There is no finishing line to perfection <33

Monday, December 01, 2008

~I'm officially broke

I've 2 months to go. December and January and I've to survive on less than 1/7 of my monthly salary as I have only 1 student during this holidays and only 2 other confirmed students starting in Jan. Dear friends, please pardon me if I've to reject your invitations for dinners or leisure related activities (I hate to go out if I can't eat and end up staring at my friends eat or if I can't spend a single cent) as each time I go out, I'll end up spending a minimum of $20. Not to mention transport is $100 each month and what is left is very little which is much less than what I have for my monthly pocket money in the past. Those who have known me since the JC days should know. Also, I do not wish to borrow any money from my friends (or bf for that matter) as I think defaultment or delay in payment signals a disrespect for them (even if they are well off and kind enough to accept late payment)and it bodes badly for the friendship. All I can do now is stay at home more often (which is actually going to be like 4-6 days a week), go running, indulge in more reading (it's free! 10 books sitting on my bookshelf still unread and the Straits times) and cut down my meals to twice a day (breakfast and dinner, thankfully and kindly sponsored by mum).

No more extravagant spending on so called essentials for this year and the next eg cosmetics and skincare ($500+ for this year), apparel and accessories (I couldn't bear to calculate my total spending for this, should be more than $10000 by now given that I get at least one new bag or piece of clothing every few days.) It's a blessing I don't have a regular credit card. And do I really need more than 20 blank notebooks, 30 mobile phone charms, 40 pairs of shoes, 90+ dresses, so many accessories (which i hardly wear due to sheer laziness)? I keep accumulating so many knick knacks such as pouches and whatever not that I can't even get to use them fast enough anyway. Except look at the stuff which I never use once in a blue moon and think ya they look pretty and nice but they are just left in a bag and I forget about their existence.

Materially I've all the things that I want but even after possessing the so called stuff which I want I feel empty after a while (ranges from few hours to few days). It seems as if the pursuit is much preferable to the thing I managed to get in the end. And it doesn't help that when I'm bored or unhappy I indulge in retail therapy which is good for the economy but bad for my financial health. The thrill of spending gives a short term high but you get a crash after that and the cycle repeats. And many times I spend for the sake of spending. I derive some sick kind of joy in giving away my hard earned cash for frivolous stuff I don't need. Funny thing is I'm conscious of what I'm actually doing but they appear as fleeting thoughts and I choose to silence them.

The only good thing which comes out of working is I managed to fulfil all the things I never managed to do in my teenage years (such as attending concerts, having my own costumes, a bursting wardrobe etc) due to finanacial independence but emotionally I am behaving as if I'm a young teenager (due to maturity beyond my years back then. It's in my testimonial too, which is kinda hard to believe). I'm aware how superficial I can be (taking interest only in beauty). It's as if I'm catching up on my lost childhood and teenage years when I was so eager to grow up thinking that maybe life will be easier to lead then but in reality it is not so. In fact the increased responsibilities and obligations of being a member of this society or any society for that matter makes life feel like a drudgery.

In my heart after all my 25 years of living, all I want is a carefree and fun life now (after years of depression all you want is to be free). Not having to think of things like the future. I don't really look forward to marriage or kids by 30 anymore (To tell the truth, I can never really multitask since young thanks to ADHD. I have trouble trying to manage relationships with studies or work and I always get this feeling that I can never reach my peak due to this distraction) yet looking forward to get out of sg by 35 to focus on my career elsewhere and furthering my education and giving my parents a better life are much higher on my priority list. I'm thankful for friends I've made which are not many yet they have been there through my ups and downs and I haven't really been able to catch up with them as often as I like.

It's true I don't really know what love is all about. In relationships, friendships or kinship. I do know there's this tugging at my heart when anything bad happens to them or I revel in their joy too when they are doing well. But otherwise most of the time I just want to be alone. Although I'm happy spending time with loved ones, at the same time I feel fatigued and drained emotionally (maybe it stems from being unable to share that part of myself). Some would feel puzzled why I crave closeness yet I tend to reject it. Human contact makes me feel very uncomfortable and although I hate pretences, my behavior and actions are sometimes attuned to what conventions people have in mind which is not me. The real me I'm afraid, is someone whom no one will accept even my parents. I can't really be me when people tend to make judgement and I tend to be affected by that. And to be honest, I know I'm doing things to please people and make them happy though it's not in my nature but it doesn't harm nor make me feel bad. Behaving in a conventionally accepted manner is essential to survival in this world. If not you will be ostracised or treated like a freak and I think it's one of the worst things fellow humans can do onto others. So if anyone thinks I am fake, they are not really wrong.

I miss my ballet classes. I really want to dance and do my plies, jumps and pirouettes. 2.5 months of ballet free days and I'm crumbling. Another month to go before I can go back to class. Luckily time passes rather quickly. I must be optimistic. I must try to be happy even if I don't feel anthing at all.

On Pointe @)~~

2:30 AM