There is no finishing line to perfection <33

Monday, March 30, 2009

~Dear diary,

Today is a confusing contradicting day, emotionally that is. Maybe it has to do with the crazy hormones as it's the first day of my period.

Was pretty excited to be able to go back to Miss Pamela's 1230pm ballet class after 2 weeks of no class due to her girls having the CSTD ballet exams. Also quite happy to see my ballet classmates. However, I was bloated and heavy and my stomach stuck out during d exercises and Miss Pamela was pressing it in during one of the exercises. It didn't help that I was having cramps and feeling fatigued and my legs wobbled like jelly for the balances. Miss Pamela commented that I have to change my ballet demipointe shoes as part of the satin has worn out and what is left is just the cloth underneath. That's why I nearly tripped in class today doing the double turns but I am glad that I managed to do them properly. I have had this pair of shoes since the 2006 Intermediate exams. And I need to get a new pair of demipointes which cost about $40+ soon for the Aug/Sep Advanced 1 exam this year. The exam costs $344 and I will need to make payment by end of June for the registration. And I will need a new black leotard for exam coz d one I used for Inter exam is straight down from my chest to my waist and makes me look really fat which is not aesthetically pleasing. And aesthetics (meaning our figure) is actually part of consideration in awarding marks. Good news is Miss Pamela is starting another class in May every Thursday 12 noon for exams and we will be doing pointework from next week onwards which is my weakest section. For Sat class Kin Wee is also doing pointework since 2 weeks ago, so hopefully my pointework will improve with practice :). So ballet 3 times a week on Mons, Thurs and Sats! :D Was actually contemplating doing Elementary Ballroom of Waltz and Tango every Sunday 3.30-5pm during my only free tuition slot starting this Sun but after today one of my student had to change tuition to this day which means I can't act on it now. Never mind, I will probably do Ballroom after my Advanced 1 exam then.

After getting changed out of my leotard around 230pm I realised I had stained like 3 layers of my clothes which was kinda icky. I went Tampines Isetan to take a walk and saw a few Guess bags on sale which are really pretty. Unfortunately they cost about $125 and I really need to think hard if I really need one though I know I will carry it everywhere. Went over to Seiyu and chatted to a salesperson called Jenny till it was time to go to teach my student at Bedok.

Then the lady from the agency for my new student from last week called and asked me if I knew the student wanted to discontinue tuition. I replied no and she said that the mother was ok with me whereas the daughter mentioned she had no chemistry with me (although during the lesson, she didn't show any sign of discomfort or so). I guess maybe being too friendly and concerned doesnt work well with some students but I don't want to change myself to suit the students like distant with some and close to the others. On the bright side the students whom I am having now are improving in the subjects I am teaching them (I'm seeing A1s and A2s now ") ) and they are comfortable with my style of being more of a friend rather than a tutor to be feared.

After my student's class at 630pm I forced myself to have something to eat as I hadn't eaten for the entire day due to bad nausea. So I ordered minced pork porridge with an egg and had less than half of it with warm barley. Felt kind of faint and my heart palpitating when I was eating and I couldn't stomach any more of my meal. Had 4 panadols for the entire day but the cramps wouldn't budge. Just forced myself to go on as I plodded my way to the 2nd student's class at 730pm.

My 2 students on Monday are always enthusiatic about my class and learning so I am happy in a way yet I couldn't help shaking off the gloom surrounding me today. Just felt isolated and alone despite making attempts to connect with people. Kept reminding myself that there are friends who care about me despite not contacting nor meeting often and I should be thankful. Started recalling the troubled times when my friends such as Daniel, Chun Ling, Hui Ting, Adeline, Sheela etc were and are supportive and I felt slightly comforted. Coz I know my friends have their own lives and are busy and I really don't want to bog them with my trivial problems so sometimes I end up just learning to keep it inside. Sometimes I do feel a bit wistful about friends drifting apart but I suppose life is like that. People come and go: Some friends are there for a short period of your life and when they go, they leave a big impact (positive) for the rest of your life, Some friends are there for longer and they stand by you no matter what, and you have to make a continuous and genuine effort to keep these precious ties going. Everything in life is transient, relations with people more so. But the thing about life is that no matter how bad things get, it will ultimately end. "Hell is other people", I think "Hell is in my mind", so I do have to continuously remind myself that I am only enslaved to pessimism if I let myself be. And there are many people who are more unfortunate and they worry about their basic needs such as the next meal, in comparison my worries and concerns seem insignificant.

Perhaps the insomnia is getting to me. Fell asleep after 5 am last night with too many thoughts racing through my mind. Even if the body is physically exhausted, the mind wouldn't rest. These days have been eating at home coz my mum's cooking is comforting in a way. I suppose even if we can never have a heart to heart conversation she really loves me despite bro telling me that she doesn't really care about the family and I know he's not lying. Coz even if she doesnt care emotionally she has been cooking and buying food for us since I was born and even before. Talking about bro, I miss you very much. I can't control my tears when I think of you. You are the only person who truly understands and read me like a book and I know I never have to pretend nor put up a front in front of you. I'm sorry I haven't been a good sis, I wished I have been more concerned more caring like before in the past. And now I can't hear your voice nor see you for a while. I love you I really do as my own kin yet the closer I am to you the more I fear even though I know you will never do anything to hurt me. I remember the time when Peter broke up with me the day before my birthday and you held me in your arms. And those late night conversations, we cried over the phone as we faced problems in our lives. My heart breaks knowing that I haven't done more for you. I'm not sure if you already know by now that I can't really get close to anyone as I'm too afraid of losing people I love whether it is through death, just plain drifting apart or conflict. I no longer find it easy to share my problems or pain with anyone like before and sometimes I just end up being alone when I know down inside, I wish someone will just hug me or tell me that they care. I can't help having a sense of discomfort around people even when I'm in the company of the people I love. All the interactions I have with people, whether strangers, lovers or friends I'm not sure if that's really me or I'm trying to be more normal by fitting in with people. But I do know my feelings for the people are real. I'm too used to hiding my true feelings that I don't know when I am supposed not unhappy is that real? I try to divert all that focus on my internal feelings to focusing on others and that tug of war always exists regardless. I guess I'm just weird and I end up turning to hug my soft toys for some false sense of security. I don't think my purpose in life is to obsess over myself nor bring worry or pain to others. I'm still seeking and trying. Please let me continue to enjoy the little things in life like seeing the white birds, smiling when a mother holds her little boy's hand, smelling the scent of a fresh blue rose or acts of kindness and love between people.

On Pointe @)~~

11:45 PM