There is no finishing line to perfection <33

Friday, December 09, 2011

~A Mixed Basket of Emotions

Dark left for his trip for 2 weeks and I was able to have a lot of me time. Initially, it was not meant to be this way but then again, this period of time has allowed me to see things both positively and negatively and I've learnt many things about myself and others.

I guess one thing which affected me greatly was the sudden realisation or rather, grudging acknowledgement that one of my friendships is no longer what it used to be. I suppose people change and a friendship spanning 20 years may not withstand the test of time. I understand that things and people will not remain the same after some time, which is to be expected. It's just that sometimes you are jolted by the fact that you are no longer an important part of someone's life anymore and just an afterthought whereas you are still stubbornly holding on to the shreds of sentimentality. Maintaining a friendship requires effort on both parties and if you are the one who is being taken for granted repeatedly and your friend feels no responsibility in honouring arrangements to meet up, it's a slap to your face that you are pretty low on her priority list. I have spoken to her regarding the problems in the earlier part of the year and now they are resurfacing again. In my last reply to her concerned sms which came after a rather long time from the day she stood me up (yet again for the n-th time), I expressed my unhappiness and I've not heard from her since. All I can say is that I've tried my best in this friendship and I'm exasperated and tired out from making excuses for her irresponsible behaviour (whether it was out of ignorance or with intent no longer matters). I take the non answer to mean that she does not see the need to do anything and that this marks the death of a special friendship.

With that, the number of persons who are close to me decreases again. I do not have that many friends in the first place as I take some time to warm up to people and I've never felt comfortable in the company of another human being, regardless of who they are. The only time when I can feel more at ease and not be affected by feelings of hurt, disappointment, unhappiness and anger is when I dance. All the energy i have is channelled into perfecting the steps for the dance and my emotional resources are not drained unnecessarily. I get affected by pangs of loneliness from time to time but the more I try to reach out to people when this happens, the more alone I feel. It makes more sense to retreat and take refuge in my little abode and escape into my fantasy world or just continue moving my limbs till I get so tired I can barely ruminate. I'm pretty lucky that I've been able to dance on a regular basis during the holidays with Street Jazz on Mondays, K pop on Tues, Advanced 2 ballet on Weds, MTV dance, Burlesque on Thus, Hip hop on Fridays and Open class ballet on Sats. If I can dance for hours every day I will be most contented and blithe. Taking Advanced 2 classes again was something I've been looking forward to since the end of my Advanced 1 exam. Sadly up till today, Miss Pamela is withholding my result till she gets the other girls' results. I would like to take the 2nd class on Sats to polish up my technique but if I do it means there is less time with Dark. :( Miss Goh is a sweet and patient teacher just like Miss Pamela and it is lamentable that I only meet encouraging and inspiring teachers so late in my life. Better late than never though. If you don't meet the horrible ones, you will not be able to appreciate the ones who are good to you. Last Sunday, Kin Wee mentioned that my intense focus in the multiple pirouettes was reminiscent of the Black Swan in Swan Lake and the funny thing is that Miss Pamela always comments that I should lighten up and not look too serious when I do my turns. I suppose it's like the half glass empty or full thing. Perhaps I should have the preferred facial expressions for each teacher when I attend his or her class.

Just yesterday, I got to meet my 2 new students and it was pretty pleasant I hope I don't have a similar terrible experience that happened just last month with my immature ex student for the coming year. And after a month plus of abstinence from Bubble tea at Bedok, I got to drink it again! The auntie asked what had happened to me as she hadn't seen me in a long while and she was quite kind to give me a kuey on knowing that I have not eaten much (I had a piece of chee kuey the whole day till 730pm). Lately, my appetite has not been too good but just as well I get to save money from not eating. On Tue, the cleaner auntie from gym passed me a packet of biscuits when she saw me. I'm happy that the aunties are rather sweet towards me. Sometimes, the little things that strangers or acquaintances do touch my heart and it lifts my spirits. I'm thankful that there are people who are genuinely concerned even though we do not share a very close bond. It makes life a little brighter.

On Pointe @)~~

12:41 AM