appealing nor appetising these days and I feel nauseous having to eat it.

Finally settled the catering issue which is now away from my mind. Do look out for the 2kg cake on Friday. Never spent more than $50 on a cake previously. I hope the food doesn't disappoint too coz it's not the usual catering stuff for birthdays.

Annoying that my clothes and bags have been lying on my bed and sofa for a few days as my clothes can't be hung due to the pole not being able to take the weight of the dresses, tops and skirts combined. Have to figure a way to solve this problem soon coz my room looks really untidy.

Birthday wish for this year is to know what I want in my life. Material things and money I have but my soul seems incomplete. Every year I wish for happiness but it seems you have to work for it and you may not get it even after putting in effort. When your baseline for happiness is inherently low, it's a little pointless to think of it. Yesterday, I wanted very much to ask my mum to hug me but like all the other times I longed to do so especially when I'm feeling down, pride always wins. Sometimes, all I wish is someone to tell me that they care for me without expecting me to be who they want me to be. I'm not the good or best friend, fillial daughter or good girlfriend. I try to work towards those but I always fall short. If only knowing people who love you is the sole ingredient for bliss, I am truly blessed.

Can't bring myself to talk much these few days coz all this negativity is weighing heavily and fatigue sets in quickly when you force yourself to do the things you don't feel like doing. I might not be a good host on Friday but I'll try my best to enjoy my birthday with friends especially when they are making the effort to come down. Forgive me if I can't pretend.

On Pointe @)~~
12:03 AM